“No, we can’t write about Wendy’s! THEY’LL FIND US!”
~Johnny Roosevelt, AFFotD Editor-in-Chief
As some of our more intrepid readers might remember, AFFotD has a dark history with one particular American fast food establishment. Yes, for a period of time every spicy chicken sandwich you ate directly helped feed the AFFotD gambling debts coffers, but it came at the cost of our souls. Also at the cost of a few of our weaker family members, and one of our staffers house cat. Eventually, we were able to free ourselves from the corporate shilling curse, and continue to be independently drunk and American.
Of course, Wendy’s knew we couldn’t keep from talking about them forever. And after a few hard hitting exposés about Japan’s attempts at subverting American fast food, we discovered that Japan treated Wendy’s the same way they treat just about every goddamn fast food chain, so we figured we’d be safe of Wendy’s Necronomical influences if we talked about it, given that they were received so meekly in Japan that in 2009 they closed all 71 of their Japanese locations. Unfortunately, this lasted less than two years, and now Wendy’s has again opened its doors to Japanese terror culture. As of now, there are only two restaurants in the entire country, but that of course hasn’t stopped them from making nightmarish culinary creations that, despite our misgivings, force us to exclaim…
Goddamn It Japan, You’re Doing It Wrong: Japanese Wendy’s
“Can’t you just buy 600 McDoubles and a follow up quadruple bi-pass instead?”
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Americans love hamburgers. It’s less costly and far more portable than steak, and it’s one of the most convenient ways to cram red meat into your colon that’ll never go away. They’re also delicious and unhealthy and we said that already. Of course, the reason why we eat a hamburger instead of ordering a steak is that it’s typically much cheaper to get a nice quality burger as opposed to a delicious un-ground-up chunk of animal meat.
However, as much as America loves economic gluttony, we also love rubbing our excess wealth in the faces of everyone less fortunate than us. Similarly to why Ron Jeremy chose a profession where he could allow as many people as possible to see his penis, many of America’s elite like to order food that reminds you that no matter how hard you studied for that Philosophy degree from one of the nation’s top universities, none of it did anything to help you earn that 15% tip they’re about to leave you that should be able to cover this month’s rent.
Sure, you can spend two dollars to stuff a McChicken inside of a McDouble, but why not show off your American know-how by ordering a hamburger that’ll cost as much as the inevitable doctor’s appointment you’d have to book after your encounter with the McGangbang? That’s why we’re here to present you with a not-particularly-exhaustive-because-we’re-honestly-super-hungover-right-now list of…
America’s Most Expensive Hamburgers