“No, we can’t write about Wendy’s! THEY’LL FIND US!”
~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
As some of our more intrepid readers might remember, AFFotD has a dark history with one particular American fast food establishment. Yes, for a period of time every spicy chicken sandwich you ate directly helped feed the AFFotD gambling debts coffers, but it came at the cost of our souls. Also at the cost of a few of our weaker family members, and one of our staffers house cat. Eventually, we were able to free ourselves from the corporate shilling curse, and continue to be independently drunk and American.
Of course, Wendy’s knew we couldn’t keep from talking about them forever. And after a few hard hitting exposés about Japan’s attempts at subverting American fast food, we discovered that Japan treated Wendy’s the same way they treat just about every goddamn fast food chain, so we figured we’d be safe of Wendy’s Necronomical influences if we talked about it, given that they were received so meekly in Japan that in 2009 they closed all 71 of their Japanese locations. Unfortunately, this lasted less than two years, and now Wendy’s has again opened its doors to Japanese terror culture. As of now, there are only two restaurants in the entire country, but that of course hasn’t stopped them from making nightmarish culinary creations that, despite our misgivings, force us to exclaim…
Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Wendy’s
In America, Wendy’s is considered a slightly classier fast food establishment than your Burger Kings and McDonald’s. They brag about how their square burgers are always fresh, never frozen, and they’re not afraid to put their spicy chicken sandwich on fancy bread with fresh jalapenos. Since Japan always tries to take an American idea and then enhance it until it borders on insanity, Japan’s latest incarnation of Wendy’s has decided, fuck it, let’s make sandwiches that are so expensive you wonder why you don’t just bother trying to go to a nice sit-down restaurant to get a cheaper, probably better, burger. It’s basically like they read our article about expensive hamburgers, and decided “Yeah, but how can we do that with fast food grade burger patties?”
The $16 Foie-Gras-And-Truffle Wendy’s Burger
We’re not going to lie, this burger looks like it could actually taste good, as opposed to most of the terrifying creations that come out of Japanese fast food kitchens. This is a basic Wendy’s hamburger that’s topped with Foie Gras and Truffle, because who says “Wendy’s” can’t mean the same as “Fancy”? (The dictionary, that’s who). This Wendy’s burger (which again, we cannot stress this enough, at it’s very core is just a fast food hamburger patty) was sold for 1,280-yen, which is about $16.45 is non-gibberish money. And even with the truffle and foie gras, that seems excessive. There are hamburger places throughout America that make burgers with equally decadent toppings, and they rarely cost more than, say, $12 if you’re going to the right places.
Admittedly, apart from the price, this doesn’t seem totally batshit insane. Yes, by charging more for a burger than most other places you’re effectively doing the opposite of what ever fast food company in existence has ever done, but it’s not like they’re going off the deep end by making every burger of theirs impossibly expensive, right?
The Surf & Turf Wendy’s Burger
Apparently, Japanese Wendy’s doesn’t serve anything that costs less than $16 bucks, because here is a $16.28 burger that literally is just a typical Wendy’s hamburger with some lobster meat plopped on it. Look, Japan, we’re glad that you’re not trying to make the bun out of cheese stuffed shrimp or something like that, but at this point you’re making a product that’s more expensive than you’d get anywhere else. They took a $3 burger, put a single lobster claw on top of it and were like, “So, what, that should be an extra thirteen bucks, right?” We’ve found restaurants that’ll put lobster in your mac and cheese, and that only cost us an extra four clams, and yes that pun was intentional, and yes it was awful, but anyway we’re still pretty damn sure there was more lobster in that meal than they’re putting on this burger.
It’s like Japan has forgotten how to make something that’s appetizing, fancy, but not fucking insane, so they just decided everything would sell for $16 and they’d just throw together random, fancy sounding ingredients.
The Lobster-And-Caviar Wendy’s Burger
Oh Goddamn it, you’re fucking with us now right? So you decided that, for the same price as the previous burger, you would just get rid of the hamburger patty and replace that with fucking caviar? Okay, you’re starting to understand idiotic-rich-people cuisine, but in the process, might just be forgetting that you’re a fucking fast food restaurant. What we actually are most bemused by is that Japan’s Wendy’s decided they want to make fancy, super-expensive burgers, that they forgot that most people adjust all the other ingredients accordingly. Why does a burger that is just lobster and caviar on a bun need to have lettuce, tomato, and onion on it? Do they want to make sure that by keeping the onion on there you couldn’t possibly taste the lobster or caviar you’re paying for? This is the closest we’ve ever seen Japan get to doing something right, and goddamn it, they’re still doing it wrong!
Fuck It, There’s A $20 Wendy’s Lobster Salad, Too
Yeah, it’s basically lettuce, egg, cherry tomatoes, red onions, avocado, lobster, and caviar. Or, essentially, they took the goddamn caviar and lobster burger and replaced the bun with avocado, and decided that was enough to boost the price another four bucks. Listen, we’re not going to mince words here—if we ever catch you paying $20 for a salad, we will hunt you down like cattle. We’re just saying.
Whatever The Fuck This Is
This is apparently a Mont Blanc-flavored roll cake that Wendy’s sells too. We don’t know how much it costs, but knowing the people in charge of the Wendy’s over there in Japan, it’s probably more than a Spicy Chicken Sandwich over here.
So to recap—the one fast food restaurant in all of Japan that decided to make things that looked like they could actually not taste like insanity decided to totally ignore the meaning of “Fast Food” and make overpriced, faux-gourmet hamburgers and salads. Japan…why do we even try to teach you the right way to do things at this point? Goddamn it.