“Ugh, seriously guys?”
~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
Hi, America. This is Johnny Roosevelt here, Editor-in-Chief of this fine portal of American greatness. Ever since my great-grandfather invented America, the Roosevelt name has been dedicated to maintaining America’s might and almost Herculean ability to ignore our own faults while focusing on the good things in life. Beer, bourbon, fried foods, and so forth. So, while we normally like to avoid actual opinion articles on this site, since let’s be honest you’re usually coming here to find out what beers will get you drunk fastest, and we are nothing if not shameless panderers to page views, every once and a while I feel it’s time for me to step forward, give the rest of my writers a bit of a day off, and talk to you, the American people. Or, you know, non-Americans, you’d be surprised how many Europeans randomly read this site.
And what is of such importance that I felt the need to wake up literally 4 hours earlier than usual, dealing with the whiskey hangover I associate with every Wednesday morning? The date. It’s April 1st. For some of you, that’s just a normal day in spring. For most of you, it’s APRIL FOOLS’ DAY and you’re going to be PULLING PRANKS! That’s neat! That’s cute.
You need to fucking stop, America.
Pictured above- still better than most April Fools’ pranks.
Posted in America's Holidays, Strange America
Tagged America, April Fools', April Fools' Day, google, Johnny Roosevelt, Letter from the Editor, Prank, Selfie, Sports Illustrated, Taco Bell
“I am AMPED I am AMPED woah what if they made an energy called AMP and…wait I think my heart stopped, or…MOUNTAIN DEW WOO!”
~Mountain Dew Drinker (aged 12)
Mountain Dew has one of the more unique rises to popularity of any beverage that can be poured out of a tap without someone checking your ID first. Originally invented in 1940 in Tennessee with the we’re-honestly-not-kidding-here’s-a-commercial-for-it slogan of “Ya-Hoo! Mountain Dew. It’ll tickle yore innards” and advertising itself to Hillbillies, it’s since gone on to be extremely popular among gamers, extreme sports fanatics, and sixth grade kids who view it as a caffeine-rich forbidden fruit, like speed that you can buy at the gas station on the way to tweeking out throughout your school day.
Mountain Dew was first developed by Barney and Ally Hartman, who made it as a mixer and named it after a Scottish and Irish slang for “moonshine.” It was eventually bought out by PepsiCo in 1964, and the “hillbilly angle” was removed not too long after. While you know it as a “citrus” flavored soft drink, and it lists concentrated orange juice as one of its flavors, it’s basically just sugar and caffeine with a hint of “dorm cafeteria OJ” flavor to it.
And while “the potent combination of a sugar high with a caffeine buzz” is a good enough combination to help Mountain Dew corner 80% of the citrus-flavored pop market, in our age of American ingenuity and overzealous marketing, a company can only rest comfortably on your laurels for so long selling just one kind of middle-school wake up juice, and ever since the 1980s Mountain Dew has been experimenting with a variety of flavors. Some of them are good (looking at you, Code Red). Some of them…well, not so much.
The Worst Mountain Dew Flavors of All Time
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Code Red, Diet Crave, Doritos, Grape Soda, Japan, Mountain Dew, orange juice, Pepsi, PepsiCo, Pitch Black, Sangrita, Supernova, Taco Bell
“My…heart…my…liver…tell…my family…it was worth it.”
~Consumers of fried alcohol
Ever since Reese’s came up with the groundbreaking decision that sweet things taste good with peanut butter, it’s been a commonly accepted practice in American culture to ignore “common sense” or “that pain in your chest” and combine things that are delicious, logic be damned. Do you like beer, and meat? Meatbeer! Do you like doughnuts, and hamburgers? Get that man a fucking Luther Burger! Do you like Taco Bell (read as: are currently drunk and on the way home from the bars) and Doritos? How the fuck have you not had a Doritos Locos Taco yet, that’s literally the sole reason why Taco Bell is still a viable fast food establishment! What is wrong with you!?
The point being, when America loves two things, like, say, a Labrador Retriever and a Poodle, we like to force them together through unholy acts and hope that we end up with a pleasing end result, like a Labradoodle. Well, guess what. We love fried food. And we love booze. We think you can guess where this is going.
We’re going to get a Labradoodle drunk and then feed it a shitload of fried food.
Wait, what’s that? Oh, no, we’re just going to tell you about people who deep fry alcohol. Yeah, that sounds pretty good, let’s do that.
7 Boozy Deep-Fried Alcohol Treats
(photo courtesy of thrillist)
Posted in America's Culinary Treats, Fried Foods
Tagged Alcohol, America, Booze, Bourbon, Bulleit, Champagne, Deep-Fried, Deep-Fried Tequila, Frid Foods, Fried Beer, fried booze, fried bourbon, fried coke, Fried Food, fried jack and coke, fried tequila, fried wine, jack and coke, Jack Daniels, Jim Beam, Luther Burger, margarita, Meatbeer, Taco Bell, tequila, texas state fair, Whiskey
“Why can’t I have you? But I need you so.”
