Tag Archives: JFK

Re-Awarding the Academy Award for Best Picture (1990-1994)

“You son of a bitch you can’t just give my Oscar to Die Hard and move on with your weird list thing like nothing even happened.”

~Mark Johnson, the Producer of Rain Man

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It’s been a long road on this misguided journey. Since last week, we’ve been going through all the winners of the Academy Award for Best Picture, starting from the year 1970 (the year the award was held, mind you. All the movies came out the previous year) and have redistributed those prizes with the knowledge we have today, as well as a lot of subjectivity that has been driving our readers insane. We’ve listed the winners, listed the nominees, and then told you what film released that year deserved to win. The 1970s were pretty clean, with 5 Oscars staying with their original winner, and five going to other films that were nominated, but the 1980s saw things take a messy turn. Sure, a few movies, like Platoon and Amadeus kept their statues, but a lot of worlds were turned upside, especially in 1988 where we gave the damn thing to the Princess Bride. Oh, and if you’re expecting us to try to explain giving an Oscar to Die Hard, just watch this clip and tell us we’re wrong.

…Shut up, you’re wrong.

Anyway, there’s no stopping us now. Look below for our redistribution of the all the Oscars of the first half of the 1990s. Here’s hoping that the Academy nominated more movies we’ve heard of this decade.

Re-Awarding the Academy Award for Best Picture (1990-1994)

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Every Air Force One in American History

“Get off my plane.”

~Indiana Jones

air force one

Outside of children who are big fans of those Planes movies, nowhere in American society is a single aircraft more iconic than Air Force One.  When we fly our President around, we fly him in style, in a cutting-edge jet that can survive a direct blast from a nuclear bomb and is exclusively piloted by Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger.  Okay, neither of those things are true, but Air Force One is so mythic that a decent handful of you absolutely took us for our word there.

Air Force One is an American icon, both over and underappreciated at the same time.  So we decided to take a moment to sit you down (you are sitting, right?) and tell you about the history of our President’s super expensive charter jet.  And since we’re feeling generous, we’ll just let you know about every Air Force One plane that has ever existed, partly because we like to be as thorough as we can when it comes to discussing presidential aircraft, but mainly because we want as many excuses to post scenes from the movie Air Force One on our site.

Every Air Force One in American History

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The Latest And The Greatest From The Mountain and Big Face Animal Shirts

“If you DON’T own the ‘Three Wolves Howling At The Moon’ shirt, you’re an awful person and I hate you.”

~Gandhi

 wolf shirt

The staffers of AFFotD have a soft spot in their heart for The Mountain, the geniuses behind the Big Face Animal shirts who still haven’t taken us up on our offer to graciously accept any free products they’d be willing to send our way, but that’s neither here nor there.  The Mountain is staffed by dedicated workers who, we assume, are a lot like us here in the America Fun Fact of the Day offices.  We imagine that they, like us, spend their weekdays recovering from the temporary blindness that inevitably occurs after swigging moonshine from a poorly maintained sill, whispering into the void “what now?” as the void whispers back “you need a T-shirt of a Gorilla in a spacesuit giving you a thumbs up.”  The void is wise.

The Mountain has perfected the art of T-shirts that are stylish, comfortable, and work surprisingly well as a makeshift pot handler in a mobile meth lab, but that doesn’t mean they’re content to rest on their laurels watching stacks of dollar dollar bills flood their P.O. boxes.  No, they are constantly striving to make new and exciting shirts because goddamn it, someone out there wants to wear a giant house fly face on their chest, and if The Mountain isn’t going to oblige them, who the fuck will?

So every now and then we like to bring up The Mountain catalog and list some shirts you need to be buying at this very moment.  It’s partially a public service announcement, partially a play to get free shit from The Mountain, and somehow the free publicity we offer actually counts towards our community service hours for some reason.  America!

The Latest And The Greatest From The Mountain and Big Face Animal Shirts

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Heroes in Action Toys Presents: Presidential Monsters

“I want all of these.  No, I want MORE than all of these.”

~You

presidential monsters

Ingenuity often comes from the most obvious places.  People have liked meth, wolves, and oversized T-shirts for years, but it wasn’t until someone sat down and said, “Hey, let’s put three wolves on a KFC-stained T-shirt” that we collectively said, “Oh, of course” and bought a million shirts from The Mountain.  We didn’t know that chocolate could be put into peanut butter, and vice versa, without a combination of divine intervention and mercy killings.  So when we were told that Heroes in Action Toys made action figures of American presidents, we weren’t particularly impressed…until they clarified that the presidents were also monsters.

