“Pizza Little Party? Oh man, let’s try to avoid jokes calling Pizza Little Party a Japanese pizza establishment, I’d be so rac…oh God, it’s real, isn’t it?”
~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD
Before we get started, let’s take a deep breath and look at that screenshot. Just, really soak it in. Let it wash over you like a cool stream. This is a thing that exists, that happened in real life, that is currently happening in real life. Don’t let yourself forget that.
For a website that dedicates itself to the Americanness of being American, we sure do seem to talk about Japan a lot. You might wonder, “Why? Why are there more articles about Japanese Doritos on this site than ones about Ben Franklin?” Well, for starters, if you ever tried to write about Ben Franklin’s life, you immediately would come down with a severe case of 18th century syphilis, and we’ve yet to find a writer to volunteer for that (though, come to think of it, we might have a perfect candidate). But secondly, Japan takes American ideals but then warps them in fascinating, terrifying ways, and we hope that maybe, just maybe, by showing them the craziness of their ways they might take things down a notch and start embracing a more normally (read as, “less tentacles”) American way of life.
You’re right. It’s futile. They’re too far gone to be saved. Just look at how they do pizza chains.
Goddamn it Japan, You’re Doing it Wrong: The Pizza Little Party Pizzeria
We honestly had not heard about Pizza Little Party before writing this article, primarily because we’ve generally focused our attention to Japan’s terrifying treatment of Pizza Hut. But when someone comes out with a pizza that is filled with hamburgers, it tends to grab our attention. As such, when we heard that Japan was selling a hamburger/pizza Frankenstein called “Megaburgerpizza” and that it came from a chain of pizzerias called “Pizza Little Party” we just assumed someone was being racist with Google translate.
Since then, we’ve been on a journey of discovery, which is a deep-sounding way to say we’ve been trying to make sense out of the jumbled mess that is their corporate website. Our first introduction to Pizza Little Party (that name will never stop being hilarious) was this:
Just look at that fucking thing. You’ve got pizzas being used as a hamburger bun, and underneath the top pizza are, we’re seeing, at least six cheeseburger patties. When we saw this, our first thought wasn’t “HOLY SHIT THIS IS A $26 DOUBLE PIZZA WITH HAMBURGERS STUCK BETWEEN,” it was in fact, “Eww, they put ketchup, onions, pickles, and mustard on it as if it were a real hamburger.”
Naturally we went to their website, and even tried to translate it, and were unable to find anything out about this place other than that they apparently want us to Summer with them and that they sell a scallop, shrimp, and steak pizza as well as many other topping combinations we can’t even begin to comprehend.
We also found the following. Which we will post here without further comment.
Of course you can’t stop a journalistic powerhouse such as AFFotD, so we eventually were able to find an English translation of their menu, which was about as confusing and terrifying as their website. Oh, and we must reiterate, their website is confusing and terrifying.
Ha ha, what the actual fuck?
At this point there’s no use in trying to approach this pizza chain rationally, so we’re going to list off some of the more unnerving pizza options on their menu instead. But first, to get us through this, we’ll need some ice cold beer. What’s that? Pizza Little Party can get that for us? Hopefully they don’t find a way to make it terrifying!
Trololol, oh Japan, you make everything so crazy. But, if we’re reading this right, if you have less than 12 beers they’ll still let you hop on your motorcycle and drive home. The Japanese are nothing if not responsible.
But anyway, on to the actual pizza.
Keep in mind that even though this came from their English menu, they chose to keep the little terror generator mascot’s words of excitement in Japanese characters. He’s probably saying, “Silly Americans, you know not your fate.” Who knows. Either way, cream, corn, potato, and sauce are four words that, individually, are perfectly fine words. Some are even great words! Potatoes are delicious! Cream? Yum! But if you take those four words and add “pizza” at the end, you suddenly have what we like to call nightmare fuel. Pure, unimpeded nightmare fuel.
Okay, there actually doesn’t seem to be that gross or strange. It’s a perfectly fine vegetarian pizza if you stop before they get to the “potatoes and asparagus and we don’t know what we’re doing here” part of the ingredients. Onions, tomatoes, and mushrooms? Fine. Really we’re just putting this one up there because we think that the translation of “Full of Vegetable Healthy Pizza” is one of the most hilarious names we’ve ever seen for a pizza. And by warning us it’s “healthy” they’ve saved us from ourselves accidentally ordering it and having to chug some bacon grease to even things out after.
