Tag Archives: Binge Drinking

An AFFotd Exclusive: Robert Stewart and the 1.00 BAC

“I’m not proud of it by no means but after that night and my hospital bills it would be nice to get something else out of it.  Lol.”

~Robert Stewart

beer hat

Listen.  We’re not exactly breakers of news around these parts.  We hear about things, we let you know them, and  we dig through the internet’s murkier basements to find about high alcohol beers or cotton candy flavored vodkas, but this isn’t exactly the Washington Post here.  The closest we come to breaking news is when we purposely misrepresent a news article because we’re feeling like being kind of dickish that particular day.  We’re not the kind of site that people go to when they want to be the first to hear about some Earth shattering development, though we’d not mind being the kind of site that people would offer free beers to so we can review them for them (hint hint, America).

That’s why we’re writing a quick AFFotD in order to tell you about an edit we recently made to one of our more popular article thanks to an email sent in by an intrepid reader.  He informed us that our article, at the time listing the eight highest BAC readings of all time, was a bit inaccurate, because he had just the previous weekend drank himself to a healthy (editor’s note: no the opposite of that word you just used) 1.00 BAC, meaning that a full 1% of all the blood in his body was alcohol.

bud select

To put it in perspective, his BLOOD was about half as alcoholic as this beer.

Do we know if this is true?  No.  Is it true?  Eh, we hope, maybe.  He wanted us to use his real name, he gave us his details of the day (our main concerns are that he remembers what he drank a bit too well and, honestly, that the email address he sent to us lists a different name than the one he told us to use for the article).   But we so rarely get a chance to break a story!  So anyway, here is the story of Kentucky resident Robert Stewart, which is possibly his real name or it’s possibly someone who really likes Rob Stewart taking us for a fucking ride, but yeah.  Our exclusive story about a 1.00 BAC.

Editor’s note:  At this point it should go without saying that this is not something you should ever try to match, because you will die.  Actively die.  Not, ha ha, oh man, this much booze will kill you, ha ha ha, no we mean it, HALF of this booze is what most doctors refer to as a lethal fucking blood alcohol content, so, like, just drink until you black out and stop there, okay?

An AFFotd Exclusive:  Robert Stewart and the 1.00 BAC

death with jim beam Continue reading

Advertisements

Money Grubbing Parents Need To Take Their Damn Hands Off Our Damn Four Lokos

“I want to have 12 lokos tonight!”

~This man knows what’s up

 

“There is no possible way I would regret this later in life.”

Binge drinking is about as American as binge drinking, and no one does it better than Americans.  While British people try to binge drink like us Americans, they don’t have the temperament for it, and usually end up just smashing pint glasses into each other’s faces.  No, America knows how to do it- you take one part “I love you man,” three parts “AC/DC is the BEST FUCKING BAND EVER” and about twenty parts alcohol.  But as we drink, we’re often faced with a very serious problem- drowsiness.  Alcohol is a depressant, and it can make you go from alert to passed out in a fairly short time.

He knew the risks

To quote the famous Senator, Tim Calhoun, “Sometimes you want to stay up and party, and the cocaine really helps you do that.”  But Cocaine is illegal (which isn’t that big of a deal) and not made in America (which is a big deal) and also doesn’t mix well with alcohol (…probably?) so American ingenuity came up with the brilliant principle…just add caffeine to the booze!  It’s so simple!  Rum and cokes were soon replaced by more potent mixtures, like Red Bulls and Vodka,s until they finally gave way to the most glorious alcoholic caffeinated concoction in American history…

May cause hallucinations

Continue reading

AFFotD News Item: Man Consumes Only Beer For Lent

“Dude…I’m too tired to be mad at you.”

~J. Wilson’s Liver

Every so often, our research department comes across an article headline that screams “America.”  We usually look for certain buzz words.  “Alcohol.”  “Punching Animals.”  “Man Causes Forest Fire.”  The typical American-friendly topics.  That’s why, when we stumbled across this article, we saw America pouring out of every letter of the headline.

“Beer-Only Fast Ends With Bacon Smoothie.”

…Sorry, give us a moment, there’s a little bit of America in our eye…we just need to regain our composure…

“I’m just…so…happy…”

Obviously, this was a story that required all the due deference and measured realism that only a staff of zealous Americans with drinking problems and a penchant for dick jokes could truly tackle, so we’ve arrived on the scene to give a  brief summary of these actions that sound so American that they made the skeleton of George Washington just shotgun a beer.

Yes.  This.

Newman’s Day, Why Beer Comes in Cases

“No guys please don’t do th…”

~Paul Newman, American Hero


A wise man once said, “to binge drink is to be American.  To sip at it like a fucking bitch is to get a hard punch to the face.”  That wise man was AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, immediately after he was informed on the “rules” for wine tasting.  Because it makes no sense to spit out alcohol in any circumstances.  Have we learned nothing from the sacrifices made in the film Beerfest!?

Never was there such a tale of woe…

Yes, if you aren’t drinking recklessly, well, you’re not really drinking are you?  That’s our motto at least (“hey, AFFotD, I thought your motto was like ‘fuck nature’ or something” well we’re allowed to have more than one motto okay dayumn!)  And, while there are numerous ways to overindulge in the fine art of liquor, very rarely do we see it turned into a celebration.  A day where dangerous drinking is not only encouraged, it’s mandated.  A day that exemplifies the finest qualities of an American hero.  A day that is the reason that, right now, someone is reading this on Easter Sunday and shouting to their roommate, “HOLY SHIT THIS ARTICLE KNOWS!  IT FUCKING KNOWS MAN!”

We do, John.  We know all.

How much are you freaking out right now man!?

That day of course, is Newman’s Day (or “Newman Day” if you want to go with what Wikipedia says).  Largely prevalent in schools where you would not assume to find Herculean bouts of alcoholism (Princeton and Yale), it has since spread across the nation to schools such as Marquette University, Northwestern University, Johns Hopkins, and even Newman’s Alma Mater, Kenyon College.

The origin of this day is attributed to a comment made by Paul Newman at a Princeton commencement address, where he stated, “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence? I think not.”  This is such an amazing quotation that even if you start to search for it, Google will stop you and go, “No, we get it we get it, you’re looking for that drinking day, here you go.  Seriously don’t waste our time by typing the rest of this out.”

“We get it, you’re an alcoholic, here’s your goddamn link.”  When did Google start getting so catty?

Obviously, in response to such a quote, the only logical thing to do was to take that advice seriously, and drink a whole case of beer in one day.  So with that in mind, we are going to celebrate with…

AFFotD’s April 24th All-Inclusive Guide to Celebrating (and Surviving) Newman’s Day

Continue reading