And we immediately wanted to buy all of them.

Yes, it seems so simple in retrospect, but it took a true genius to come up with monster versions of each American president, and it would be a disservice if we didn’t take you through each and every item on the catalog to show you how incredibly American this idea is.  You’re welcome.

Heroes in Action Toys Presents:  Presidential Monsters

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America’s Heroes Battling Monsters

“I need to buy all of these.  Every.  Single.  One.”

~You

Art is okay, we guess.  It’s one of the classiest ways to see boobs, and if you have a friend that’s deciding to not make money by painting shit for a living, you at least can go to their gallery openings for an evening of free wine and sub-par cheese spreads.  And there are plenty of Americans who have added very iconic and significant contributions to the artistic and pop culture world, like that one guy who designed the label for Campbell’s soup.

But if there are kinds of art that we don’t particularly care for (looking at you, 25 foot black canvas with a single silver dot on it), there’s one that we can never get enough of.  And that would be images of American presidents and historical figures doing badass things in impossible contexts.  We’ve shown some of these images on our site before, but now it’s time we give proper due, thanks to the gentle prodding from Bro Bible, to American digital artist Jason Heuser.  Because any man that can depict Ben Franklin with Wolverine claws fighting Zeus deserves our money.

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Chewing Gum, Surprisingly American, Reliably Delicious

“Chewing gum is a lot like heroin, since both are incredibly enjoyable.”

~William S. Burroughs


 Chewing gum is an enigmatic American invention.  While it combines ancient history, American ingenuity, and tooth decay, it is not considered to be as awesomely American as alligator wrestling or cage matches (or any combination of the two).  But, in reality, chewing gum is an underappreciated yet surprisingly American commodity.

First, ask yourself a question.  Who makes chewing gum?  Wrigley’s of course.  And where do the Chicago Cubs, America’s most American loveable losers play?  Wrigley Field.

Did you know:  Those two are named after the same fucking guy.

Once you pick up the pieces of your exploded cranium, the America Fun Fact of the Day presents to you…

Chewing Gum:  More American than your immigrant grandparents

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Babe Ruth Drinks and Smokes His Way Into the Record Books

“It’s simple kids, if you drink and smoke and eat and screw as much as me?  Well, kiddos, someday you’ll be just as good at sports!”

~Babe Ruth


There’s something about baseball that resonates with America.  Maybe it’s memories of sitting at the ballpark, drinking a beer while scarfing down eight hot dogs after forging a sick note for your third grade teacher.  Maybe it’s memories of suspenseful chess matches between evenly matched teams, the thrill of finding your team in the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs and the bases loaded.  Maybe it’s your appreciation for the nuances of the “balk” rule.  It isn’t that last one.

But more importantly, the players that the sport grew up around were America incarnate.  Baseball was a sport where a you could take a man with the name “Mordecai,” chop off two of his fingers, and have him pitch for the Chicago Cubs, and not only would he thrive, he would win two world series and be a hall of famer despite looking like he should work behind the counter at a convenience store in the south.

This is the face of a man who has struck out 1,375 professional sports players.

But really, many of baseball’s greats helped express what was truly American about us.  Ted Williams was a patriotic war veteran whose interests included batting .400 and having his head cryogenically frozen.  Like America.  Rumor has it that Joe DiMaggio married the hottest woman in the world at the time primarily so he could say that he was “Dick cousins” with JFK.  Like every American would.  Ty Cobb was a horrible racist who once beat up a cripple.  Uh, forget that we mentioned that last one.

But what ballplayer was more patriotic than both a deformed Indiana pitcher and a Georgian bigot combined?  How about an overeating, alcoholic fat man with a sex problem and a tobacco addiction.  No, we’re not talking about the gay love child of Uncle Sam and George Washington, we are of course talking about…

Babe “you’re next, sweetheart” Ruth.

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The Cure For a Night at a Vegan Restaurant

“…is…is this a trick?”

