“Chug chug chug chug chew chew chew chew run run run run!”
~Only the Most American of Runners
Americans either love or hate exercising. Sure, you can find some middle ground of, people that guess they should go for a jog today, but generally speaking, you have two camps of American exercisers—the kind of person that gets really into their workout journal, and the kind of person who actively brags that they go out of the way to limit their day to day physical exertions as much as possible. The stereotypes are in place—you have the cross-fit trainer on a Paleo diet, or you have the overweight American chugging a beer while eating a ChipoHut Taco (that’s where you take a Chipotle burrito, put it inside a full Pizza Hut pizza, and fold the whole thing into a massive taco).
Naturally, the latter is the more American option. However, in the past few years, people who “exercise” and “take care of their bodies” and “can go up a flight of stairs without running out of breath” have seemingly taken a hard look at themselves and said, “Yes, I should still exercise, but maybe I can find a way to do it while also being a little unhealthy, which sounds a lot more fun.”
We’ve coined a term for this kind of slightly unhealthy, exponentially more fun exercise—the Jog N’ Vom. Basically, dozens of races have sprung up across America that don’t want you to just run an arbitrary distance while they time you—they want you to incorporate drinking or eating something super unhealthy into your run, turning your 5K into an eating or drinking competition, which is a wonderful thing.
So, for you health nuts out there that still want to be the best American you can be, we present with you a (fairly) comprehensive list of the races that let you be bad while being good.
Jog N’ Vom: America’s Official Food and Drink Races
Posted in America's Best Foods, America's Culinary Treats, Pizza Pizza, Strange America, Strange Foods
Tagged America, April Fool's Twinkie Race, Bastille Day Baguette Relay Race, beer mile, Burrito Run, Chipotle, Chug chug chug chug, corndog classic, cupcake Run, Donut Dash, Donut Dash for CASA, Durham Doughman Relay, Hot Chocolate 15K, Jog, Jog N' Vom, Krispy Kreme, Krispy Kreme Challenge, NYC Cupcake Run, NYC Pizza Run, Pancake Race, pizza, Pizza Hut, Pizza Run, Run, San Diego Burrito Run, twinkie, Twinkie Race
“Pizza pizza, you so yummy, pizza pizza, OH GOD GET IT OUT OF ME, OH GOD WHAT DID I JUST INJEST?”
~Consumers of the following pizzas
We know that other countries out there like to ruin pizza for the rest of us. Scotland’s out there making Haggis pizza, Pizza Hut’s international office is apparently being run by a chef who recently suffered a horrific brain injury, and Japanese pizza is, well, you know. Japan. When faced with the horrors of snail pizza or whatever the living fuck cream corn potato pizza is, it’s comforting to come back to America and feast on the various ways we’ve perfected the pizza pie. Sure, some parts of the nation have kind of shat the bed as far as their take on the dish, but in general, America makes a simple, hearty, delicious pizza. At least we don’t have people actively trying to ruin it for everyone else, right?
Oh, goddamn it.
Here goes nothing.
America’s Grossest Pizzas
Posted in Strange Foods
Tagged Alligator, America, bone marrow, bronx, buffalo testicle pizza, chicken and waffles, Crème Fraiche, eel pizza, frog legs, gross pizza, grossest pizza in America, horseradish, Japanese pizza, octopus salami, pastrami, pizza, Pizza Hut, python pizza, rapini, rocky mountain oysters, Spaghetti, spaghetti pizza, squid ink pizza, Sunshine State, Texas, The Simpsons, Whacking Day
“Pizza Little Party? Oh man, let’s try to avoid jokes calling Pizza Little Party a Japanese pizza establishment, I’d be so rac…oh God, it’s real, isn’t it?”
~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD
Before we get started, let’s take a deep breath and look at that screenshot. Just, really soak it in. Let it wash over you like a cool stream. This is a thing that exists, that happened in real life, that is currently happening in real life. Don’t let yourself forget that.
For a website that dedicates itself to the Americanness of being American, we sure do seem to talk about Japan a lot. You might wonder, “Why? Why are there more articles about Japanese Doritos on this site than ones about Ben Franklin?” Well, for starters, if you ever tried to write about Ben Franklin’s life, you immediately would come down with a severe case of 18th century syphilis, and we’ve yet to find a writer to volunteer for that (though, come to think of it, we might have a perfect candidate). But secondly, Japan takes American ideals but then warps them in fascinating, terrifying ways, and we hope that maybe, just maybe, by showing them the craziness of their ways they might take things down a notch and start embracing a more normally (read as, “less tentacles”) American way of life.
You’re right. It’s futile. They’re too far gone to be saved. Just look at how they do pizza chains.
Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: The Pizza Little Party Pizzeria
Posted in Japan, Pizza Pizza
Tagged America, burger pizza, funny translations, Goddamn It Japan You're Doing it Wrong, google translate, gross pizza, Japan, megaburgerpizza, pizza, Pizza Hut, pizza in Japan, Pizza Little Party, Weird pizza
“Pizza pizza, go in my tummy, me so hungie, me so hungie.”
While America can’t lay claim to the invention of pizza, we certainly eat it better than anyone else. Pizza has become an integral dietary requirement of drunks and stoners alike, and even if Pizza Hut gets a little weird with it overseas, it is a simple yet effective grease-delivery advice. At its core, pizza is just bread, cheese, sauce, and whatever topping you want to choose in order to start arguments with the coworkers who are also stuck working late with you.
