“HOW IS THIS LEGAL I CAN’T FEEL MY FINGERS.”
~Off-Market Energy Drink Customers
For decades, centuries really, we have relied on coffee to wake us up in the morning and keep us going into the night. Well, sure, there’s cocaine if you really wanna party, but as far as boosts of wake-up-feels would go, we pretty much had coffee and, to a lesser extent tea. If you didn’t like how that tasted, that was fine, you could fill it to the brim with all the sugar and cream your overworked heart could take.
Sure, you had your Cokes and Pepsis, or even your Mountain Dews if you’re a gamer, but for many years we didn’t really have a lot of ways to completely lose your mind on dangerous amounts of caffeine until the 90’s and 00’s brought us Energy Drinks. Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy, Rockstar, all of these companies sprung up to create a beverage that answered the question, “What if I wanted like, 6 cups of coffee, but I also hate the flavor of coffee, and would like to mix it with vodka.”
Now, granted, in most cases, energy drinks actually have less caffeine than coffee, but they also have a whole bunch of other stuff like taurine which, because it rhymes with caffeine, we just roll with the claim of “oh it’s like, super caffeine” and move on with our lives. And at the end of the day, energy drinks feel appropriate to have during a night out, while coffee still feels like something you drink at work.
Also, again, you can mix it with vodka so, you know, that at least to us explains their popularity.
And Energy drinks are big business. Red Bull makes over $4 billion a year, and even Amp, the energy drink you have only seen in rural town gas stations, brings in hundreds of millions in sales. And while you might think that all Energy Drinks are just caffeine delivery systems that taste like stale smarties candies, we’d actually have to disagree. There are some energy drinks that are so much worse. As in, baffling they exist. As in, probably glow in the dark?
Let’s talk about some of the sketchiest energy drinks on the market today. Yes, you can buy these. But you shouldn’t, unless you want to grow a third eye or something.