“CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!”
You know what’s boring? Math and Science. Some people say they “like knowing what makes the world work” and “get a thrill from solving mathematical questions using logic and knowledge” but to that, we respond the way we responded to the kids who were good at Math and Science in Grade School.
Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.
In actuality, these areas of study, especially Science, are pointless. Why should we care what an atom looks like? And why are you going to try to spin said atoms really fast in a giant tube, when that clearly is going to lead to the destruction of the entire planet? Really, the only thing part in science class we paid attention to was that thing on how genetic traits carry over from parents to children, because it sure came useful when our ex gave birth to that kid and we were able to know we didn’t have to pay child support because someone with blue eyes cannot have a kid with green eyes. Thanks, science! Screw you, Cindy!
But science does, every once in a while, go out of its way to do something to tell us, hey, AFFotD, Science can be pretty American too. While we do have a team of scientists on our staff who invent things like bologna flavored vodka and vodka flavored bologna, we usually use science just for the silly, inconsequential studies, and not for hard hitting facts that help inform us of the very nature of our American ways. Sure, we know how tadpoles respond to weightlessness in space, but does science ever study something that really matters? To us? Americans?
Apparently, the answer is, “Fuck yes, of course we do, get your heads out of your ass, AFFotD,” because scientists have spent government money and months of their lives devoted to examining how bugs act when they are drunk.
Not that kind of Bugs, but your head is in the right place
Alcohol has long been used to drown bugs as a hilarious way to trick drunk people into eating bugs to feel “cultured.” First, there were worms in tequila bottles, and now, what the hell, edible scorpions. Because nothing says, “fuck you” to nature like using the insect kingdom’s most evil venom hell beast/primary antagonist in the film Honey I Shrunk the Kids as a fucking garnish for your martini.
Let’s be honest, you’d drink it just to say you have, right?
And while we take nothing but cathartic pleasure watching those damn jungle nightmare scorpions struggle to fight their boozy deaths, and in a small way it reminds us of that scene where the fat guy drowns in Beerfest, we fully endorse science’s attempt to see what would happen to insects when given less than enough alcohol to drown them.
Apparently, this started long ago.
In the 19th century, Sir John Lubbock, probably attempting to earn an posthumous honorary commendation from the as-of-yet-unfounded America Fun Fact of the Day offices, decided to study what ants are like when they’re drunk. He got Ants “sloppy drunk,” which is really the only kind of drunk that’s worth mentioning. The ants were so wasted they couldn’t move, and when sober ants were introduced, they picked up the ants that they knew and helped carry them home, possibly while the drunk ants started singing American Pie to see how much of the lyrics they had memorized. “Did you write the book of love…and uh…oh do YOU REMEMBER ROCK AND ROLLLLL LET MUSIC FAT ON A ROLLING STONE WOOOOOO THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED,” these ants likely screamed in their ant language, and their disgusted sober brethren plopped them back to their ant homes. However, the ants that were “strangers” to the sober ants, which was about 9 of the 41 ants, were tossed in a pool of water, which is either the ant equivalent to a stiff cup of coffee, or the ant equivalent of boozing up and then killing a rich husband for the insurance money.
Lubbock’s study was woefully incomplete, however, as it did not determine the amount of times the drunk ants said, “I love you, bro,” while being dragged home. AFFotD conservatively puts the over/under at 75.
However, scientists have only started to delve into the deep implications of getting insects drunk because it’s goddamn hilarious.
In 1998, the University of California in San Francisco, which has to be lying if they’re claiming not to be a party school, did a study on how fruit flies act while intoxicated, and found that they get drunk a lot like Americans do. We don’t know if they understood the irony of making that statement when they’re studying a bug that has so much sex we use the term, “multiplying like fruit flies.”
Apparently the fruit flies get hyperactive, and frequently request that “someone better put on some fucking Journey right fucking now” before becoming incredibly uncoordinated, and eventually passing out. Just like the average American Monday night.
At some point before passing out they apparently start acting all depressed.
Finally, in 2010, some people got some bees drunk, since they apparently were banking on the fact that bees are not belligerent drunks. Because, why the hell not?
God, the internet is awesome.
So keep at it, science. There’s a whole myriad of insects we’d love to see drunkenly stumbling around until they pass out. Grasshoppers? Sure, why not? Say it’s about alcoholism treatments or some shit! Worms? Absolutely, let’s see what it does to their actually-really-gross mating methods! Tarantula Hawks?
Don’t play with fire, scientists. We’ll let you tinker with fate with the Large Hadron Collider, but you are absolutely not allowed to give the Tarantula Hawk a taste for alcohol. You’ll doom us all.
But every other insect, yeah, go for it, liquor them up. You keep it up, science, maybe we’ll even enlist your services for our war against nature. We know, we’re excited about it too.