~American Taste Buds
Doritos are one of the better snack gifts we’ve given to the world. Since 1964, when we first decided that we could probably get rid of our leftover tortillas by cutting them into triangles, frying them, and smothering them with fake cheese, Doritos has been there for every Super Bowl party and for every 2:30 AM stoned 7-Eleven run. Even when Japan tried ruining Doritos, which came as a surprise to no one, they forever stood out as delicious, cheesy (or cool-ranchy) ways to get saturated fats into our bodies and flavor powder permanently tattooed onto our fingertips.
Japanese meddling notwithstanding, Doritos has never been content to stand by with just a handful of flavors. In fact, they’ve released nearly a hundred different flavors throughout the years. And despite the existence of “ketchup” or “sonic sour cream” flavors on that lengthy list of Doritos flavors that have been released and then rightfully vanquished to that warehouse where they put the Ark of the Covenant, some of these flavors actually sound delicious. But they’re gone. No matter how much we want to try them, we never can.
Here are some delicious Doritos flavors that the Frito-Lay company foolishly decided were mistakes.
Discontinued Doritos Flavors Too Beautiful For This World
Posted in America's Best Foods, America's Culinary Treats, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Bugles, Chili Cheese, Doritos, Doritos 3D, Doritos 3D's, Doritos Locos, Frito-Lay, Fritos, guacamole, Habañero, Megawhat, salsa, salsa verde, Taco Bell, Taco Supreme
“What in the living hell? What is going ON here? This is terrifying. I want it all.”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
The American fast food industry has a rich history of creating unhealthy Frankenstein meals, possibly as part of a sadistic plan to fatten up the populace enough that Soylent Green becomes a financially viable food product. Ever since Taco Bell created “Fourth Meal” and White Castle whipped out their “What you Crave” slogan as a not-so-subtle way of telling you “these sliders taste like sex when you’re drunk or high,” fast food chains have gone in two directions with their meals. They either cater their menu to daytime customers, the kinds of people who might want to nibble on a nice Egg White McMuffin on the way to work, or just have a Whopper with fries for lunch, or they realize, “huh, for some reason our locations around colleges are empty during the day, and then have lines out the door at three in the morning” and start offering food that sounds like it would be fucking delicious when you’re hammered.
Here’s a quick sobriety test for you. Did you know that Burger King sells tacos? If you said, “Oh God, that sounds disgusting” you’re probably only a few beers into your day. If you read that and thought, “Man, I would love to try that right now” you must be pretty hammered.
Apparently Jack in the Box has decided to fully embrace this concept in a way that borders on insanity, which is why our nation is about to be presented with the Jack’s Munchie Meal. And because it will take about six shots of whiskey and a familial history of mental illness to truly demonstrate everything going on with these $6 “man how drunk was I last night?” meals, we’re bringing back our News Item of the Month feature to really delve into the true eyes of corporate fast food madness.
AFFotD News Item of the Month: Jack in the Box has lost their GODDAMN MINDS
Posted in Hot Dogs, Hamburgers, Steaks, Strange Foods
Tagged America, Bacon, brunch burger, Chicken Nuggets, Chicken Sandwich, Fast Food, Grilled Cheese, Hamburgers, Jack in the Box, Mozzarella sticks, Taco Bell, tacos, White Castle
“This is unholy. This is an abomination. I want ten of them right now.”
~You, with most of these menu items
Fast food holds a dear place in the hearts of all Americans. No, we mean that literally, everyone reading this has a tiny chunk of a Big Mac lodged somewhere in their arteries, waiting patiently for the best time to
stroke strike. Do not fight it, and it won’t fight you. Yes you want fries with that.
But as much as people have been focusing lately on how “unhealthy” and “disgusting behind the scenes” fast food places are, good old American gumption helps us stay strong by covering our ears and going, “La la la I’m not listening I’d like a Whopper with no onions please.” And part of the reason why fast food is here to stay is that, like many Americans, they’re not satisfied with the status quo. They’re constantly evolving their menu and testing out new products that can range from “surprisingly glorious” to “ah, look, a Double Down wrapper. I think we’ve found our cause of death.”
Food items are not added to menus lightly (okay, sometimes they are, and it’s hilarious). Honestly, did you think that this just fucking happened? Of course not, you can’t roll out a Monster Thickburger to an unsuspecting nation without endangering the lives of the residents of, say, Columbus, Ohio first. So we’re here to give you an inside glimpse into the minds of the fast food giants by letting you know what they’re currently testing in markets that you (statistically, probably) don’t live in. Some of which you can’t wait to see on menus nationwide, and some of which will terrify you but you also can’t wait to see on menus nationwide.
Fast Food’s Most Insane Products Currently Being Tested
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged America, Carl's Jr., Doritos, Doritos Locos, Fast Food, Fritos, Hardee's, Ice Cream Sandwich, In-N-Out, McDonalds, Pepsi, Subway, Taco Bell, Wendy's
“We have to go deeper…*VROOOOM*”
It’s been a while since we’ve taken the time to be topical and relevant for you. Sure, there have been epic articles describing every state in America, or telling you about terrifying educational rap videos from the 1990’s, but we’ve mainly been educating you on the past, as opposed to the present.
