“Oh man I’m so wasted! Oh man, my heart hurts!”
~Americans doing it RIGHT
America loves alcohol, but many find that, as they get older, it’s strangely more difficult to stay awake all day while pounding vodka until the pain goes away. That’s why we often try to find inventive ways to keep on partying. In the 80’s, it was Cocaine. In the 90’s, it was heroin, which of course led to a record number of liver failures because surprisingly, junkies don’t understand how heroin or alcohol work. In the 70’s, it was probably that one poster where you could see Farrah Fawcett’s tit. But in the 00’s and 10’s, alcohol and caffeine has been America’s upper of choice. Anyone who has ever been to a bar where the DJ makes drink specials announcement while sounding like he works at a strip club has been exposed to various drinks involving Red Bull, and probably has ordered said drink when they started to feel themselves fading.
Of course, medical experts tend to point out that mixing energy drinks with alcohol is dangerous, and could even be potentially life-threatening. While the government might stop Four Loko from caffeinating up their drinks, they can’t stop Americans from pouring five ounces of a Monster energy drink down the drain to top it off with vodka, so it’s time for us to bring back our Point/Counter-point series as we address…
Should Americans Mix Caffeine And Alcohol?
“Actually…this is kind of my speed.”
It was just yesterday
Where you no doubt read
Of a Midwestern trip
Made by [REDACTED]
As he drove ‘cross the plains
He trembled with feer
He’d made it to Iowa
But had run out of beer.
And as he drove in his Mini
Wishing he was driving truck
He found himself in
The World’s Largest Truck Stop
So we’ll leave you know
To see what [REDACTED] saw
So we’ll finish the tale
Of how he got to…Omaha.
[REDACTED] Visits Omaha (Nebraska) (Like the Cornhuskers) (It’s in the Midwest, Alright?) (…Part 2)
“I want to have 12 lokos tonight!”
~This man knows what’s up
“There is no possible way I would regret this later in life.”
Binge drinking is about as American as binge drinking, and no one does it better than Americans. While British people try to binge drink like us Americans, they don’t have the temperament for it, and usually end up just smashing pint glasses into each other’s faces. No, America knows how to do it- you take one part “I love you man,” three parts “AC/DC is the BEST FUCKING BAND EVER” and about twenty parts alcohol. But as we drink, we’re often faced with a very serious problem- drowsiness. Alcohol is a depressant, and it can make you go from alert to passed out in a fairly short time.
He knew the risks
To quote the famous Senator, Tim Calhoun, “Sometimes you want to stay up and party, and the cocaine really helps you do that.” But Cocaine is illegal (which isn’t that big of a deal) and not made in America (which is a big deal) and also doesn’t mix well with alcohol (…probably?) so American ingenuity came up with the brilliant principle…just add caffeine to the booze! It’s so simple! Rum and cokes were soon replaced by more potent mixtures, like Red Bulls and Vodka,s until they finally gave way to the most glorious alcoholic caffeinated concoction in American history…
May cause hallucinations
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged 12 Lokos!, AC/DC, Alcohol, America, Beer, Binge Drinking, Caffeine, Four Loko, frivolous lawsuits, Glassing, Guarana, Red Bull, Taruine, Tim Calhoun, Urinal, vodka, Zombie
“What’s that? 100th day of the year? Sure you can use that as a reason to drink today. You know what else you can use as a reason? THIS IS AMERICA DAMMIT!”
~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD
Today is April 10th, which sources tell us, is the 100th day of the year. So, if your 2011 has been great, or terrible, either way that’s a cause to drink. And as as result, we’re going to do something very special at the America Fun Fact of the Day offices here today. We are going to let a separate AFFotD staffer inform you of what happened on previous April 10ths in America. Except most of them will be in various states of drunk. Don’t worry, we’ll let you know who you’re hearing from, and how much they’ve had to drink, and hopefully they’ll have done their research well enough that they’re not just drunkenly pulling shit out of their asses.
But then again, we can’t make any promises.
So, without further ado, here is…
The American History of April 10th in America (As Remembered By Drunk Americans)
Posted in Today in American History
Tagged 80's Music, Absinthe, AFFotD, Alcohol, America, Andrew Jackson, Benjamin Franklin, Cheetos, Chicago Blackhawks, Civil War, Don't Stop Believing, Drunk, Drunk Staff, Dueling, Eighteen Hundred and Froze to Death, Four Loko, Great Gatsby, Johnny Roosevelt, Journey, Mount Tambora, Patent System, Pittsburgh, Robert E. Lee, Stanley Cup, Super Volcano, The Wire, The Year Without a Summer, Titanic, Today in American History, Trumpet Flame Thrower