“My life was basically a Steven Segal film.”
~Buford Pusser’s Ghost
There is a science to naming your child that most responsible (read as: not currently addicted to Meth) parents have to utilize when they welcome a new American to their family. Kids can be, and how do we put this delicately…massive doucheholes, so you want to avoid giving your child a name that can easily be turned into an effectively derisive taunt. For example, John Harden is a perfectly sensible name to have. But if you name you child Richard Harden, you better not give him the nickname of “Dick.”
“Tee hee why not name him Hard Cock and get it over with?”
However, every once in a while, giving your child an incredibly-easy-to-make-fun-of name is a way to ensure he grows to be an unmitigated American badass. We call this the Boy Named Sue Property, which seems pretty for a man with such a ridiculous name as Buford Pusser, since here’s a picture of him with Johnny Cash.
That’s right, Buford Pusser, which sounds more like an insulting slur than a full name, is a man so badass that he arrested more people in his life than the amount of sandwiches most Americans consume in a single lifetime. And America fucking loves sandwiches.
And who can blame us?