No. No, we see…America.
Hello. Hello. Hello. Normally, writers would say something like “Hello. Hola. Halo. Konnichiwah.” You know, to be inclusive. Welcoming. Cultural. Well, you know what inclusive is for? Space shuttle safety inspections. You know what welcoming is for? Doormats. You know what Cultural is for? Uh…Elementary School Festivals Meant To Gloss Over The Shocking Homogeneity Of This Fucking Suburb? Sure. But guess what, assholes. This is fucking America.
America, just like a potato chip, is better in its ruffled form.
So, you may be asking yourself in that “incredibly unrealistic concept that people reading random internet blogs would ask themselves questions about the aforementioned blog” way, “Who are these people, and what do they know about America?”
Well, if you have a good necromancer, you might be able to ask the great-grandfather of our Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt.
If America was a gun, he’d be the armor-piercing bullets.
Of course, after he established the America Fun Fact of the Day offices in 1973, J.R. felt he needed to create a credo for the whole enterprise, which is only now joining the online revolution (…that is, 10 years ago it would have been considered a ‘revolution’). That credo?
America. That is what we believe in. That is what we represent. What is America? America is everything, yet it is still everything. Over indulgence in alcohol? Of course, preferably whiskey. Yes. Yes, this is America. Over eating, and discovering new ways to create a jowl? Yes, most indubitably. But really, being American is about being ignorant to your faults, proud of your vices, and uncompromising over the most minuscule of details. It is with this in mind that we shall serve as a path for freedom, a dream to show the American dream. We will not yield. We will not relent. And we will not cease in our debauchery.
Yes. And it is with this credo in our fingertips, and with J.R. looking over our shoulders, like seriously, right the fuck now, that we begin this enterprise. We will give the uncensored histories of the greatest Americans, of the most American foods and items. We will show the true path to American empowerment, and we will chastise all impostures.
So for those unwilling to hear the truth about George Washington’s Laser Vision, Ulysses S. Grant’s Drunken Imperiousness to Bullets, or The Proper Way To Eat a Steak, go to http://www.france.gov. Otherwise, take solace in knowing your nation is great, and if you think otherwise…well, that’s like saying cheese is not delicious. You clearly must have a problem digesting something that is glorious.