“Alright, he deserves a break. Let him try that ridiculous, gloriously American pizza.”
A few weeks ago, we informed you of the most beautiful pizza ever concocted- the Pizza Hut Toppings Stuffed Pizza. This glorious conspiracy against your arteries has been unleashed onto America for a limited time only, so we had to get our staff to do a review on it. Unfortunately, most of our staff members only have collegiate degrees in cursing, and our food critic, John Goodman, is on a two week vacation to celebrate his Oscar we stole for him. So we had only one place to turn. We had to turn to the monster we had created, a man hellbent on revenge for the things we had put him through.
That’s right. We had to turn…to [REDACTED]. For those of you unfamiliar with his tale of woe, [REDACTED] is a staff member and investigative journalist whose name has been stricken from all of our documents to protect him from the fact that we once made him eat at a Vegan restaurant. After a series of tricks and cruel assignments, he finally snapped and escaped from our supervision, spending a strange week drinking and ghost-walking piers in Chicago.
He’s been in isolation ever since, regaining his American zeal and, well, sanity through a series of therapeutic procedures, so…hopefully, he’s ready to see the light of day. Because we really want to know if this pizza is any good. We’re guessing it fucking is.