“Mom, do you want my green stuff?”
~Matt Damon’s Actual First Line of Dialogue in a Film, Ever
Outside of winning the lottery or having a trust fund, success typically is earned through hard work and dedication. You have to start from somewhere. That’s most easily noticeable in the careers of actors, who work their way up to reach stardom and, as a result, tend to have some strange and unusual roles in their early acting days. For as much as gossip magazine try to emphasize “Stars go grocery shopping, JUST LIKE US!” they’re probably better off demonstrating that sentiment by, say, showing Ben Affleck do a Burger King commercial before he got famous. Even the actors who seemingly broke out of nowhere had to put in their dues, and that American quality for hard work is something we support, even when we go out of our way to find the most embarrassing early career film choices of famous people in order to poke fun at them.
So let’s find the most embarrassing early career film choices of famous people in order to make fun of them.
The Most Hilarious Debut Film Appearances of Famous Actors
Okay, now that’s just kicking someone when they’re down.
Posted in Strange America
Tagged Actors, America, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Benicio Del Toro, Film Debuts, Hercules, Hollywood, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Kevin Costner, Liam Neeson, Movies, Patrick Swayze, Pee Wee Herman, Sylvester Stallone
“So you’re telling us that if we want to drink this vodka, we need to rob some banks? Can’t we just drink some Skol instead?”
~AFFotD’s Liquor Review Board
Everyone can appreciate a good bottle of vodka. By that, of course, we mean to say that if you’re spending more than $25 on your vodka, you’re probably being suckered. Vodka’s the most neutral spirit out there, its primary reason for existing is to give us a way to turn most “non-alcoholic drinks” into “mixers.” If you like the taste of orange juice, but don’t like the sobriety it causes you? Vodka that fucker up. Have yourself a 60 oz. cup of one of those Mountain Dew flavors that’s blue and only available through Taco Bell? Boom, add some vodka and suddenly that haphazardly folded together 1 lb. bean and potato burrito is the most delicious thing you’ve ever eaten. Did you randomly find a glass filled with some unrecognizable liquid on the street corner? Vodka would probably make it safe to drink. Maybe? Right?
And while most Americans find themselves unwilling to shell out for any vodka fancier than, say, Chopin, some people find themselves choose to spend excessive amounts of money on a flavorless spirit just so they can tell themselves that they’re important and relevant, no matter how many times their mistresses make fun of their distressingly small genitalia. And for these Ferrari SUV driving individuals, we present…
The Most Expensive Vodkas in the World
Posted in Vodka
Tagged America, Billionaire Vodka, Diva, Royal Dragon Vodka, Russo-Baltique, Smirnoff, Stoli Elit, Sylvester Stallone, Vallure, vodka, World's Most Expensive Vodkas
“How have I NOT won an Oscar?”
As we established in yesterday’s fun fact, the Oscars are not always fair. Sometimes they can be cruel, political film awards that completely ignore some classic American performances. That’s why we decided to do something about it, and forcibly steal other actors’ hard earned Oscars and give them to more worthy recipients. So, here, please see our final two American Oscar Award winners.
Posted in The Best of the Rest
Tagged Academy Awards, Air Force One, Amadeus, America, American Graffiti, Bruce Willis, F. Murray Abraham, Gangs of New York, Han Solo, Harrison Ford, Indiana Jones, Jack Bauer, Life is Beautiful, Network, Oscars, Peter Finch, Richard Kimble, Roberto Benigni, Rocky, Rocky IV, Sylvester Stallone, Witness