Tag Archives: AFFotD

AFFotD’s Strangest Search Engine Hits

“Ha, sorry guys, no titties here.”

~AffotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

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Running a website dedicated to Americanness in all of its makingupnessofwordsness forms is a lot like being God.  You wield total power (not only can we delete your comments if we don’t like them, we can edit the text of your comment to make you seem stupid), you are totally in charge of what people can see, and most people don’t have a clue if you exist or not.  Do we let this power go to our head?  Oh, absolutely.

But there’s another aspect to maintaining AFFotD that you might not immediately assume—when you find our website through a google search, it lets us know what you searched for that led you to read our website.  A lot of the times, it’s not anything that’s particularly surprising.  For example, our most searched item is “Popcorn Sutton” because we wrote an article about Popcorn Sutton that had some, well, less than ideal writing decisions, but people finding our site searching that name, that just makes sense.  Additionally, we’ve had over 2,000 people find our page searching for “ugly cow” because we once wrote an article that had a picture of an ugly cow.  Google is not nearly as sophisticated as all their algorithm talk would have you believe.

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“Ha, that cow is CRAZY!”

~Google Executives

Naturally, people will use odd and occasionally sketchy search terms that somehow leads to them stumbling onto our site.  These search engine hits generally range from “very strange” to “ha ha ha ha oh man y’all search for boobs a lot, you’re going to be really pissed off when you click that link and end up staring at a grizzly bear toting a shotgun.”  Today, we’re going to focus on some of the weirder terms we’ve run into.

AFFotD’s Strangest Search Engine Hits

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Wherein AFFotD Celebrates its 4th Anniversary, Looking Inward and Critiquing the Failings of its 10 Most Popular Articles: A Douchey and Pretentious Meta Exercise by our Laziest Writers

“Alright, let me have it.”

~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt

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When people are asked to describe America Fun Fact of the Day, the most common responses tend to be “brilliant,” “incredible,” “life-affirming” and “What the fuck is AFFotD, what are you doing in my house, where are your clothes, oh God you reek of whiskey, that’s it, I’m calling the fucking cops.”  However, every once and a while, a handful spineless dick-cough weasel pansies say that we’re “harsh and kind of mean.”  Specifically, people say that when we take the time out of our day to viciously insult people that aren’t living up to our standard of Americaness.  This usually occurs when we write articles with lengthy titles that begin “Wherein” and result in 3,000 word screeds that mercilessly and often personally attack and insult the writers of stupid articles about Thanksgiving, Fortune Magazine, or, um, small children.

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The fuck you looking at, punk?

Since today marks the 4th anniversary of affotd.com existing as a website as opposed to a series of note cards jammed randomly into a file cabinet labeled “The Internet!” in our editor-in-chief’s bedroom closet, we figured it was time to turn the mirror on ourselves.  That’s right, we’re gonna rip into our own articles, which is totally not a fancy way to avoid creating any new content of value.  No, shut up, this has nothing to do with the fact that most of our research staff is hungover out of their minds.  Shut up.  Just, okay?

So we looked up the 10 most viewed articles in the history of America Fun Fact of the Day thus far, and will review and deconstruct every one of them.  For science, or whatever.

Wherein AFFotD Celebrates Their 4th Anniversary, Looking Inward and Critiquing the Failings of its 10 Most Popular Articles: A Douchey and Pretentious Meta Exercise by our Laziest Writers

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AFFotD Archives: The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time, A Drinking Game

Note from Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD.com

With the holiday season upon us, we decided today would be as good of a time as any to dig up one of our old favorite Christmas articles to share with you.  This article, originally from 2012, still rings true today, and if you don’t watch at least three of these movies while getting plastered this Christmas, you clearly don’t love your family enough.

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“Ca-ching!”

~TV Executives during Christmas film re-runs season

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Christmas is a time of family and nostalgia.  Well, liquor as well.  And definitely presents.  Okay, so Christmas is a time of liquor and presents.  Still, nostalgia and family play an important part, and every family tends to have their own Christmas movie that they watch each year to get them in the holiday spirit.  Sure, you occasionally might see some terrifyingly misguided attempts to be “hip” to cash in on the holiday season, but no matter how many shitty country music stars you put in front of a live audience, the classic films we grew up with are what really give us our holiday cheer each and every year.

