Money Grubbing Parents Need To Take Their Damn Hands Off Our Damn Four Lokos

“I want to have 12 lokos tonight!”

~This man knows what’s up

 

“There is no possible way I would regret this later in life.”

Binge drinking is about as American as binge drinking, and no one does it better than Americans.  While British people try to binge drink like us Americans, they don’t have the temperament for it, and usually end up just smashing pint glasses into each other’s faces.  No, America knows how to do it- you take one part “I love you man,” three parts “AC/DC is the BEST FUCKING BAND EVER” and about twenty parts alcohol.  But as we drink, we’re often faced with a very serious problem- drowsiness.  Alcohol is a depressant, and it can make you go from alert to passed out in a fairly short time.

He knew the risks

To quote the famous Senator, Tim Calhoun, “Sometimes you want to stay up and party, and the cocaine really helps you do that.”  But Cocaine is illegal (which isn’t that big of a deal) and not made in America (which is a big deal) and also doesn’t mix well with alcohol (…probably?) so American ingenuity came up with the brilliant principle…just add caffeine to the booze!  It’s so simple!  Rum and cokes were soon replaced by more potent mixtures, like Red Bulls and Vodka,s until they finally gave way to the most glorious alcoholic caffeinated concoction in American history…

May cause hallucinations

Chicago based caffeinated malt beverage/harbinger of doom Four Loko was so American it gave itself a Spanish name just so they could misspell it.  Four came in many fruity flavors, all of which tasted suspiciously like sweethearts fermented in orange juice under a prison radiator, and contained up to 12% alcohol per volume, making it more alcoholic than most white wines.  What made Four Loko truly brilliant, however, was the massive amounts of caffeine, taurine, and guarana.  In layman’s terms, shit would fuck you up.

And that’s why we loved it.  Loved.  Past tense.  Of course, after a few pesky instances of “students dying of alcohol poisoning because they were too caffeinated to know they were drunk” the damn government had to go and take away this glorious beverage’s ability to caffeinate the hell out of us.  But that’s not what we at AFFotD are here to argue against.

No, we’re here to dismiss the shitty parents who are trying to kick Four Loko when they’re down with a pointless, frivolous lawsuit against them.

Now, keep in mind, we at AFFotD love frivolous law suits.  We think they’re hilarious and awesome.  But when we see the things we love get dragged through these sort of law suits, we have to speak up.  We have to rally together and protest this tyranny!

To break down the facts of this case, we’re going to try to remain impartial and not use any strong language condoning or condemning the actions of either Four Loko or the parents who are filing this wrongful death suit.  Basically, these jackass parents let their little shit of a 15 year old get drunk on two Four Lokos at a concert (THAT’S EIGHT LOKOS PEOPLE) and when he was picked up and came home he darted into the middle of the street, with predictable results.

This 15 year old kid drank the Four Lokos at a concert, and drank two whole cans of the stuff.  The lawsuit claims that Four Loko’s fruity flavors are supposed to make it more appealing to children.  Which is basically like suing a cyanide manufacturer over a poisoning because you can find it apple seeds.  And it’s equally retarded- every AFFotD staff member has imbibed Four Loko at one point or a dozen, and we can safely say that A- you’re not drinking it for the taste and B- the sweetness is so sickly it’s almost impossible to chug it.  The taste of the drink actually forces you to pace yourself, because your body doesn’t’ want so much sweetness to go into it at once.  There’s a reason why between bitter alcohol (beer) and sweet alcohol (wine/mixed drinks) we’re far more likely to chug the bigger one.  Because it’s harder to drink the sweet stuff quickly.

There’s a reason why this is just about the only relevant picture when you google image search “chugging wine”

So first of all right off the bat, when people say “a can of Four Loko gives you the same buzz as four beers” they leave out the part where you’re more likely to drink beer faster anyway.  So this kid having two four lokos  was not some accident, he’ll be feeling pretty good after the first one, he’s just a fifteen year old kid who wants to get wasted at some concert.  Which we fully support.  But taking out a six pack of beers in half an hour and taking out two Four Loko in forty-five minutes are just synonymous for “get a lightweight teenager drunk.”

“I am a ventriloquist puppet.  I am holding a Four Loko.  Look at my mouth flap open.  Wap wap wap.”

So after this kid got what we in the AFFotD offices would call “3PM on a Tuesday afternoon drunk” the concert people called his parents, who picked him up.  When he got home, he was acting “erratic” (read as: normal drunk) and he darted out into the street (read as: was being a dumbass) and got struck and killed by a car (read as: tragic bad luck).

Don’t get us wrong, when we hear that a 15 year old child consumed a glorious alcoholic beverage and then died while drunk, we are saddened.  That child was a true American, and died the way we live- just drunk off his ass.  It’s a tragic accident…

But that’s just it.  It’s an accident.  Shit happens and sometimes you have to live with that.  But instead, these parents lose their child (and…let’s be real here, they clearly weren’t doing that good of a job looking after their kid if they A- let him get wasted at this concert and B- let him wander out into the goddamn street) and instead of grieving and mourning and trying to move on like literally millions of people dealing with tragedy every fucking day, their eyes light up and they hear a ca-ching noise repeatedly in the background.

I am saddened by my loss!  Ha ha!”

The parents decide to go through the news, allowing themselves to relive their son’s death over and over as news media interview them to say, “…Fucking seriously?” while they go and try to swindle cash out of the thing that was the 7th most responsible factor in their son’s death (behind the car, the son’s actions, the parent’s negligence, the fact that rib cages are not made out of stronger material, the laws of physics, and the shoes the son was wearing).

Maybe we’re coming off a bit harsh.  Maybe we don’t care.  We can’t to see the look on your face when you lose this case, Rupp family.  The company behind Four Loko might be saying that they’re sorry for your loss, but you two are making it hard for us to share the sentiment.

Anyway.  Pass us another Four Loko, we’re going for the record!

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