“Finally found this fucking picture.”
~Johnny Roosevelt
It’s Saturday, which means it’s another opportunity for us to forgo responsibility and post a picture instead of some sort of meaningful article about, we don’t know, isinglass. Fish swim bladders for booze. Holy shit we absolutely need to write about that now.
Anyway, here’s a man drowning in beer.
Have a great weekend, everyone.
Posted in America Fun Fact of the Day
Tagged America, Beer, Beerfest, Drowning in Beer, Isinglass, Saturday Image of the Week
“No guys please don’t do th…”
~Paul Newman, American Hero
A wise man once said, “to binge drink is to be American. To sip at it like a fucking bitch is to get a hard punch to the face.” That wise man was AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, immediately after he was informed on the “rules” for wine tasting. Because it makes no sense to spit out alcohol in any circumstances. Have we learned nothing from the sacrifices made in the film Beerfest!?
Never was there such a tale of woe…
Yes, if you aren’t drinking recklessly, well, you’re not really drinking are you? That’s our motto at least (“hey, AFFotD, I thought your motto was like ‘fuck nature’ or something” well we’re allowed to have more than one motto okay dayumn!) And, while there are numerous ways to overindulge in the fine art of liquor, very rarely do we see it turned into a celebration. A day where dangerous drinking is not only encouraged, it’s mandated. A day that exemplifies the finest qualities of an American hero. A day that is the reason that, right now, someone is reading this on Easter Sunday and shouting to their roommate, “HOLY SHIT THIS ARTICLE KNOWS! IT FUCKING KNOWS MAN!”
We do, John. We know all.
How much are you freaking out right now man!?
That day of course, is Newman’s Day (or “Newman Day” if you want to go with what Wikipedia says). Largely prevalent in schools where you would not assume to find Herculean bouts of alcoholism (Princeton and Yale), it has since spread across the nation to schools such as Marquette University, Northwestern University, Johns Hopkins, and even Newman’s Alma Mater, Kenyon College.
The origin of this day is attributed to a comment made by Paul Newman at a Princeton commencement address, where he stated, “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” This is such an amazing quotation that even if you start to search for it, Google will stop you and go, “No, we get it we get it, you’re looking for that drinking day, here you go. Seriously don’t waste our time by typing the rest of this out.”
“We get it, you’re an alcoholic, here’s your goddamn link.” When did Google start getting so catty?
Obviously, in response to such a quote, the only logical thing to do was to take that advice seriously, and drink a whole case of beer in one day. So with that in mind, we are going to celebrate with…
AFFotD’s April 24th All-Inclusive Guide to Celebrating (and Surviving) Newman’s Day
Posted in Beer!
Tagged Alcohol, America, Anchorman, Bates College, Beer, Beerfest, Binge Drinking, Booze, Coors Light, Easter, fishing, Fuck Nature, Johnny Roosevelt, Johns Hopkins, Kenyon College, Marquette University, McDonalds, McGangbang, Newman Day, Newman's Day, Newman's Own, Northwestern University, Pabst, Paul Newman, PBR, Princeton, snooze button, The Evergreen State College, The Evergreen State College is DOING IT WRONG, We're Watching You John, Wine Tasting, Yale
“CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!”
~Science
You know what’s boring? Math and Science. Some people say they “like knowing what makes the world work” and “get a thrill from solving mathematical questions using logic and knowledge” but to that, we respond the way we responded to the kids who were good at Math and Science in Grade School.
Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.
In actuality, these areas of study, especially Science, are pointless. Why should we care what an atom looks like? And why are you going to try to spin said atoms really fast in a giant tube, when that clearly is going to lead to the destruction of the entire planet? Really, the only thing part in science class we paid attention to was that thing on how genetic traits carry over from parents to children, because it sure came useful when our ex gave birth to that kid and we were able to know we didn’t have to pay child support because someone with blue eyes cannot have a kid with green eyes. Thanks, science! Screw you, Cindy!
But science does, every once in a while, go out of its way to do something to tell us, hey, AFFotD, Science can be pretty American too. While we do have a team of scientists on our staff who invent things like bologna flavored vodka and vodka flavored bologna, we usually use science just for the silly, inconsequential studies, and not for hard hitting facts that help inform us of the very nature of our American ways. Sure, we know how tadpoles respond to weightlessness in space, but does science ever study something that really matters? To us? Americans?
Apparently, the answer is, “Fuck yes, of course we do, get your heads out of your ass, AFFotD,” because scientists have spent government money and months of their lives devoted to examining how bugs act when they are drunk.
Not that kind of Bugs, but your head is in the right place
Posted in Fuck Nature, Strange Alcohol
Tagged Alcohol, America, American Pie, Beerfest, Bees, bologna, Bugs, drunk ants, drunk bugs, Edible Scorpions, Fruit Flies, Fuck Nature, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, Insects, Large Hadron Collider, Math, Science, Sir John Lubbock, Tarantula Hawk, vodka
America Fun Fact of the Day 