“How have I NOT won an Oscar?”
As we established in yesterday’s fun fact, the Oscars are not always fair. Sometimes they can be cruel, political film awards that completely ignore some classic American performances. That’s why we decided to do something about it, and forcibly steal other actors’ hard earned Oscars and give them to more worthy recipients. So, here, please see our final two American Oscar Award winners.
3. Harrison Ford (Air Force One)
Harrison has been with our offices since the very beginning, at first as the Director of our space-guns and whips department, and now as our Surprisingly Badass Aviation Director. But not many know he was nominated for an Oscar for his role in Witness. Even though it’s been years since we’ve seen it, and most of our staff were teenagers when they saw it the first time, we’re all pretty sure that at least half of his performance was walking in on that one Amish lady while she was giving herself a sponge bath. By the way, here’s an article about selective memory for some completely unrelated reason.
Wait wait wait, there’s a scene where she puts on clothes? Our interest is waning…
Despite the fact that he lost out on that award, staring at Amish boobs does not require that much acting. If you need to observe what a guy’s face will look like when he accidentally walks in on a topless Amish woman, just drive at a deer with your headlights on. Or, for the lady readers out there, take off your top at a High School [Editor’s note: Do Not do this]. It’s not that hard to figure out, guys have similar situations happen to them all the time, if our understanding of the Dear Penthouse readers’ letters are correct.
“The day started like any typical Wednesday…”
But playing the President of the United States? To really pull that off, you need to have your acting chops about you. Especially when you’re the President trying to save Air Force One from Soviet terrorists!
In Air Force One, Harrison Ford was to American badassery what Iowa blondes with daddy issues were to pornography- a total game changer. Ford refused to negotiate with terrorists, enjoyed killing Russians, pulled a Jack Bauer by letting some terrorists waste some hostages, and strangled a dude to death with a parachute. If you don’t think that’s worthy of an Oscar, then we’d have to strangle you to death with a parachute.
Waaaiitt for it…
And the Oscar’s Stolen From…
Roberto Benigni won an Oscar in 1999 for not even speaking English, in a movie where he was surrounded by Nazis and didn’t even have the good decency to kill one of them for us. So Harrison Ford is out there, putting his ass on the line, using fax machines and shooting Commies in the head, but all Benigni can do is “put on a playful façade to help his son survive the holocaust.” Harrison Ford has spent his career creating the most memorable characters in cinema history. Richard Kimble. Han Solo. Indiana Jones. That douchebag drag racer in American Graffiti. Meanwhile, Benigni has spent his entire career being Italian and making obnoxious faces.
Ugh. How do you say “we hate you” in Italian?
So if this guy shares Indiana Jones’ hatred of Nazis, let’s see how he likes snakes. While he’s in the snake pit, we’ll have Ford helicopter in to take his rightful Oscar. Done and done.
4. Sylvester Stallone (Rocky IV)
AFFotD needs an enforcer, and Sly’s HGH smuggling self is just the person to keep our offices in check. But apart from having a weirdly misshapen face, Stallone has given us (and written the scripts for) characters such as Rocky Balboa and John Rambo. And yes, he was nominated for two Oscars back in 1977 for writing and starring in the first Rocky movie, but he lost out to a dead guy who delivered one of the most badass speeches in film history, so we can’t fault the Academy for that one.
But there was one role which he absolutely deserved some recognition. Rocky IV shows a man doing what no man but Reagan could even dream of…punching Communism in the neck to win the Cold War.
We see everything Stallone has to offer as far as acting chops. He’s buying robots. He’s watching a friend die. He’s doing crunches. He’s shouting things on mountains. He’s teaching us the proper way to drink. It’s all there. Give the man his award already!
And the Oscar’s Stolen From…
F. Murray Abraham won his Oscar the year that Rocky IV came out for his work in the film Amadeus, when he wasn’t even the damn title character. That’s bullshit. Give him a supporting actor nomination or something if you think he’s so great. Either way, by this point, most Oscar winners have hired a lot of security, since word about our “Beating up people and stealing their Oscars” spree has started to spread. So we had a Gangs of New York style brawl out in the streets, but we got the award, and then Abraham started running in slow motion with a cape while opera music blared. We thought that was a little weird. Then Sly screamed something utterly incomprehensible in celebration.
We were going to raid a few more Oscars, but since things got so heated, we have to lay low for a little while, find a safe place. But once police levels die down, we’re going to be back out on the streets to get our favorite Americans their much earned awards. Bruce Willis, we’re talking to you. Patience, old friend. Patience.