“The link between sugar and cavities have never been truly confirmed. I say, let your dentist worry about it.”
~Milton S. Hershey
One of the least controversial statements an American can make is, “Carnivals are fucking awesome.” Be it a state fair, a traveling amusement park, or a Cruise line where many passengers get gastronomical illnesses, carnivals encompass everything American, from the games of chance meant to scam hardworking marks to the impressively unhealthy food inventions that they spawn.
Carnival food in particular has become a bit of a cultural phenomenon in recent years, coinciding with the increasingly “Foodie” culture that many white people Americans have embraced. After the breakdown of the “health food” movement, Americans correctly realized that they had wasted a good portion of the late 90’s eating things like “soy beans” and “wheatgrass” and other strange foods that come in unnatural colors like “green” and “brown.” So Americans everywhere flocked to carnivals to revel in what carnivals do best: shortsighted innovation!
“So how about we take sugar, add some food coloring, spin it until it’s fluffy, and then stuff it in a bag a small child’s head can and will fit in?”
As Americans, it’s our duty to go out of our way to find food that will wage war against our small intestines. And Carnivals, state fairs, and outdoor festivals give Americans the best opportunity to ingest their yearly calorie intake in just a few minutes. And goddamn it if that doesn’t sound American as hell to us. Here are the most American foods you’ll every pay a Carnie to put in your mouth.
Posted in Fried Foods
Tagged America, Bacon Cheeseburger, butter, Butter Sculptures, Carnival, Carnival Food, Cheese, Cotton Candy, Deep fried pizza, Donky Tails, Donuts, Foodie culture, Fried Olives, Fried Oreos, Hot Dog, Jim Henson, Kool-aid, Kool-aid pickles, Marilyn Monroe, Meatball, Milton Hershey, Saturday Night Live, SNL, Spaghetti, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Tortilla, Urban Dictionary
“It’s simple kids, if you drink and smoke and eat and screw as much as me? Well, kiddos, someday you’ll be just as good at sports!”
There’s something about baseball that resonates with America. Maybe it’s memories of sitting at the ballpark, drinking a beer while scarfing down eight hot dogs after forging a sick note for your third grade teacher. Maybe it’s memories of suspenseful chess matches between evenly matched teams, the thrill of finding your team in the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs and the bases loaded. Maybe it’s your appreciation for the nuances of the “balk” rule. It isn’t that last one.
But more importantly, the players that the sport grew up around were America incarnate. Baseball was a sport where a you could take a man with the name “Mordecai,” chop off two of his fingers, and have him pitch for the Chicago Cubs, and not only would he thrive, he would win two world series and be a hall of famer despite looking like he should work behind the counter at a convenience store in the south.
This is the face of a man who has struck out 1,375 professional sports players.
But really, many of baseball’s greats helped express what was truly American about us. Ted Williams was a patriotic war veteran whose interests included batting .400 and having his head cryogenically frozen. Like America. Rumor has it that Joe DiMaggio married the hottest woman in the world at the time primarily so he could say that he was “Dick cousins” with JFK. Like every American would. Ty Cobb was a horrible racist who once beat up a cripple. Uh, forget that we mentioned that last one.
But what ballplayer was more patriotic than both a deformed Indiana pitcher and a Georgian bigot combined? How about an overeating, alcoholic fat man with a sex problem and a tobacco addiction. No, we’re not talking about the gay love child of Uncle Sam and George Washington, we are of course talking about…
Babe “you’re next, sweetheart” Ruth.
Posted in Athletes
Tagged Alcohol, America, Babe Ruth, Baseball, Cigars, JFK, Joe DiMaggio, John F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Mordecai Brown, Tim Lincecum, Ty Cobb
“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask…hey, who’s the blonde?”
~John F. Kennedy
It is a sad but simple truth that not all of our American heroes live a full life. Some are fixed in the cosmos, shining beacons of glory, while others pass through like a shooting star, all-too-brief, but spectacular for its short time among us. And sometimes, a shooting star will see another shooting star and bone it.
John F. Kennedy was one of those sex craved shooting stars.