Tag Archives: Indiana Jones

5 Super Bowl Halftime Performances That Have Aged Horribly

“Oh thank God, now I can go to the bathroom.”

~Super Bowl viewers during the halftime show

black eyed peas super bowl

Hey!  The Super Bowl is just a few days away!  It’s the one time of the year where you absolutely know, unequivocally, that you’re going to be suffering at work the following Monday, and you know it’ll be absolutely worth it.  Super Bowl Sunday is a day filled with the beer and snacks and a statistically-probably-underwhelming football game, and it’s the closest to a live national spectacle as you can find in this fine nation.  Everyone watches the Super Bowl, everyone has stronger than necessary opinions about the importance or unimportance of Super Bowl commercials, and everyone wishes that the party they were at had 30 bathrooms once the Super Bowl Halftime show begins, because the only person who actually gives a shit about the Super Bowl Halftime show is your friend’s girlfriend that no one in your group of friends really likes, who is really into Katy Perry to the point that it’s kind of uncomfortable.

Otherwise, the Halftime Show is an extremely expensive spectacle that’s just a waste of fucking time.  The phenomenon of people looking for something more interesting to watch during Halftime directly contributed to the existence of both the Puppy Bowl and a women-in-lingerie football league that still exists to this day.  However, the Halftime Show does serve as an interesting indicator of our nation’s culture.  Like, in the mid 00’s we were terrified of breasts on live television, so we went with safe performances by old rockers in their 50s and 60s.  Last year, we were way into uncoordinated sharks, apparently.  There are a lot of memorable Super Bowl Halftime performances.  And there are also the Black Eyed Peas, but we managed to get drunk enough by halftime that year that we blissfully have no memory of it.

What we’re trying to say is that Super Bowl Halftime Shows are very much a product of their times.  Sometimes that can prove to be ageless, like Michael Jackson destroying the Rose Bowl at the peak of his stardom.  And sometimes…well, sometimes you get…

5 Super Bowl Halftime Performances That Have Aged Horribly

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America’s Rating System

“I want to see whatever movie is rated ‘Um holy shit.’”

~America’s movie going audiences


America likes going to see the movies.  Granted, they don’t always like going to see good movies, but movies are still seen nonetheless.  Of course, we don’t want children under the age of 4 seeing dismemberments, and we really like making it hard for thirteen year olds to see large projected breasts, so the MPAA is there to put arbitrary ratings on each movie.

Obviously, each of these ratings represents a different level of American values.  Because some movies like to have vegetables talk to you about Jesus, and are rated accordingly, while other’s like to say “motherfucker” while they explode the shit out of a plane.  That is why we are here with a handy guide to let you know what to expect when you’re watching a film of a certain rating.

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We Even Are Good At Inventing Old Civilizations

“More like Machu…PEE-chew.  Yeah.  Shut up, it’s funny.”

~Hiram Bingham III

Whats the most American academic pursuit?  When that question was posed to our AFFotD staff, we had a bevy of responses.  “Business and greed!” Michael Douglass offered.  “Law, like in my current film, The Lincoln Lawyer,” Matthew McConaughey said before we kicked him out of the offices and asked security what the hell he was doing there.  “Titties!” Johnny Knoxville shouted before stapling a dollar bill to his forehead while we all laughed and nodded approvingly.

The actual answer to this question came as a shock to many.  “Anthropology,” resident helicopter pilot/alien hunter Harrison Ford said from the back of the room.  We all looked back at him, and there’s a distinctive mumble.  “What the hell is that?” someone asks.  “Gayyyyy,” the guy whose job is to say “gayyy” after everything he doesn’t agree with said (we hired him back in 1998… it was a…well, a different time back then).  At that point, Ford took out his hat and whip, and we all went, “ohhhhh, the Indiana Jones profession.  Yeah, good answer, good answer.”  Like it was fucking Family Feud.

It was at this point that we took out a book on a man who was a real life Indiana Jones, or at least the Anthropologist who discovered the shit out of a mysteriously dead civilization.  We won’t even hold it against him that he was born in Hawaii.  That man was Hiram Bingham III.

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Wolves Howling at the Moon Shirts

“This is the BEST SHIRT EVER.”

~Some dude at a Trailer Park

 

Each area of American society can be recognized by their clothing of choice.  Business professionals enjoy the luxury of a tailored suit.  Short order cooks and pottery experts like smocks (probably).  Hipsters wear whatever the fuck will make you say, “Look at that fucking hipster.”  But there is one shirt that gives certain (cough, trailer park) demographics American superpowers.

Any T-shirt involving wolves.  Really, they’re all good, you can take your pick.

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AFFotD Oscars For Deserving American Actors (Part 2)

“How have I NOT won an Oscar?”

~Harrison Ford

As we established in yesterday’s fun fact, the Oscars are not always fair.  Sometimes they can be cruel, political film awards that completely ignore some classic American performances.  That’s why we decided to do something about it, and forcibly steal other actors’ hard earned Oscars and give them to more worthy recipients.  So, here, please see our final two American Oscar Award winners.

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AFFotD Oscars For Deserving American Actors (Part 1)

“And the Oscar goes to…”

~William Shakespeare, probably


In 1929, Hollywood held the first, “Hey guys, aren’t we awesome?” party that eventually went on to be known as the “Academy Awards.”  Ever since that point, the Oscars have become a yearly tradition meant to celebrate brilliant films, powerful performances, and weird dresses.  And while the Academy Awards carry with them a lot of prestige and respect within the film circles, there is one little problem with them.  They are not nearly American enough.

Every  year, there are notable Oscar snubs, but worse than the snubs is fact that, throughout the past 82 years, some of the most quintessential American roles have never been recognized by the Academy.  We at AFFotD are here to fix that.  We’re giving out official Oscars to the four American actors who have been repeatedly screwed over (most of them are on staff) by the Academy, and for good measure we’re going to commit copious amounts of assault and rob the awards from other recipients who are not nearly American enough to deserve the honor.

While this isn’t a black-tie event, tuxes are recommended (it really classes up the part where we mercilessly beat other actors).  We’ll wait for you to change.

That’s better.  And now, to name our post-award recipients of Academy Awards.  America style.

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