Tag Archives: Bruce Willis

AFFotD Oscars For Deserving American Actors (Part 2)

“How have I NOT won an Oscar?”

~Harrison Ford

As we established in yesterday’s fun fact, the Oscars are not always fair.  Sometimes they can be cruel, political film awards that completely ignore some classic American performances.  That’s why we decided to do something about it, and forcibly steal other actors’ hard earned Oscars and give them to more worthy recipients.  So, here, please see our final two American Oscar Award winners.

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America’s Dumbest Lawsuits

“Listen here, if you say one more bad thing about us, we will sue your ass to the stone age.”

~France, in a letter to AFFotD

 

When we first set up the America Fun Fact of the Day offices, we installed a bell in our mail room.  The joke was supposed to be that every time we got a Cease and Desist order, or a letter threatening to sue us, we would ring the bell and everyone would cheer and applaud.  We thought it would just be the few occasional nutjobs accusing us of sending messages through microwaves into their heads.  Which, granted, we’re totally doing, but we’re pretty sure there’s nothing illegal about it, and it’s American enough that the government totally tested the shit out of that stuff back during the Cold War.  But, as it turns out, we say some fairly “controversial” shit, and “piss off a lot of people who have attorneys on retainer.”

Needless to say, that bell developed a Liberty-Bell-like crack in it after our third day of operations.  Now we just have a buzzer, and it goes off like, fifteen times a day.  It’s the reason why we had to hire a lawyer to the AFFotD ranks, a particularly odious task, since it is next to impossible to find a lawyer who is American enough to qualify for AFFotD staff membership.  We begrudgingly settled on Ray Beckerman, who spends most of his time trying to stop the RIAA from suing hardworking Americans from downloading music, which is the most American way to listen to music (well, other than blowing into a half empty whisky jug).  He’s used his expertise to help keep AFFotD running, through a combination of savvy settlements, timely court decisions, and a few instances of having Christopher Walken go to the plaintiffs and say creepy, threatening things to them.

“You should.  drop.  this……………suit”

And in the course of our occasionally “immoral” legal dealings, we have come to a realization about the legal system.  Frivolous Lawsuits are one of the more American things we can think of.  On one hand, you have the Americans trying to cheat the system to get money they don’t deserve.  We can appreciate that.  And as the recipient of numerous frivolous lawsuits, we can just insult the hell out of these pieces of shit.  See?  It lets us look down on our fellow man.  How much more American can you get?

So, in the spirit of America, and as an excuse to just eviscerate some assholes as a way to vent about our continuous legal woes, today’s fun fact is…

The Most American Frivolous Lawsuit by Asshole UnAmerican Americans.

 

All the below cases are real.

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How to Handle a Hostage Situation

“Where the hell am I?  Why am I tied up?  Why does it smell like baby powder?  WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE BABY POWDER!?”

~Bruce Willis, Security officer of AFFotD, yesterday


 

Ladies and gentlemen, to quote Gandhi, shit just got real.  At AFFotD, we have on occasion offended groups that we perceived to “have a sense of humor” or “not really matter because Serbians don’t really count as people.”  And while we take our fair share of blame (for example, while our Elizabeth Smart jokes were pretty good digs on Mormonism, the route we took was pretty offensive to women and people with any hint of a sense of shame) we also think that everyone is sort of overreacting to this shit.  Not to pull the “they’re asking for it” card, but…come on guys.  This is America, we’re going to make fun of people who are not American enough to meet our strict standards of Americanness.  All we’re saying is, if Spaniards don’t want to be called lazy, they shouldn’t have all their stores close for two hours in the afternoon so everyone can have a nap.  It’s called an economy, not preschool, assholes.  But yet, there are a bunch of Spanish people outside our offices with picket signs that look very threatening.  As Americans we can’t understand the Spanish because, seriously guys?  Learn English.  But the signs are written in red and they have upside down exclamation points, which we’re guessing is a reference to lynching.

As is the America Fun Fact of the Day custom, we sent out a few interns to see what would happen, and sure enough they were torn apart faster than that horse in the pilot episode of “The Walking Dead.”  The protesters dug into them like David Hasselhoff digs into a Wendy’s hamburger- it was messy, there was partial nudity, and alcohol had to be involved.  We tried to get the cops involved but they said they couldn’t charge them with anything because publically murdering interns in a parking lot only warrants a 100 dollar littering ticket.  Which really pissed us off because we should have remembered that from last year’s Christmas party.

So yes, we’ve pissed off a few people.  Though I have no idea why there are so many Ukrainian people out there.  Sure, we mentioned Chernobyl the other day, but we really don’t know why they reacted the way they did.  (Ha, reacted.  Reactor.  Kaboom.)

To make a long story short, we got kidnapped by a shitton of Ukrainians today, which is why we’re not tackling any hard-hitting topic like Blizzards or Steak .  It was hard to tell how many there were, since they were all wearing masks (not like it would matter since all Ukrainians look the same anyway, amiright!?) but they got in through the air ducts.  They shot security officer Bruce Willis with a tranquilizer dart while he was taking part in our weekly “office man-versus-bear fight” just to limit the amount of potential rouge staffers going around and picking off their crew one by one while barefoot.  When the bear saw Willis go down, it was so surprised that it jumped out of the window, assuming it was supposed to die in the fight.  But that’s beside the point.

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The Cure For a Night at a Vegan Restaurant

“…is…is this a trick?”

~REDACTED

Last week, we sent an Undercover Investigative journalist into the most evil place we could imagine- a Vegan restaurant.  We redacted the staff member’s name, because we knew that consuming Vegan food would leave an irreparable mark on his permanent record.  But what we saw…it, well it haunted us.  We saw a man reduced to rubble, not even afforded the decency of being allowed to chug a glass of bacon grease after his tofu crab cakes.  He was given bowls full of warmed, liquid vegetables, normally only reserved for prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Our senior staff members watched the hidden camera footage of poor REDACTED as he suffered through a five course meal of nothing but vegetables, tofu, and succubi.  It was painful to watch.  “Oh God, he’s losing his mind out there,” Harrison Ford, our aviation editor, sighed.

“He’s eating it!  Oh God, HE’S EATING IT!” Bruce Willis, our Barefoot Security Chief, began screaming.

“He’s going down in flames!” JFK III, the unknown-to-the-public grandson of JFK, exclaimed (it might sound like he was being insensitive, but man, you should hear how many airplane jokes the kid makes, it’s a bit fucked up).

“What have we done?  What have we become?” Johnny Roosevelt asked, bowing his head sadly.  We thought that REDACTED was done for.  He was drooling on himself, he started weeping for minutes at a time, he didn’t even crack a smile when he started slapping the waiter while screaming, “YOUR NAME IS BRIAN!  SAY IT!  FUCKING SAY IT!”

Vegans dress ridiculously.

We thought we might have lost him, and would have to chisel his name on our wall of fallen staff members, along such illustrious names as Hunter S. Thompson and Interns #1 through 354 (Interns are sort of the Spinal Tap drummers of our operation).  But there was a minor miracle, as REDACTED ran for freedom, fighting every vegetable-laden impulse telling his body to just give up, and he found the Mecca that is White Castle.  After a dozen sliders, our medical staff was on the scene, pumping him full of liquefied beef and various animal souls.  It was touch and go for a while, but REDACTED made it through.  When he recovered, we decided, one week after they day of his darkest hour, to give him a token of our appreciation.  Because we at AFFotD take care of our own.

So here, we present, REDACTED‘s night of American redemption.

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