“With the power of…DAIRY!”
~Cheeseman, a short lived American superhero
Fair warning, this America Fun Fact of the Day will not be about Cheeseman. We know, you’re all a little saddened by that revelation, but we decided to rip the band-aid off cleanly, and right away. Shh, shh, it’s okay. It’s okay. Drink to forget. Drink to forget.
But that doesn’t mean we’re not going to talk about cheese. Not an American history of cheese, because holy shit that’s a good idea but we’re way too hungover for that, but we are going to talk about a little place we have mentioned before in passing, a venue that is all beer, cheese, and absurd Midwestern ideals of grandeur.
We’re talking about…the Mars Cheese Castle, in Kenosha, Wisconsin.
“My life was basically a Steven Segal film.”
~Buford Pusser’s Ghost
There is a science to naming your child that most responsible (read as: not currently addicted to Meth) parents have to utilize when they welcome a new American to their family. Kids can be, and how do we put this delicately…massive doucheholes, so you want to avoid giving your child a name that can easily be turned into an effectively derisive taunt. For example, John Harden is a perfectly sensible name to have. But if you name you child Richard Harden, you better not give him the nickname of “Dick.”
“Tee hee why not name him Hard Cock and get it over with?”
However, every once in a while, giving your child an incredibly-easy-to-make-fun-of name is a way to ensure he grows to be an unmitigated American badass. We call this the Boy Named Sue Property, which seems pretty for a man with such a ridiculous name as Buford Pusser, since here’s a picture of him with Johnny Cash.
That’s right, Buford Pusser, which sounds more like an insulting slur than a full name, is a man so badass that he arrested more people in his life than the amount of sandwiches most Americans consume in a single lifetime. And America fucking loves sandwiches.
And who can blame us?
“Well listen here, pardner, she was just a stripper, she had no family, she can just disappear…”
~John “Marion” Wayne
In the classic song, “A Boy Named Sue,” Johnny Cash tells the story about a boy who had been given the unfortunate first name of “Sue” by a deadbeat father who he had never met. Throughout the course of this epic piece of American music, Cash describes how the boy named Sue was forced to fight his way through school, due to the ridicule he received for his name, until he grew up to be a hardened man who could take on anyone. Little did Johnny Cash know, but he was actually describing the story of another famous American who was born with a girl’s name.
That man would be Marion Mitchell Morrison, a.k.a. John Wayne.
This is the look of a man who has had sex with women he shares the same name with
Posted in The Best of the Rest
Tagged America, George Washington Carver, JFK, John F. Kennedy, John Wayne, Johnny Cash, Mad Anthony Wayne, Playboy, Richard Nixon, Stagecoach, Winterset Iowa, World War II