“Can’t you just buy 600 McDoubles and a follow up quadruple bi-pass instead?”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Americans love hamburgers. It’s less costly and far more portable than steak, and it’s one of the most convenient ways to cram red meat into your colon that’ll never go away. They’re also delicious and unhealthy and we said that already. Of course, the reason why we eat a hamburger instead of ordering a steak is that it’s typically much cheaper to get a nice quality burger as opposed to a delicious un-ground-up chunk of animal meat.
However, as much as America loves economic gluttony, we also love rubbing our excess wealth in the faces of everyone less fortunate than us. Similarly to why Ron Jeremy chose a profession where he could allow as many people as possible to see his penis, many of America’s elite like to order food that reminds you that no matter how hard you studied for that Philosophy degree from one of the nation’s top universities, none of it did anything to help you earn that 15% tip they’re about to leave you that should be able to cover this month’s rent.
Sure, you can spend two dollars to stuff a McChicken inside of a McDouble, but why not show off your American know-how by ordering a hamburger that’ll cost as much as the inevitable doctor’s appointment you’d have to book after your encounter with the McGangbang? That’s why we’re here to present you with a not-particularly-exhaustive-because-we’re-honestly-super-hungover-right-now list of…
America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers
Why is America the greatest country on Earth while Japan is always, goddamn it, doing it wrong? Because Japan is a country where you can spend one hundred dollars on a bowl of soup, while America prefers to give you a hunk of meat with, like, gold and shit sprinkled on it. Don’t question the logic, it doesn’t even have to taste good, all that matters is if it’ll make the orphan you paid to watch you eat it cry.
And that’s the great thing about orphans. They always cry.
Now, we’ve previously touched on the novelty of giant burgers, which will set you a pretty penny, but it takes a special kind of advantageous chef to manage to convince consumers that a small piece of meat is somehow worth hundreds of dollars. Which is why we are here to salute, and empty our wallets for, these delicious (probably, we can’t really afford to try them) burgers.
The Richard Nouveau: $175
Ever since the whole Occupy movement hit the streets, there’s been a dialogue about the 1% versus the 99%, with a specific focus on the greed inherent in Wall Street. Some members of the upper crust saw this situation and attempted to look at it with an open, rational mind, and others, like those at the (now closed) Wall Street Burger Shoppe, decided to raise their middle finger to poor people and sell a burger for more money than most desk workers make in a day.
For those would rather spend the average month’s utilities bills to have a bowel movement that isn’t as smooth as you’d expect given how much you paid for the meal, the Richard Nouveau is made from 10 ounces of Kobe beef (Well, “Kobe Beef” as it’s actually impossible, legally impossible, to have Kobe Beef in America), 25 grams of black truffles, a seared slab of foie gras, aged Gruyere, and of course, the whole thing is sprinkled in gold flakes, proving once and for all that the forty-niners struggled for nothing, since all they had to do was wait 160 years and camp out in a rich dude’s toilet if they wanted to strike it rich.
Here’s the important thing to keep in mind with that picture up there. Look how much of that gold isn’t on the burger. There are gold flakes in the mayo, flakes on the plate, on the lettuce…after you’ve eaten this burger and wiped your mouth with pictures of starving Africans, you’re left with a very important question—what do you do with the leftover gold? It has literally no flavor or nutritional benefit, but the man who spends $175 on a hamburger (with just a normal poppy seed bun, we might add. Seriously? Can’t even put that shit on a pretzel roll?) doesn’t strike us as the kind of man who would sweep loose flakes of gold into his pockets to get his 25 cents from Cash-4-Gold. So do you just eat the gold for the hell of it? And also, will the voices of everyone you’ve wronged to get where you are in life ever stop screaming at you every time you close your eyes? If we had to guess, we’d say the answers would be yes, and then no. They’ll never stop.
Le Burger Extravagant: $295
If you’ve managed to create a burger that costs as much as a monthly lease payment on a car without going the “put some gold on it, bitches!” route, you either have an outstanding combination of decadent ingredients, or you’ve realized that there are douchebags in New York who will literally order anything so long as it’s referred to as “The most expensive burger in the world” and has a menu that discusses the ingredients with more nuanced detail than someone suffering from OCD trapped in a room filled with Magic Eyes.
Serendipity 3 is a café that supposedly appeared in the 2001 romantic comedy, a fact that our staffers didn’t remember because we were too busy staring into Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack’s soft, gentle eyes. They’re known for making a $1,000 sundae, a $69 hot dog (heh), and for making their own table salt that is derived from the dried tears of the homeless.
The latest step of their plan for humans to just evolve to the point that they only can subside on hundred dollar bills is Le Burger Extravagant, which of course if French for “Fuck you, we’re not translating any goddamn French on this site, this is America, assholes.” At nearly three hundred bucks, this Wagyu beef burger is infused with 10-herb white truffle butter, with toppings including shaved black truffles, hand-formed cheddar cheese that has been cave-aged for 18 months (remember when we said “the more nuanced your description of an ingredient, the more you can trick people into thinking it’s worth a fuckton?), a fried quail egg, and Salish Alderwood smoked Pacific sea salt (see previous parenthetical). This is all placed on a white truffle-buttered Campagna roll, which has a dab of crème fraiche with Kaluga caviar on the top, all of which is speared with a solid gold toothpick incrusted with diamonds. Because if you’re not gonna have diamonds on your toothpick, what was the point of closing down that Children’s Hospital to put up a new condominium complex, huh? They don’t call them blood diamonds for nothing.
