“Coffee coffee coffee coffee.”
~So-called “morning people”
People like to say that coffee is the most consumed drug in America, which is part of the reason why most heroin users think the rest of us are giant pussies. Calling coffee a drug is like calling hamburgers a serial killer. You can stretch the definition enough for it to be technically true, but everyone is still going to roll their eyes at you. Yeah, it’s addictive, but so is pornography, and people don’t call that a drug. So ease up, okay?
Yes, coffee is an integral part of the American office experience, and if it didn’t exist our nation’s productivity would slow to a crawl (unless cocaine started to become big again). But some people might not like the taste of coffee, and filling your caffeine delivery system with sugar and cream might get boring after a while.
So how would a non-coffee drinking American overcome this hurdle? How can they get the necessary caffeine to get them through the day if they don’t like the glorious bitterness that is a freshly brewed cup of coffee? Do they drink tea? Do they try cutting down on their caffeine intake, instead just getting through the day on their own natural energy afforded them through a combination of a healthy diet and good sleeping habits?
Fuck that, let’s just make coffee that doesn’t taste like coffee!
The Strangest Coffee Flavors in America
“I want to have 12 lokos tonight!”
~This man knows what’s up
“There is no possible way I would regret this later in life.”
Binge drinking is about as American as binge drinking, and no one does it better than Americans. While British people try to binge drink like us Americans, they don’t have the temperament for it, and usually end up just smashing pint glasses into each other’s faces. No, America knows how to do it- you take one part “I love you man,” three parts “AC/DC is the BEST FUCKING BAND EVER” and about twenty parts alcohol. But as we drink, we’re often faced with a very serious problem- drowsiness. Alcohol is a depressant, and it can make you go from alert to passed out in a fairly short time.
He knew the risks
To quote the famous Senator, Tim Calhoun, “Sometimes you want to stay up and party, and the cocaine really helps you do that.” But Cocaine is illegal (which isn’t that big of a deal) and not made in America (which is a big deal) and also doesn’t mix well with alcohol (…probably?) so American ingenuity came up with the brilliant principle…just add caffeine to the booze! It’s so simple! Rum and cokes were soon replaced by more potent mixtures, like Red Bulls and Vodka,s until they finally gave way to the most glorious alcoholic caffeinated concoction in American history…
May cause hallucinations
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged 12 Lokos!, AC/DC, Alcohol, America, Beer, Binge Drinking, Caffeine, Four Loko, frivolous lawsuits, Glassing, Guarana, Red Bull, Taruine, Tim Calhoun, Urinal, vodka, Zombie