This is easily one of the most confusing side dishes we’ve ever seen. If we had to guess, they had one guy with an okay-but-not-great grasp of the English language doing all the translation for these dishes, and this poor fella was looking through his list of English food terms and said, “Hmm, we are at H. Hushpuppies are a fried dish, yes? That looks like this, yes. But wait, a puppy is small dog. Americans do not eat puppies. No, they must mean to say a hushd potato. Does that look right? Yes. It’s hushd potato. Or should there be an ‘e’ there? No. It is hushd. Now just put them on a plate with a single leaf of lettuce, and sell it with salt and ketchup and the regular American businessmens will say, ‘Oh, look at these delicious hushd potatoes, just like mother used to make back in old town Carolina, Tennessee, with fried peaches and fish sauce, this removes for me all home sickness.’” And that’s what he said, out loud, to himself, verbatim. You can quote us on that.
We don’t know what this is, and that frightens us. This LITOPA Special (which, apparently, is just the shorthand name the pizza joint gives itself, not some virulent strain of listeria) seems to have…everything on it, and knowing Japan, that’s going to involve a lot of things that don’t belong on pizza. While we see ham and pepperoni, which is fine, there also appears to be chives, corn, and…is that egg? We’re pretty sure those are some chunks of scrambled eggs on there. Listen, as a general rule, you have to be as suspicious of Japanese “specialty” pizzas as you would be a stranger walking up to you and wordlessly handing you a drink. “Um…what’s in this?” “It’s our special!” “No, seriously, tell me everything that is in there so I can know what is on this slice of pizza that I’m still going to throw away.” We’d not be surprised if the only ingredients listed on this thing were ham, pepperoni, corn, and Roofies.
This pizza’s name would be more honest if it was just called “Culinary Red Flag Pizza.” Do us a favor and stare at that picture for a while. Like, three minutes or so. We’ll wait.
You feel that dull ache in your stomach? Well, now, open your mouth. Did you just hear a howl? That’s right. That’s because your stomach is currently screaming “DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!” We’ve got random seafood (shrimp, calamari, and…God, probably twelve different ways to catch hepatitis) littered over a pizza that is made with Negi Mochi (which, apparently, is a green onion pancake) and it’s all on top of a “special okonomi sauce.” While any “special” sauce on a seafood pizza made by Japan should set some warning sirens blaring, it only gets worse from there, since okonomi is the Japanese word meaning “what you like.” Which means that it’s not even some white sauce or seafood sauce, the sauce is literally just a “whatever the fuck we feel like” sauce. We’re not saying there are going to be used syringes in your pizza, but we’re absolutely saying that.
Who did they have to butcher to become the king of the butchers?
WHO DID THEY HAVE TO BUTCHER TO BECOME THE BUTCHER KING!?
Of course, why limit yourself to one terrifying pizza, when you can have four different flavors, carefully placed next to each other to ensure that half of the pizza consists of slices where horrendously non-compatible ingredients flow over from their intended slices. The Pote Mayo, topped with ham, potato, mayonnaise, and the confetti of a picture documenting the worst moment of your life shares a border with the Seafood Deluxe as well as the Butcher King. These topping groupings then find themselves adjacent to the “American Basic” because you know how every week you go to your favorite America pizza place and order the basic American pizza of chives and pepperoni. We should point out that by having three segments of the pizza covered in meat, and one covered in seafood, you’re ensuring a minimum of two slices that have some combination of pepperoni or ham with calamari and shrimp. So, good job Japan, you found a way to ruin your own pizza which was already ruining the general concept of pizza.
So there you have it, folks. Pizza Little Party, Japan’s conveyor of terrifying pizza products and sides (oh they sell pasta too? Fucking wonderful) is here to make sure that Americans all over can sleep in peace knowing that Japan’s version of pizza chains truly are as terrifying and gross as we feared they may be. Pizza Summer Party Fun Time!
Ain’t no party like a Pizza Little Party because a Pizza Little Party will HAUNT YOUR DREAMS
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