Of course, people say the same thing about hamburgers, and look what rich people have done to that. That’s right, America, it’s time to take out your monocles, practice your best “Character from Monopoly” accent, and try to contain your natural inclinations to begin a class war, as we present you with…
The World’s Most Expensive Pizzas
“Pizza Hut: Taste The Rainbow!”
~Okay, you got us, we’re not particularly knowledgeable about advertising slogans
Pizza chains are a staple of American society. They give us the ability to not have to leave the house when the game is on and we’re “legally” too day-drunk to drive, they afford us a convenient, no-silverware way to jam as much sodium and grease-based calories into our systems as humanly possible, and most of all, well, pizza is just fucking delicious. And while Papa Johns might earn our favor by using the Super Bowl as an excuse to give you free pizza, and Domino’s is doing its best to stop people from calling everything “artisanal,” Pizza Hut will always hold the crown as America’s leaders in cheese stuffed saucy goodness.
Yes, Pizza Hut has been stuffing our gullets since 1958, and ever since has innovated how we look at pizza, from the stuffed crust pizza to the stuffed TOPPING pizza. As Pizza Hut has become bigger and more international, however, they have expanded their menus to accommodate non-American tastes. While sometimes this involves pizza products that we wish they sold here in America, more often than not, these new international Pizza Hut dishes involve terrifying reminders of why every other nation except for America (and, we guess, some of those Europe countries) considers food preparation as a challenge to see who can offend God’s culinary sensibilities the most. Hint, it’s probably going to end up being Japan.
It’s always Japan.
The Strangest Pizza Hut Menu Items In The World
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Every so often our readers will alert us to something that deserves the attention of the average American. This can be an article, a Wikipedia entry of some sort, or one time it was just a piece of parchment with the words “I love you Jodie” scribbled over and over in blood. Seriously, John, get over it, she’s not even into dudes.
What we’re trying to say is, sometimes we’re given an article that says, in its headline, everything we would be able to say on the topic. But does that stop us from going ahead and writing on that topic anyway? No, of course not, this is America, to us redundancy is just a word that we don’t understand because it has more than three syllables in it (is it, like, a type of cheese?)
The article in question comes from Gizmodo, and states succinctly, “I can’t believe this hot dog stuffed crust pizza isn’t American.” We can’t either, Gizmodo. But now we need to know everything that we could possible know about…
England’s Hot Dog Stuff Pizza: Would You Like a Side of Nitrates With That?
“Alright, he deserves a break. Let him try that ridiculous, gloriously American pizza.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
A few weeks ago, we informed you of the most beautiful pizza ever concocted- the Pizza Hut Toppings Stuffed Pizza. This glorious conspiracy against your arteries has been unleashed onto America for a limited time only, so we had to get our staff to do a review on it. Unfortunately, most of our staff members only have collegiate degrees in cursing, and our food critic, John Goodman, is on a two week vacation to celebrate his Oscar we stole for him. So we had only one place to turn. We had to turn to the monster we had created, a man hellbent on revenge for the things we had put him through.
That’s right. We had to turn…to [REDACTED]. For those of you unfamiliar with his tale of woe, [REDACTED] is a staff member and investigative journalist whose name has been stricken from all of our documents to protect him from the fact that we once made him eat at a Vegan restaurant. After a series of tricks and cruel assignments, he finally snapped and escaped from our supervision, spending a strange week drinking and ghost-walking piers in Chicago.
He’s been in isolation ever since, regaining his American zeal and, well, sanity through a series of therapeutic procedures, so…hopefully, he’s ready to see the light of day. Because we really want to know if this pizza is any good. We’re guessing it fucking is.
Posted in Pizza Pizza, [REDACTED]
Tagged America, Christian Scientist Seeing Cellular Mitosis, Jalapenos, Jane Fonda, John Wayne, Mushrooms, pizza, Pizza Hut, Redacted, Salami, Stuffed Crust Pizza, Tofu, Toppings Stuffed Pizza
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Everyday, the AFFotD office brings in the most exotic, unhealthy American meals we can think of. For example, today we ate Bald Eagle burgers. They were surprisingly gamey, but we made up for it with a really inventive Dijon Mustard recipe. We won’t tell you what’s in it, but we will tell you that it once was alive, and still is incredibly endangered (let’s just say it rhymes with Shcondor Eggs).
Needless to say, we were fairly impressed when, over sixteen years ago, Pizza Hut tried to blow our mind by selling the stuffed crust pizza, with cheese straight up crammed into the crust of the pie. That was a game changer, folks. Percentages of pizza ingredients going uneaten plummeted. Calorie intake skyrocketed. There were suddenly thousands of backwards pizza eating sightings.
It’s why this image even EXISTS
So when we were going through our daily lunch options, and Pizza Hut came up, we discovered something unexpected. Something wonderful. Something…well, something damn amazing.
Posted in Pizza Pizza
Tagged America, American Flag, Bacon, butter, Condor Eggs, ipad, Italian Sausage, John Goodman, Meaty Recipe, Obesity, pepperoni, pizza, Pizza Hut, Steve Jobs, Stuffed Crust Pizza, Stuffed Toppings Pizza