“I can’t even think straight I just want to eat Turkey.”
~AFFotd Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
Look at that little spot on the map. the 24th. Turkey day. Goddamn it we’re so excited. Do you know we have someone on staff whose only job is to kill turkeys the week of Thanksgiving? We only need like, 5 of them to feed the office. And we pay him $40,000 to do that. And that’s after he’s explicitly told us he’d do it for free. We didn’t care. We wanted to pay him to kill birds for a week. That’s our right, goddamn it. It’s our right.
Anyway, here’s what happened today in the past.
Today in American History (America Version)
“With the power of…DAIRY!”
~Cheeseman, a short lived American superhero
Fair warning, this America Fun Fact of the Day will not be about Cheeseman. We know, you’re all a little saddened by that revelation, but we decided to rip the band-aid off cleanly, and right away. Shh, shh, it’s okay. It’s okay. Drink to forget. Drink to forget.
But that doesn’t mean we’re not going to talk about cheese. Not an American history of cheese, because holy shit that’s a good idea but we’re way too hungover for that, but we are going to talk about a little place we have mentioned before in passing, a venue that is all beer, cheese, and absurd Midwestern ideals of grandeur.
We’re talking about…the Mars Cheese Castle, in Kenosha, Wisconsin.
“It, um, well it is…pretty nice.”
~President Barack Obama
While we in the America Fun Fact of the Day offices prefer to talk about historical American buildings that look like genitalia, there are certain buildings that define America, even if they don’t like anything funny. Well, granted, the Capital building sort of looks like a boob if you squint at it…
…but one of the most iconic buildings in America is, and always will be, The White House, the home of America’s president, and likely the origin of the term, “Papa gets swag.”
Posted in The Other Guys
Tagged America, Barack Obama, First Kid, James Hoban, John F. Kennedy, President, Richie Rich, Sinbad, Thomas Jefferson, War of 1812, White House
“It’s simple kids, if you drink and smoke and eat and screw as much as me? Well, kiddos, someday you’ll be just as good at sports!”
There’s something about baseball that resonates with America. Maybe it’s memories of sitting at the ballpark, drinking a beer while scarfing down eight hot dogs after forging a sick note for your third grade teacher. Maybe it’s memories of suspenseful chess matches between evenly matched teams, the thrill of finding your team in the bottom of the 9th inning with two outs and the bases loaded. Maybe it’s your appreciation for the nuances of the “balk” rule. It isn’t that last one.
But more importantly, the players that the sport grew up around were America incarnate. Baseball was a sport where a you could take a man with the name “Mordecai,” chop off two of his fingers, and have him pitch for the Chicago Cubs, and not only would he thrive, he would win two world series and be a hall of famer despite looking like he should work behind the counter at a convenience store in the south.
This is the face of a man who has struck out 1,375 professional sports players.
But really, many of baseball’s greats helped express what was truly American about us. Ted Williams was a patriotic war veteran whose interests included batting .400 and having his head cryogenically frozen. Like America. Rumor has it that Joe DiMaggio married the hottest woman in the world at the time primarily so he could say that he was “Dick cousins” with JFK. Like every American would. Ty Cobb was a horrible racist who once beat up a cripple. Uh, forget that we mentioned that last one.
But what ballplayer was more patriotic than both a deformed Indiana pitcher and a Georgian bigot combined? How about an overeating, alcoholic fat man with a sex problem and a tobacco addiction. No, we’re not talking about the gay love child of Uncle Sam and George Washington, we are of course talking about…
Babe “you’re next, sweetheart” Ruth.
Posted in Athletes
Tagged Alcohol, America, Babe Ruth, Baseball, Cigars, JFK, Joe DiMaggio, John F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Mordecai Brown, Tim Lincecum, Ty Cobb
“Well listen here, pardner, she was just a stripper, she had no family, she can just disappear…”
~John “Marion” Wayne
In the classic song, “A Boy Named Sue,” Johnny Cash tells the story about a boy who had been given the unfortunate first name of “Sue” by a deadbeat father who he had never met. Throughout the course of this epic piece of American music, Cash describes how the boy named Sue was forced to fight his way through school, due to the ridicule he received for his name, until he grew up to be a hardened man who could take on anyone. Little did Johnny Cash know, but he was actually describing the story of another famous American who was born with a girl’s name.
That man would be Marion Mitchell Morrison, a.k.a. John Wayne.
This is the look of a man who has had sex with women he shares the same name with
Posted in The Best of the Rest
Tagged America, George Washington Carver, JFK, John F. Kennedy, John Wayne, Johnny Cash, Mad Anthony Wayne, Playboy, Richard Nixon, Stagecoach, Winterset Iowa, World War II
“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask…hey, who’s the blonde?”
~John F. Kennedy
It is a sad but simple truth that not all of our American heroes live a full life. Some are fixed in the cosmos, shining beacons of glory, while others pass through like a shooting star, all-too-brief, but spectacular for its short time among us. And sometimes, a shooting star will see another shooting star and bone it.
John F. Kennedy was one of those sex craved shooting stars.