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The Worst Gingerbread Flavored Products in America

“Run run run as fast as you can, you can’t catch me because you really don’t care too much, I mean really, I’m not that tasty, compared to other sweets.”

~The Honest Gingerbread Man

gingerbread

We hate to be the bearer of bad news, but summer is over, fall is here, and winter is just around the corner.  We know, we know, it’s a bitter pill to swallow.  But, let’s all take a step back, and think about all the good times, foods, and occasions that fall and winter will afford you.  No, we’re being serious, take a moment and pick your favorite thing about autumn or winter.

Oh, the holiday season, that’s a good one, you over there.

Hmm, bourbon and dark beers, that’s a very solid point, intern whispering in our ear right now.  Now go back to the supply closest and keep on spamming PETA with hate-emails.

Oh, what’s that, distant quiet voice in the back?  Gingerbread gets to come back?  Ugh, fine.  Whatever.  Yes, gingerbread houses and all that shit will be easier to find.  That’s a lame thing to suggest, but not lame enough for us to openly mock you for suggesting it.

Let’s face it, gingerbread is just alright, probably because America didn’t invent it and the most fun you can have with it is putting it into shapes you don’t get to eat until they’ve long since gone stale.  Which is fine—a gingerbread house is a lot of fun, and many precious memories have been made around it, but if we were being honest, a gingerbread house is a great way to have your children or man-child husbands pick at the icing and gumdrops, thinking incorrectly that they’re being sneaky, for a few months until the whole thing turns rock solid and you put it outside for squirrels to eat the shit out of.  That’s pretty much gingerbread’s biggest purpose for American society—it tricks squirrels into thinking we don’t eat anything that tastes better than stale gingerbread, so they by-and-large leave us the hell alone.

Unfortunately, because it’s considered a “seasonal” treat, every goddamn company imaginable decides to release a “limited edition” gingerbread flavored version of their product this time of the year.  Most of them, like gingerbread, are, eh, fine.  But some of them.

Oh, mother of God, some of them.  Are awful.  Terrible.  Sins.

We’re going to tell you about some of them.

The Worst Gingerbread Flavored Products in America

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AFFotD Oscars For Deserving American Actors (Part 1)

“And the Oscar goes to…”

~William Shakespeare, probably


In 1929, Hollywood held the first, “Hey guys, aren’t we awesome?” party that eventually went on to be known as the “Academy Awards.”  Ever since that point, the Oscars have become a yearly tradition meant to celebrate brilliant films, powerful performances, and weird dresses.  And while the Academy Awards carry with them a lot of prestige and respect within the film circles, there is one little problem with them.  They are not nearly American enough.

Every  year, there are notable Oscar snubs, but worse than the snubs is fact that, throughout the past 82 years, some of the most quintessential American roles have never been recognized by the Academy.  We at AFFotD are here to fix that.  We’re giving out official Oscars to the four American actors who have been repeatedly screwed over (most of them are on staff) by the Academy, and for good measure we’re going to commit copious amounts of assault and rob the awards from other recipients who are not nearly American enough to deserve the honor.

While this isn’t a black-tie event, tuxes are recommended (it really classes up the part where we mercilessly beat other actors).  We’ll wait for you to change.

That’s better.  And now, to name our post-award recipients of Academy Awards.  America style.

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