“Wait, this…this is wonderful. Is this a test? What did I do to earn this?”
When [REDACTED], our much maligned investigative journalist, took over our servers a few months ago to use affotd.com as launching point for his Buzzfeed application, we were pretty pissed off at first. Normally, we’d respond to such disrespect by making him talk about Cricket, or maybe force him to eat something with tofu on it. But after some deep reflection (read as, heavy drinking) our editorial staff decided that maybe we were going about it all wrong. You catch more flies with honey, as the saying goes, though we can’t for the life of us figure out why anyone would want to exert effort catching flies in the first place. So maybe, instead of punishing [REDACTED], we should give him a video we know he’ll love, and allow him to write about that.
Yeah, it probably won’t do much good, and we’ll probably start giving him horrific white celebrity raps (Ron Jeremy anybody?) as soon as we come down from this Jack Daniels buzz, but at least today [REDACTED] can spend a few thousand words picking out screen grabs from a wonderfully American video. Because look at that picture up there. Isn’t that the most goddamn beautiful start to a video you can possibly imagine? [REDACTED] better appreciate what we’re doing for him here.
[REDACTED] Watches Con Bro Chill’s “Born Free America”
“If you DON’T own the ‘Three Wolves Howling At The Moon’ shirt, you’re an awful person and I hate you.”
The staffers of AFFotD have a soft spot in their heart for The Mountain, the geniuses behind the Big Face Animal shirts who still haven’t taken us up on our offer to graciously accept any free products they’d be willing to send our way, but that’s neither here nor there. The Mountain is staffed by dedicated workers who, we assume, are a lot like us here in the America Fun Fact of the Day offices. We imagine that they, like us, spend their weekdays recovering from the temporary blindness that inevitably occurs after swigging moonshine from a poorly maintained sill, whispering into the void “what now?” as the void whispers back “you need a T-shirt of a Gorilla in a spacesuit giving you a thumbs up.” The void is wise.
The Mountain has perfected the art of T-shirts that are stylish, comfortable, and work surprisingly well as a makeshift pot handler in a mobile meth lab, but that doesn’t mean they’re content to rest on their laurels watching stacks of dollar dollar bills flood their P.O. boxes. No, they are constantly striving to make new and exciting shirts because goddamn it, someone out there wants to wear a giant house fly face on their chest, and if The Mountain isn’t going to oblige them, who the fuck will?
So every now and then we like to bring up The Mountain catalog and list some shirts you need to be buying at this very moment. It’s partially a public service announcement, partially a play to get free shit from The Mountain, and somehow the free publicity we offer actually counts towards our community service hours for some reason. America!
The Latest And The Greatest From The Mountain and Big Face Animal Shirts
Posted in Big Face Animal Shirts
Tagged America, American Flag, Bald Eagle, Big Face Animal, FDR, Goat, Jason Heuser, JFK, Poison Arrow Frog, Presidents, The Mountain, Three Wolves Shirt, Tiger, Wolves
~AFFotD Food Critic, John Goodman
Everyday, the AFFotD office brings in the most exotic, unhealthy American meals we can think of. For example, today we ate Bald Eagle burgers. They were surprisingly gamey, but we made up for it with a really inventive Dijon Mustard recipe. We won’t tell you what’s in it, but we will tell you that it once was alive, and still is incredibly endangered (let’s just say it rhymes with Shcondor Eggs).
Needless to say, we were fairly impressed when, over sixteen years ago, Pizza Hut tried to blow our mind by selling the stuffed crust pizza, with cheese straight up crammed into the crust of the pie. That was a game changer, folks. Percentages of pizza ingredients going uneaten plummeted. Calorie intake skyrocketed. There were suddenly thousands of backwards pizza eating sightings.
It’s why this image even EXISTS
So when we were going through our daily lunch options, and Pizza Hut came up, we discovered something unexpected. Something wonderful. Something…well, something damn amazing.
Posted in Pizza Pizza
Tagged America, American Flag, Bacon, butter, Condor Eggs, ipad, Italian Sausage, John Goodman, Meaty Recipe, Obesity, pepperoni, pizza, Pizza Hut, Steve Jobs, Stuffed Crust Pizza, Stuffed Toppings Pizza