Tag Archives: JFK III

America Fun Fact of the Day 3/6- March 6th in American History

“Jesus guys, can’t you come up with a topic that’s a little more specific?”

 

~JFK III, Official AFFotD Dauphin


 

While having our weekly lunch of jumbo hot dogs, pint glasses of bourbon, and a scientifically worked out ratio of callgirls and callboys (AFFotD is an equal opportunity employer), we all sat back in our den of glutton debauchery (other offices may crudely refer to it as a “lunch room.”  Or a “sex dungeon,” depending on where you work and how good your Union is) to reflect on today as a glorious day in America.  And even though roughly three states (including Hawaii) are getting direct sunlight at the moment, and March continues its bland tradition of being the “Billy Baldwin of the Calendar months,” we were still able to intake glorious amounts of calories while burning them off immediately after in a whole slew of morally questionable activities.  Oh, we forgot to mention that the hot dogs that we ate were stolen, and the bourbon distilled in our offices was made in a 1920’s prohibition era sill.  Seriously, the whole place smells like grase, ethanol, cereal, and latex.  It’s glorious.

We couldn’t quite put our finger on what was drawing us to this day, March 6th, and being particularly important in American history.  So, we took our historical staff out of their tequila-filled-baths and sent them to let us know what was American about today.  Here was their list.

Today’s American History of America in America (American Edition)

1810- Illinois passes the first vaccination legislation in the history of America.  A Crazy Chinese Double Agent Health Ranger, Mike Adams, would tell you that this was the beginning of the government’s plan to poison us or brainwash us or something?  Normal people would say that it was the beginning of less kids having to die due to preventable illnesses.  Six in one hand, half a dozen in the other.

1836–  175 years ago today, the Alamo finally fell to Mexican forces after a 13 day siege.  Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie, and many other notable badasses perished, but not before taking out a shitload of the enemy with them.  Years later, this sacrifice would serve as the inspiration for the ending scene of Armageddon.

1899- Aspirin is discovered, allowing millions of Americans to confuse “minor joint pain” with “heart attacks,” making Bayer executives have to announce, frustratedly, “It treats both!  It’s magic, okay you guys?”  Mike Adams probably thinks aspirin is a tracking beacon or some shit.

1922- Babe Ruth signs a 3-year contract with the New York Yankees with the New York Yankees for $52,000.  This being the 1920s, that was enough money to buy over one million steak and kidney pies, this being a form of currency during the Great Depression.

1967- Svetlana Alliluyeva, daughter of Joseph Stalin, defects to America from the U.S.S.R., because Fuck Russia.

2011–  America Fun Fact of the Day staff decides to post short, easily googleable information for its fun fact, resulting in mass protests across the globe.

Advertisements

The Cure For a Night at a Vegan Restaurant

“…is…is this a trick?”

~REDACTED

Last week, we sent an Undercover Investigative journalist into the most evil place we could imagine- a Vegan restaurant.  We redacted the staff member’s name, because we knew that consuming Vegan food would leave an irreparable mark on his permanent record.  But what we saw…it, well it haunted us.  We saw a man reduced to rubble, not even afforded the decency of being allowed to chug a glass of bacon grease after his tofu crab cakes.  He was given bowls full of warmed, liquid vegetables, normally only reserved for prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Our senior staff members watched the hidden camera footage of poor REDACTED as he suffered through a five course meal of nothing but vegetables, tofu, and succubi.  It was painful to watch.  “Oh God, he’s losing his mind out there,” Harrison Ford, our aviation editor, sighed.

“He’s eating it!  Oh God, HE’S EATING IT!” Bruce Willis, our Barefoot Security Chief, began screaming.

“He’s going down in flames!” JFK III, the unknown-to-the-public grandson of JFK, exclaimed (it might sound like he was being insensitive, but man, you should hear how many airplane jokes the kid makes, it’s a bit fucked up).

“What have we done?  What have we become?” Johnny Roosevelt asked, bowing his head sadly.  We thought that REDACTED was done for.  He was drooling on himself, he started weeping for minutes at a time, he didn’t even crack a smile when he started slapping the waiter while screaming, “YOUR NAME IS BRIAN!  SAY IT!  FUCKING SAY IT!”

Vegans dress ridiculously.

We thought we might have lost him, and would have to chisel his name on our wall of fallen staff members, along such illustrious names as Hunter S. Thompson and Interns #1 through 354 (Interns are sort of the Spinal Tap drummers of our operation).  But there was a minor miracle, as REDACTED ran for freedom, fighting every vegetable-laden impulse telling his body to just give up, and he found the Mecca that is White Castle.  After a dozen sliders, our medical staff was on the scene, pumping him full of liquefied beef and various animal souls.  It was touch and go for a while, but REDACTED made it through.  When he recovered, we decided, one week after they day of his darkest hour, to give him a token of our appreciation.  Because we at AFFotD take care of our own.

So here, we present, REDACTED‘s night of American redemption.

Continue reading