Tag Archives: Red Bull

The Five Sketchiest Energy Drinks You Can Actually Buy

“HOW IS THIS LEGAL I CAN’T FEEL MY FINGERS.”

~Off-Market Energy Drink Customers

steven segal energy drink

For decades, centuries really, we have relied on coffee to wake us up in the morning and keep us going into the night.  Well, sure, there’s cocaine if you really wanna party, but as far as boosts of caffeine would go, we pretty much had coffee and, to a lesser extent tea.  If you didn’t like how that tasted, that was fine, you could fill it to the brim with all the sugar and cream your overworked heart could take.  Sure, you had your Cokes and Pepsis, or even your Mountain Dews if you’re a gamer, but for many years we didn’t really have a lot of ways to completely lose your mind on dangerous amounts of caffeine until the 90’s and 00’s brought us Energy Drinks.  Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy, Rockstar, all of these companies sprung up to create a beverage that answered the question, “What if I wanted like, 6 cups of coffee, but I also hate the flavor of coffee, and would like to mix it with vodka.”

Now, granted, in most cases, energy drinks actually have less caffeine than coffee, but they also have a whole bunch of other stuff like taurine which, because it rhymes with caffeine, we just roll with the claim of “oh it’s like, super caffeine” and move on with our lives.  And at the end of the day, energy drinks feel appropriate to have during a night out, while coffee still feels like something you drink at work.  Also, again, you can mix it with vodka so, you know, that at least to us explains their popularity.

And Energy drinks are big business.  Red Bull makes over $4 billion a year, and even Amp, the energy drink you have only seen in rural town gas stations, brings in hundreds of millions in sales.  And while you might think that all Energy Drinks are just caffeine delivery systems that taste like stale smarties candies, we’d actually have to disagree.  There are some energy drinks that are so much worse.  As in, baffling they exist.  As in, probably glow in the dark?

Let’s talk about some of the sketchiest energy drinks on the market today.  Yes, you can buy these.  But you shouldn’t, unless you want to grow a third eye or something.

The Five Sketchiest Energy Drinks You Can Actually Buy

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Money Grubbing Parents Need To Take Their Damn Hands Off Our Damn Four Lokos

“I want to have 12 lokos tonight!”

~This man knows what’s up

 

“There is no possible way I would regret this later in life.”

Binge drinking is about as American as binge drinking, and no one does it better than Americans.  While British people try to binge drink like us Americans, they don’t have the temperament for it, and usually end up just smashing pint glasses into each other’s faces.  No, America knows how to do it- you take one part “I love you man,” three parts “AC/DC is the BEST FUCKING BAND EVER” and about twenty parts alcohol.  But as we drink, we’re often faced with a very serious problem- drowsiness.  Alcohol is a depressant, and it can make you go from alert to passed out in a fairly short time.

He knew the risks

To quote the famous Senator, Tim Calhoun, “Sometimes you want to stay up and party, and the cocaine really helps you do that.”  But Cocaine is illegal (which isn’t that big of a deal) and not made in America (which is a big deal) and also doesn’t mix well with alcohol (…probably?) so American ingenuity came up with the brilliant principle…just add caffeine to the booze!  It’s so simple!  Rum and cokes were soon replaced by more potent mixtures, like Red Bulls and Vodka,s until they finally gave way to the most glorious alcoholic caffeinated concoction in American history…

May cause hallucinations

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