Tag Archives: Paul Newman

The American Joys of Spam (Not the Tasty Food Kind)

“Fr33 V1agrA l0w p4armas21cal pr1c3s!s!!!!!!!”

~The Internet

America is a well oiled machine fueled by skepticism.  When we see a homeless person aggressively panhandling on the street we assume, rightly or wrongly, that the person does not deserve our hard earned money, since they’ll just spend that money on drugs.  Besides, we’re in a rush and that quart of vodka is not going to buy itself, now is it?

We Americans are a cautious people, many of us so jaded that you can try for a lifetime and never earn our trust.  This is part of what makes America great, and it’s directly responsible for our world power.  When the 1930s came around, did we “let bygones be bygones” and start trusting Germany, or attempt to ally with Germany?  Hell no, we thought, “wait, this looks familiar…hmm…”  Well, except for, like, Walt Disney and Henry Ford.

How do we keep our healthy level of wary suspicion going so strong?  What enables us to write our children out of our will because we’re like 75% sure that they sided with their mother during the divorce proceedings?  Where do we find the strength and courage to speed past a car with a flat tire during a rainstorm because of that one time where we heard someone getting murdered like that?

Spam, that’s how.  Every day, our inboxes are flooded with hollow, empty promises, and the constant inundation of these penile enlargement offers or attractive girls who like to take off their clothes if you click this suspicious looking link.  Though we suppose if you trained yourself to think that pop-up windows were boobs, your computer would then be like, just so many boobs you guys.  Spam is named after the Spam Monty Python skit, which while not technically American, is still actually pretty damn cool.  Surprisingly, America is not the leading source of spam messages- with an estimated 6.6 trillion spam emails originating in the U.S., we trail Brazil’s 7.7 trillion spam messages, which ranks right up there with the fact that the first Heisman Trophy winner played at University of Chicago as one of the all time, “holy hell, I did not expect that to be the case” random factoids.

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Newman’s Day, Why Beer Comes in Cases

“No guys please don’t do th…”

~Paul Newman, American Hero


A wise man once said, “to binge drink is to be American.  To sip at it like a fucking bitch is to get a hard punch to the face.”  That wise man was AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, immediately after he was informed on the “rules” for wine tasting.  Because it makes no sense to spit out alcohol in any circumstances.  Have we learned nothing from the sacrifices made in the film Beerfest!?

Never was there such a tale of woe…

Yes, if you aren’t drinking recklessly, well, you’re not really drinking are you?  That’s our motto at least (“hey, AFFotD, I thought your motto was like ‘fuck nature’ or something” well we’re allowed to have more than one motto okay dayumn!)  And, while there are numerous ways to overindulge in the fine art of liquor, very rarely do we see it turned into a celebration.  A day where dangerous drinking is not only encouraged, it’s mandated.  A day that exemplifies the finest qualities of an American hero.  A day that is the reason that, right now, someone is reading this on Easter Sunday and shouting to their roommate, “HOLY SHIT THIS ARTICLE KNOWS!  IT FUCKING KNOWS MAN!”

We do, John.  We know all.

How much are you freaking out right now man!?

That day of course, is Newman’s Day (or “Newman Day” if you want to go with what Wikipedia says).  Largely prevalent in schools where you would not assume to find Herculean bouts of alcoholism (Princeton and Yale), it has since spread across the nation to schools such as Marquette University, Northwestern University, Johns Hopkins, and even Newman’s Alma Mater, Kenyon College.

The origin of this day is attributed to a comment made by Paul Newman at a Princeton commencement address, where he stated, “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence? I think not.”  This is such an amazing quotation that even if you start to search for it, Google will stop you and go, “No, we get it we get it, you’re looking for that drinking day, here you go.  Seriously don’t waste our time by typing the rest of this out.”

“We get it, you’re an alcoholic, here’s your goddamn link.”  When did Google start getting so catty?

Obviously, in response to such a quote, the only logical thing to do was to take that advice seriously, and drink a whole case of beer in one day.  So with that in mind, we are going to celebrate with…

AFFotD’s April 24th All-Inclusive Guide to Celebrating (and Surviving) Newman’s Day

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