With Christmas right around the corner (AGHH!  ONE WEEK YOU GUYS!), we decided to count down the greatest Christmas films to ever come out of this fair country.  But, since everyone uses the holiday season as a flimsy excuse to drive their page views by coming up with a gimmicky top-ten Christmas film list, we decided we’d get to the true heart of the holiday season—getting drunk.  After all, drinking games bring American families together even better than classic holiday films, so why not combine these two wonderful traditions to help bring each and every family drunkenly closer together?  With that yuletide spirit in mind, make sure to put some extra bourbon in your already-spiked eggnog, and join us as we regale you with…

The 10 Greatest Christmas Movies Of All Time Drinking Game

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America Fun Fact of the Day 4/10- April 10th in American History

“What’s that?  100th day of the year?  Sure you can use that as a reason to drink today.  You know what else you can use as a reason?  THIS IS AMERICA DAMMIT!”

~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD

Today is April 10th, which sources tell us, is the 100th day of the year.  So, if your 2011 has been great, or terrible, either way that’s a cause to drink.  And as as result, we’re going to do something very special at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices here today.  We are going to let a separate AFFotD staffer inform you of what happened on previous April 10ths in America.  Except most of them will be in various states of drunk.  Don’t worry, we’ll let you know who you’re hearing from, and how much they’ve had to drink, and hopefully they’ll have done their research well enough that they’re not just drunkenly pulling shit out of their asses.

But then again, we can’t make any promises.

So, without further ado, here is…

The American History of April 10th in America (As Remembered By Drunk Americans)

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America Fun Fact of the Day- An Introduction

“America.”

~You


What do we see here?  A building?  A flag?  An “if your mind is in the proper place, incredibly phallic” fountain spurt?

No.  No, we see…America.

Hello.  Hello.  Hello.  Normally, writers would say something like “Hello.  Hola.  Halo.  Konnichiwah.”  You know, to be inclusive.  Welcoming.  Cultural.  Well, you know what inclusive is for?  Space shuttle safety inspections.  You know what welcoming is for?  Doormats.  You know what Cultural is for?  Uh…Elementary School Festivals Meant To Gloss Over The Shocking Homogeneity Of This Fucking Suburb?  Sure.  But guess what, assholes.  This is fucking America.

America, just like a potato chip, is better in its ruffled form.

So, you may be asking yourself in that “incredibly unrealistic concept that people reading random internet blogs would ask themselves questions about the aforementioned blog” way, “Who are these people, and what do they know about America?”

Well, if you have a good necromancer, you might be able to ask the great-grandfather of our Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt.

If America was a gun, he’d be the armor-piercing bullets.

Of course, after he established the America Fun Fact of the Day offices in 1973, J.R. felt he needed to create a credo for the whole enterprise, which is only now joining the online revolution (…that is, 10 years ago it would have been considered a ‘revolution’).  That credo?

America.  That is what we believe in.  That is what we represent.  What is America?  America is everything, yet it is still everything.  Over indulgence in alcohol?  Of course, preferably whiskey.  Yes.  Yes, this is America.  Over eating, and discovering new ways to create a jowl?  Yes, most indubitably.  But really, being American is about being ignorant to your faults, proud of your vices, and uncompromising over the most minuscule of details.  It is with this in mind that we shall serve as a path for freedom, a dream to show the American dream.  We will not yield.  We will not relent.  And we will not cease in our debauchery.

Yes.  And it is with this credo in our fingertips, and with J.R. looking over our shoulders, like seriously, right the fuck now, that we begin this enterprise.  We will give the uncensored histories of the greatest Americans, of the most American foods and items.  We will show the true path to American empowerment, and we will chastise all impostures.

So for those unwilling to hear the truth about George Washington’s Laser Vision, Ulysses S. Grant’s Drunken Imperiousness to Bullets, or The Proper Way To Eat a Steak, go to http://www.france.gov.  Otherwise, take solace in knowing your nation is great, and if you think otherwise…well, that’s like saying cheese is not delicious.  You clearly must have a problem digesting something that is glorious.