~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Everyday, the AFFotD office brings in the most exotic, unhealthy American meals we can think of. For example, today we ate Bald Eagle burgers. They were surprisingly gamey, but we made up for it with a really inventive Dijon Mustard recipe. We won’t tell you what’s in it, but we will tell you that it once was alive, and still is incredibly endangered (let’s just say it rhymes with Shcondor Eggs).
Needless to say, we were fairly impressed when, over sixteen years ago, Pizza Hut tried to blow our mind by selling the stuffed crust pizza, with cheese straight up crammed into the crust of the pie. That was a game changer, folks. Percentages of pizza ingredients going uneaten plummeted. Calorie intake skyrocketed. There were suddenly thousands of backwards pizza eating sightings.
It’s why this image even EXISTS
So when we were going through our daily lunch options, and Pizza Hut came up, we discovered something unexpected. Something wonderful. Something…well, something damn amazing.
We can say, with absolutely no hyperbole, that this is the greatest thing to happen to obesity since the invention of butter. Literally everything about this idea is brilliant. Pizza Hut is even doing crazy promotional stunts for this product, which is sort of like having Steve Jobs sponsor a car wash to raise awareness for the iPad 2. Sure, we appreciate it, but you’re sort of better off letting the product speak for itself.
This glorious monument to American eating habits has two variations. You can get it with pepperoni and cheese (yawn) or you can get the goddamn Meaty Recipe, which is cheese, pepperoni, Italian Sausage, AND Bacon. That’s…it’s just…glorious. Sorry, give us a moment, there’s something in our eyes…
(America. It’s America in our eyes.)
So here is our plan for this (sadly) limited edition Pizza Hut pizza. While nothing would please us more than to see how many of these 500-calorie-per-slice slices we can scarf down, that feels like an improper way to do this little number justice. It’s like putting an American flag over a French restaurant. It just feels like there’s so much potential being wasted. Instead, here’s OUR plan…
PIZZA BURGER. It’s the only way. It’s the only way.