The Douche Burger: $666
666 Burger is a food truck in New York City that makes it harder to make fun of them because they are inherently aware of how retarded this burger is. They describe the burger by saying it “may not taste good, but will make you feel rich as fuck.” It is a “Kobe” beef patty that is stuffed with foie gras, wrapped in gold-leaf, and smothered with caviar, lobster, truffles, Gruyere melted with Champagne steam (whaaat?), and a BBQ sauce that’s made using Kopi Luwak coffee (to save yourself a link click, it’s the world’s most expensive coffee, brewed from coffee beans that were fed to, and subsequently crapped out by, Asian palm civets.)
We’ve got to admit, the folks at 666 Burger are our kinds of Americans. In fact, in reading a Q&A of Franz Aliquo, the man behind this burger monstrosity, we’re pretty sure we’ve fallen in love, or at the very least, we’re ready to send him a bottle of AFFotD whiskey that doubles as a job offer. Here are some choice quotations.
“The idea came from our deep-seated disgust and hatred of all the other douche burgers out there. A burger is just meat, bun, and cheese.”
“I mean, what’s the point of putting gold flakes on your food? It doesn’t add to the flavor, it’s just to be able to say you ate gold flakes.”
And of course, when asked if anyone could actually buy this burger, he responded, “Absolutely. I’ll tell you that you’re an asshole, but I’m still going to take your money.”
For those wondering, only one of these burgers has ever been sold, which actually has given us a new found confidence in the intelligence of American consumers. Well, only temporarily.
The 777 Burger: $777
Have you ever wanted to poop an iPad? Well, if you go down to Le Burger Brasserie in Paris Las Vegas with an expense account and a severe over-estimation over the economic value of the work you do, you can be just 24 hours away from getting as close as you ever will when you send $777 worth of food on a one way trip through your gooey insides.
The 777 Burger is made from quote-un-quote Kobe beef with fresh Maine Lobster, caramelized onions, imported Brie cheese (…isn’t most Brie imported?), 100 year aged Balsamic vinegar, and to make it actually kind of worth the price tag (but not really at all) a bottle of Rose Dom Perignon champagne. Which makes perfect sense—most people who spend nearly $800 on a hamburger would prefer to be given enough alcohol that, if they finish it by themselves, will leave them having a hard time remembering the actual taste of the burger they just ate.
We normally would try to come up with a more clever way of saying, “If you are the kind of person who would unironically purchase this burger, we hate you, and if you ordered it ironically, we still hate you,” but, really, if you’re the kind of person who would unironically purchase this burger, we hate you, and if you ordered it ironically, we still hate you.
“Oh, haha AFFotD, that’s…” No. Shut it. We’re 100% serious. We hate you. With hatred.
Five. Thousand. Dollars. This burger, served at Fleur de Lys in Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas will cost you five. Thousand. Dollars. Granted, it comes with a bottle of 1995 Chateau Petrus, which normally costs about $2,500, and it comes with Ichendorf glasses, which you get to keep. But otherwise, it’s a pretty underwhelming way to spend the down payment on a small house. It is a Wagyu beef and foie gras burger patty, which comes with a truffle sauce, shaved black truffles, served on a brioche truffle bun, probably having been cooked in a truffle burning oven after being prepared by Truff L. Truffle, the celebrity chef who gained notoriety when a tragic gamma ray/gene splicing accident made him part man, part black truffle.
Of course, the cows from which the Wagyu was procured were each hand fed by Chef Truffle, using only the finest truffles from the truffle mines of India, a thing that no one was aware existed until this very minute. Each cow was named after truffles, there was Truffle Moo, Truffle Tasty, and of course, Truffle Shuffle. After burning truffle inscents around them for days, they were humanely dispatched, and their meat was gently massaged in truffle oil and the meat was ground into burgers using a rare meat grinder which is made primarily out of, you guessed it, truffles.
Oh, and don’t worry, when you order it, you get a certificate of authenticity to let your friends know exactly how much of a money-tossing tool you are. We can only assume that the certificate is made out of pulped truffle.
uSocial Burger: Bidding Starts at $10,000
This burger is thankfully only available one time through a charity auction held by an Australian advertising agency. While on one hand, we appreciate their unique approach to charity, we sort of hope no one actually buys this, because whoever would want to buy this should probably hold onto that money for their son’s ransom, erm, we mean, for their…kid’s…college fund? A blend of Australian Wagyu beef with a solid white truffle core, it’s topped with aged cheddar, Jamón Ibérico de Bellota, which is a rare Spanish ham from free-range pigs who feed only on acorns during the last period of their lives, the whole thing is then covered with sliced white truffle, 24kt gold leaf, and saffron. Finally, it’s placed on a black truffle brioche bun, and every time you take a bite into it, a masked man runs up and hit’s you in the dick with a sock full of quarters because you’re the kind of asshole who would spend ten large on a burger.
Now, at this point you might point out that this burger is not technically American, like the other entries in this list. And while that’s technically correct, we’d have to point out two things. First of all, fuck you, there’s a reason why we never want to hire a fact checker. And secondly, Australia is basically America at this point, and you know that if anyone actually buys this, it’s going to be some dick-nozzle who is sitting sullenly in his Central Park penthouse after deciding not to buy a Douche Burger after the food truck owner called him an asshole.
Because he is an asshole. But at least he’s an asshole with a whole crapload of gold flecks floating down his small intestine. For what that’s worth.