~REDACTED

Last week, we sent an Undercover Investigative journalist into the most evil place we could imagine- a Vegan restaurant.  We redacted the staff member’s name, because we knew that consuming Vegan food would leave an irreparable mark on his permanent record.  But what we saw…it, well it haunted us.  We saw a man reduced to rubble, not even afforded the decency of being allowed to chug a glass of bacon grease after his tofu crab cakes.  He was given bowls full of warmed, liquid vegetables, normally only reserved for prisoners at Guantanamo Bay.

Our senior staff members watched the hidden camera footage of poor REDACTED as he suffered through a five course meal of nothing but vegetables, tofu, and succubi.  It was painful to watch.  “Oh God, he’s losing his mind out there,” Harrison Ford, our aviation editor, sighed.

“He’s eating it!  Oh God, HE’S EATING IT!” Bruce Willis, our Barefoot Security Chief, began screaming.

“He’s going down in flames!” JFK III, the unknown-to-the-public grandson of JFK, exclaimed (it might sound like he was being insensitive, but man, you should hear how many airplane jokes the kid makes, it’s a bit fucked up).

“What have we done?  What have we become?” Johnny Roosevelt asked, bowing his head sadly.  We thought that REDACTED was done for.  He was drooling on himself, he started weeping for minutes at a time, he didn’t even crack a smile when he started slapping the waiter while screaming, “YOUR NAME IS BRIAN!  SAY IT!  FUCKING SAY IT!”

Vegans dress ridiculously.

We thought we might have lost him, and would have to chisel his name on our wall of fallen staff members, along such illustrious names as Hunter S. Thompson and Interns #1 through 354 (Interns are sort of the Spinal Tap drummers of our operation).  But there was a minor miracle, as REDACTED ran for freedom, fighting every vegetable-laden impulse telling his body to just give up, and he found the Mecca that is White Castle.  After a dozen sliders, our medical staff was on the scene, pumping him full of liquefied beef and various animal souls.  It was touch and go for a while, but REDACTED made it through.  When he recovered, we decided, one week after they day of his darkest hour, to give him a token of our appreciation.  Because we at AFFotD take care of our own.

So here, we present, REDACTED‘s night of American redemption.

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John Wayne’s Pretty Darn American, Pard’ner

“Well listen here, pardner, she was just a stripper, she had no family, she can just disappear…”

~John “Marion” Wayne

In the classic song, “A Boy Named Sue,” Johnny Cash tells the story about a boy who had been given the unfortunate first name of “Sue” by a deadbeat father who he had never met.  Throughout the course of this epic piece of American music, Cash describes how the boy named Sue was forced to fight his way through school, due to the ridicule he received for his name, until he grew up to be a hardened man who could take on anyone.  Little did Johnny Cash know, but he was actually describing the story of another famous American who was born with a girl’s name.

That man would be Marion Mitchell Morrison, a.k.a. John Wayne.

This is the look of a man who has had sex with women he shares the same name with

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Wherein AFFotD Decries the Slanderous Insinuations of American Prominence Perpetrated by the Fiendish Fortune Magazine: A Rebuttal of Fortune Magazine’s 100 Great Things About America List

“Are you shitting me, Fortune Magazine?  Hey, guys, from now on we’re using this fucking list as toilet paper.”

~Johnny Roosevelt, Editor-in-Chief of AFFotD

Believe it or not, despite the existence of the America Fun Fact of the Day, there are other publications that make it a hobby to try to tell us, Americans, what constitutes being American.  Now, we have to ask you, do High School Basketball coaches go to Michael Jordan to give him pointers?  Fuck no, Jordan would use his cigar to scald their retinas.  Does the editor of a grade school newspaper tell Ernest Hemingway how to write?  The one time that happened, the kid went missing and was never seen again.  But yet, we have assholes like Fortune fucking magazine trying to post a “Independence Day 2010” article about “The Top 100 Great Things About America.”  They’d be better off getting a slug to write an exposé about taking a salt bath.  Our researchers stumbled across this little gem and immediately were stricken with a hate boner.  It’s like rigor mortis for when you see dreams die.  This article so offends us we can’t even think coherently!   Fuuuuuuuuuck!

THIS is the LEAD PHOTO for the whole damn article.  A clown desecrating the American flag by blowing out of a FUCKING VUVUZELA!  THAT GET SHIT OUT OF OUR HOUSE!

So let’s look at the highlights of their “list.”  And may God have mercy on their souls.

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