That’s not always been the case. We’ve had moments in the past when something was so important we just had to tell you about it, even if the article was so rushed it’s not even worth clicking here to read it (seriously, we missed some opportunities by not having an “Osama is dead” article in the can before that shit went down).
While the days of a monthly news post are gone, that doesn’t mean we can’t occasionally bring relevant discussions of current American issues to the forefront. As you’ve no doubt noticed with Facebook profiles lately, there are potentially monumental changes for the country on the horizon. We would be foolish if we didn’t address them in a calm, straightforward manner, since it is something that will touch the lives of millions upon millions of Americans, and it would be irresponsible to pretend it’s not happening right this moment.
That’s right. Doritos is making a Doritos Locos Tacos flavored Dorito. Yes. Inception finally has an official junk food snack.
AFFotD News Item of the Month: Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos Will Doom Us All, Taste Delicious
“Ha! Your meatloaf has ground up glass in it! April Fools’!”
~The World’s Best Prankster (now serving 25-to-life at a Federal Penitentiary)
Enjoy the seizures
The America Fun Fact of the Day office loves April Fools’. That probably doesn’t come as much of a surprise to those of you who started reading while anxiously waiting for a terrifying monster face to pop up on the screen like those pranks that terrify little children on the youtube videos. You, the reader, don’t have to be too concerned about any pranks in today’s post of course- we save most of our energy messing with local law enforcement and personal enemies. Though, we did contaminate one batch of California grown spinach with a pretty nasty case of E. Coli, so next time you want to make spinach dip, and you start feeling like you need to go to the hospital, then April Fools’! Ha ha!
Is it worth the risk? Probably, that shit’s delicious
So don’t worry about being pranked while reading this, unless you’re reading this while peeling open a fresh naval orange (just one poisoned batch, that’s all it takes to panic the shit out of people). And the ambulances might be tied up, depending on where you are, since most of our local branches have been performing “Shit the Joker did in The Dark Knight” type “pranks” all day long, so the emergency crews are going to have their hands full. God, we love this day.
But we are not here to cause mischief to you, loyal readers. In fact, we’re here to give you…
The America Fun Fact of the Day Guide to April Fools’ Day: A History
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged Alaska, America, AOL, AOL Presents Huffington Post Presents America ‘Fun’ ‘Fact’ of the ‘Day’ You’ve Got Mail!, April Fools', April Fools' Day, Arby's, Boston University, Burger King, Charlie Sheen, Dick Smith, England, Fake Iceberg, google, Horse Meat, Huffington Post, Internet, Joseph Boskin, Kremvax, Left-Handed Burgers, Lung Powered Device, Madison Capital Times, New York Mets, Oranges, Pi is Exactly 3, Pope Gregory XIII, Porky Bickar, Sidd Finch, Spinach, Taco Bell, Taco Liberty Bell, The Daily Mail, The Dark Knight, vodka swimming pool, Whopper, Wisconsin, World War I
“America runs on trans-fats.”
America hates having to stop eating between meals. If we could have our way, we would spend all day scarfing down a pile of food with our hands tied behind our back like our life is one never ending pie eating contest. But, unfortunately, an American life requires American duties. Some of us have to work, some of us have to go to classes, and some of us have to devote a portion of the day to filming ourselves having aggressive sex with our enemy’s wife in an extremely destructive act of vengeance. The days of fat men being pulled around in a rickshaw by manslaves as their ladyslaves hand feed them hunks of sausage went out of style at the same time as shoulder pads.
Sure, there have been attempts to limit the amount of time between our nation’s pure unadulterated gluttony. Taco Bell created “Fourth Meal” to cater to the drunk and stoned Americans. Brunch was brought into the equation as a way to determine which couples you don’t want to spend your Saturday nights around. 24 hour diners helped blur the lines between drunk breakfast and drunk dinner. But, America has always had one weapon in its arsenal against healthy eating habits- snacks. Snack time has been encouraged since our childhood, and with it we have invented portable, cheap food doused in all the calories and fats you could ever dream of.
And of the American snack, one snack in particular emerges as the undisputed king. That of course would be the fried, unhealthy, invented in America snack- the potato chip. Invented in America, the potato chip is small enough to be considered a snack, unhealthy enough to worry health food advocates, and delicious enough to be replicated in numerous countries to afford us all a chance to say, yet again, “Goddamn it, Japan, you’re doing it wrong!”
Posted in America's Best Foods
Tagged America, Australia Potato Chips, Brunch, Canadian Potato Chips, Chinese potato chips, English Potato Chips, Fourth Meal, George Crum, India Potato Chips, Japanese Potato Chips, Mike-Sell's Potato Chip Company, Pakistan Potato Chips, Potato Chips, Road Warrior, Russian Potato Chips, Snacks, Taco Bell, Tri-Sum Potato Chips