“Wait, this…this is wonderful. Is this a test? What did I do to earn this?”
When [REDACTED], our much maligned investigative journalist, took over our servers a few months ago to use affotd.com as launching point for his Buzzfeed application, we were pretty pissed off at first. Normally, we’d respond to such disrespect by making him talk about Cricket, or maybe force him to eat something with tofu on it. But after some deep reflection (read as, heavy drinking) our editorial staff decided that maybe we were going about it all wrong. You catch more flies with honey, as the saying goes, though we can’t for the life of us figure out why anyone would want to exert effort catching flies in the first place. So maybe, instead of punishing [REDACTED], we should give him a video we know he’ll love, and allow him to write about that.
Yeah, it probably won’t do much good, and we’ll probably start giving him horrific white celebrity raps (Ron Jeremy anybody?) as soon as we come down from this Jack Daniels buzz, but at least today [REDACTED] can spend a few thousand words picking out screen grabs from a wonderfully American video. Because look at that picture up there. Isn’t that the most goddamn beautiful start to a video you can possibly imagine? [REDACTED] better appreciate what we’re doing for him here.
[REDACTED] Watches Con Bro Chill’s “Born Free America”
Oh my God, what am I watching? This is…this is magical. I feel like I’m being tricked, because this is literally the most wonderful thing I’ve ever been made to watch. Okay, deep breaths, just accept that something wonderful is happening, and let the joy fill your heart, [REDACTED]. Okay.
“You’re not going to believe this,” the video starts as we see a car draped in an American flag, three men in American flag leggings, two men and a woman in American flag tank tops, and a woman in an American flag leotard waving a flag in the background. Oh and two of the men are wearing American flag shades, because of course they are, and I still don’t know why they’re letting me watch this video and tell you about it, but I’m so happy that they did.
Anyway. “You’re not going to believe this, I just found out the last American Man Eagle is still out there. And you can bet your balls I’m gonna ride that bird and bring freedom back to this town!” BAM. As the last word echoes and we’re greeted with a wave of guitars, the flag from the opening shot is removed to reveal…
Wait for it…
Fucking wait for it you impatient sons of bitches…
AMERICAN. FLAG. CAR. WITH AMERICAN FLAG LISENCE PLATE. SO MANY FEELINGS ALL OF THEM GOOD.
Oh they also show the “American Man Eagle.” He looks like this:
And I didn’t even blink. Yup, dude with bare midriff, a feather boa, and a fake eagle head is going, “CAW” and I kind of love every second of it. And then they start singing, and it’s that kind of rock shouting party anthem singing that manages to be more “catchy” than “obnoxious.” It helps that the lyrics are—
“Born free it’s America.
Big stuff, it’s America.
High five! It’s America.
Watch out, it’s America.
I think we’re all turning red, white, and blue.”
That should replace “E Pluribus Unum” on our currency. Again, this is all happening while wonderful images of cars driving through American flags dance before your eyes.
At this point we’re asked, “You guys ready for some America stuff?” Um, of course we fucking are. The list is as follows.
“Hot Dog Cheese Puff Ping Pong with a football put your boots on cuz Oprah’s watching NASCAR. CHUCK NORRIS, FORD TAURUS. Who doesn’t want to see Aerosmith!”
They finish off this doozy by finding the American Man Eagle (who has chosen what I’d best describe as an electronic ankle unicycle as his mode of transportation) on the street, so naturally they are going to chase that fucker down (because we gotta bring that freedom back to town, duh).
They scuffle for a bit, at which point the American Eagle Man starts running down a trail, where he fights back the only way he knows how.
He takes a running jump and leaps at the rapidly-moving American flag car, at which point he is promptly tackled by the Con Bro Chill, who force feed him cheese puffs while saying, “Shhh, shhh,” until the American Eagle Man realizes that they are delicious, and starts cooing contently.
There is no music for this fifteen second segment, and that’s fine. Really, it’s a happy ending. Look at how happy the American Eagle Man is with his newfound American crew.
Anyway, in conclusion and in summation, this is the best video AFFotD has ever made me watch, and I’m so happy I got to share it with you. And if you didn’t like the video, I probably wouldn’t like you if we met in real life. [REDACTED] out!