“This is the BEST SHIRT EVER.”
~Some dude at a Trailer Park
Each area of American society can be recognized by their clothing of choice. Business professionals enjoy the luxury of a tailored suit. Short order cooks and pottery experts like smocks (probably). Hipsters wear whatever the fuck will make you say, “Look at that fucking hipster.” But there is one shirt that gives certain (cough, trailer park) demographics American superpowers.
Any T-shirt involving wolves. Really, they’re all good, you can take your pick.
T-shirts with wolves increase the power of Americans exponentially more for each tooth they have missing. If a man with absolutely no teeth ever put on a three wolves shirt, nothing on Earth could ever stop him. Nothing.
Of course, the three wolves shirt is the most famous example of a T-shirt with wolves on it. It’s so famous that it has its own Wikipedia page, and even then it’s only because people make sarcastic comments about it. But that belittles the very power of an American wearing a shirt with wolves on it.
As we all know, wolves are feral creatures, and are generally inhabited by the souls of executed criminals trying to enact revenge on those who witnessed their heinous crimes. This we all know. Why wearing visages of these terrifying creatures gives Americans power is unknown, but what is known is any non-American who attempts to wear a wolf shirt suddenly will start aging rapidly and die in front of your eyes like when that Nazi drank from the wrong Holy Grail in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
“I regret nothing!”
The wolf shirt was created in America, by Americans, for Americans, and makes every American instantly smell like an empty KFC Chicken bucket.
So remember, Americans. When you see a shirt with wolves on it…but those fuckers up, because holy shit you guys.