“Now if we can only find a way to sew in a shake-n-bake Mountain Dew bottle in these things, we’ll be giving our demographic everything they could possibly ask for!”
Last August, our staff woke up from our normal position of “passed out on the bourbon and tear stained carpet of our office floor” to find a package at the door. After having our bomb-detectors/interns-who-open-our mail-blindly ensure this wasn’t another mail bomb from PETA (Come at us, bro! Still here man!), we opened it to find a slew of shirts, a few gnawed-on sticks of venison jerky, an American flag bandana that reeked of gasoline and red phosphorous, and a few crumbled up cans of Watermelon flavored Four Loko. We were instantly excited when we looked at the shirts, which were the most gloriously absurd American creations we had ever encountered. Yes, we are referring to the Big Face Animal T-Shirt line from The Mountain, self-proclaimed as “America’s Greatest T-Shirt Company!” and more accurately, the “Home of the Three Wolf Moon™.”
So while we felt good that we were able to help inform you, the enterprising American with a surprisingly large collection of un-ironic trucker hats and household decorative products that have the letters “udweiser” on them, of these glorious shirts, we’ve decided to take another look at the latest offerings from The Mountain, ready to go direct from the internet to your home. To, eventually, a mug shot for public intoxication and resisting arrest.
Big Face Animal Shirts: The Second Wave Of Designs
There is the shirt that started it all. Well, the tank top version of the shirt. Honestly, we don’t know why they bother making any other version of this shirt, because once you’re buying fabric displaying three wolves howling at a moon strangely situated on top of what paradoxically seems to be the northern lights, sleeves sort of become redundant. The only thing wrong with this design is that it doesn’t give you that DIY look from everyone else who just buys their three wolf moon shirts and rips off the sleeves on their own.
We’re just praying for the moment where The Mountain realizes their full potential and says, “Fuck it, we’re turning this design into a frayed denim jacket.” Oh, hey, The Mountain, since we know you’re reading this, when you do start selling that jacket, we’ll only ask for 5% of the royalties. You’re welcome.
We’ve gotten copious amounts of hate mail over the years for our indiscretions regarding the native population, like referring to alcohol as “Sitting Bull’s Firewater” or for referring to Indians as “The Cursed Redman” or for having Halloween parties where we dress everyone up as offensive Native American mascots and then have one of our staffers put on a shirt that says “Smallpox” and run through the room chloroforming everyone he can catch. So when we tell you that we miiight think this shirt is a little racist, we want you to understand the full gravity of that statement.
Listen, The Mountain, we appreciate your patriotic zeal here, but putting a Native American chief’s head inside the wingspan of a bald eagle while giving him an American Flag face paint job like some sort of 7-year old at a Fourth of July block party seems a bit much. This is pretty much the Manifest Destiny version of the home team’s fans chanting “scoreboard” at the end of a College Football blowout. Someone just bought this shirt to buy tax-free cigarettes at an Indian casino and just got their asses kicked by a bunch of tall dudes with long hair and nature-based names, you know that right?
Now this is more of what we like to see from The Mountain. There are two types of people who look at a dog and say, “Oh look, he thinks he’s people!” Obnoxious pet owners, and meth-ed out T-Shirt designers who decide to put a dog’s head on top of a Marine. And not only a Marine-dog, but a Marine-dog that holy shit is pointing an assault rifle right at you! And yet, for some reason, you’re not concerned. This shirt proves us how far we’ve gone in the past 20 years- put a shirt with a gun on it on a minority in New York during the early 1990’s he’d be shot to death by the police the moment he reached for his green card, but today, this shirt can be the easiest way to spot out which junior high kid’s parents like to do their clothes shopping from Wal-Mart. Big Dog shirts used to be popular, but this shirt is a far more effective way to spot who is starting to grow out their rattail.
HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL? Listen, people eat rabbits. Hell, you can go to a supermarket in America and find a hunk of rabbit meat ready for you to eat. We also cut off their feet and use them as good luck charms. But people also think rabbits are cute, and do little nursery rhymes where they name them foo foo. So how can we reconcile the fact that an animal that some people keep as pets is something you can order at a restaurant without anyone batting an eye? HOW ABOUT THE FACT THAT THIS IS HOW THE FACE OF A RABBIT LOOKS UP CLOSE!
This design is brilliant because the face really does look to be three dimensional, popping out towards you. But unfortunately, this design is foolish, because when the inevitable 300 pound man jiggles his belly inside this thing, it’ll either ruin the illusion, or everyone will run from him shrieking because the age of the Rabbit has dawned, and none of us will ever truly be safe again.
This shirt is called “Big Cock Head.” Nice try, The Mountain, you thought if you served us up that joke-softball we’d make the obvious reference about how this resembles Christopher Walken, who had a brief period where he was a big coke head. Sorry, The Mountain, we tend to be a little more highbrow.
You know, like how this shirt is named after the tip of a large penis.
Hey kids, hate to break it to you, but there’s no such thing as unicorns. But there is such a thing as a shirt that can make it much easier to tell your WOW team that you’re gay the first time you all meet up in person at a Chuck E. Cheese’s.
We’re glad that The Mountain, like AFFotD, supports the LGBTQ community, but we have to point out, despite all their good intentions, even though you tried to design this shirt as a surefire way for large burly gay men to advertise themselves as being Bears in a stylish way, we don’t think it’s particularly in line with the general fashion aesthetic of that particular gay community in this day and age. Granted, most of our knowledge of what’s gay-chic is from, at best, the mid Aughties, but still, we think you missed your target demo with the design. The only people we can imagine wearing this shirt would be children who have been involved in family portraits that contain more than 2.5 mullets, and men with tribal tattoos who need to drive around in a motorized cart when they go grocery shopping. You guys are slipping, The Mountain. Slipping we tells you!
Okay actually, this one is kind of badass, and we just put in an order for a dozen of them.
Never change, The Mountain. Never change.