“Fuck this guy.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt
We usually don’t weigh in with opinion pieces here at America Fun Fact of the Day. Life’s too short for handwringing and #thinkpieces, and it is infinitely shorter when you drink and eat the way our staffers do.
But, every once in a while we might notice a trend that we feel has to be put to a stop, and it’s during times like those that our Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt, steps out from the shadows to address important issues. And today, he is going to do just that regarding the internet’s love affair with Dan Bilzerian.
For those of you who do not know who Dan Bilzerian is, he is a poker player whose primary occupation now is to be a social media personality.
He was born into money, with a father who was a successful corporate raider before he went to jail for securities and tax law violations. He has about 32 million followers on Instagram (handle your shit, America) where he (somewhat) famously posts pictures of him living a lavish playboy lifestyle. Every image has either naked beautiful women, guns, money, fancy cars and jets, or any combination of those ingredients.
He is, and we cannot stress this enough, is an entitled toolbag, and the fact that so many bottle service douchebags rush over to extol how he is “living the dream” is distressing, stupid, and wrong.
And so, with that being said, here is Johnny’s take on the so-called “King of Instagram.”
Dan Bilzerian Is An Attention-Whoring Douchebag
By Johnny Roosevelt
“Damn, our 1950’s staff had some ISSUES.”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt
In December of 1953, a 27-year-old by the name of Hugh Hefner got the bright idea that a bunch of people might pay money to see Marilyn Monroe naked. Apparently back in those days either there was no such thing as “the internet” or it was illegal to put google images on any setting other than safe search, but this turned into a lucrative career for the young editor, who would go on to bang more beautiful women in his 80s than you will in your entire oh no, hey easy there big fella, stop crying, we know it doesn’t seem fair, calm down. Yeesh. That got weird. You got weird, we’re just gonna say it right there. You got weird there, reader.
Anyway, while today most Americans view Playboy as, at best, a glorious beacon of American boobage, or at worst, a slightly tame titty rag, it was revolutionary for the time.
And apparently the writers of the 1950’s AFFotD predecessor, The Informative American, hated anything revolutionary. Or they greatly abhorred the female figure. Actually, considering their writings about homosexuality, it’s probably the latter. Well, brace yourself for what’s sure to be awkward as we once again reach into our archives to bring you…
The Informative American: SMUT! Playboy Magazine, Destroyer Of Morals! (Originally Published January, 1954)
“Fuck no, I’m not foreign, I’m American, you assholes.”
We at AFfotD know of a few “celebrity chefs” out there. Guy Fieri likes to put Jack Daniels on everything, so he’s alright by our book. Wolfgang Puck speaks with a silly accent, so we hate him. The same should go for Gordon “fucking” Ramsay, except for the fact that Kitchen Nightmares is brilliant and if we ever said otherwise we suspect that the crazy soccer-playing Scottish bastard would hunt us down and harvest our livers for pate. And we’re conflicted on Rachael Ray but that’s just because our male staffers have spent the last three years trying to figure out if they find her attractive or not.
One person we never really paid much attention to was Anthony Bourdain. He has a foreign sounding name, and while he has a popular Food Network TV show, we mainly had heard of him through his best-selling books. And we at AFFotD never read books unless it tells us to kill Europeans, so even if Wikipedia says that your writing is “peppered with F-words,” sorry Tony, we’re still not going to read it. But we apparently were foolish in leaving this guy out, because even though we’ll never remember how to spell his name, this Bourbon Bourdain guy.
Because we found this.
That link is a SFW summary of a Playboy interview that Bourdain recently did. For those of you raising your eyebrows saying, “Oh, sure, your staff was totally just reading Playboy for the articles, italicized sarcasm” we just want to say for the record- our staff members that read Playboy do so solely for the pictures of naked women, this was just an instance where we saw the guy talking smack about Vegans and were suddenly enraptured. Then we did some digging and found that he’s a hard drinking, chain smoking, former heroin user (we’re not endorsing Heroin by any means, and in no way are we implying that doing Heroin makes you more American…but that being said…Lou Reed, you know?). To make a long story short, he seemed pretty damn American.
While we won’t go as far as to say he’s American enough for a Fun Fact of his entire life (at least not yet) we’ll at least throw him a bone by giving him one for his awesome views.
Anthony Bourdain’s America is Pretty Much AFFotD’s America
Okay, except for the excessively ripped jeans…
“Well listen here, pardner, she was just a stripper, she had no family, she can just disappear…”
~John “Marion” Wayne
In the classic song, “A Boy Named Sue,” Johnny Cash tells the story about a boy who had been given the unfortunate first name of “Sue” by a deadbeat father who he had never met. Throughout the course of this epic piece of American music, Cash describes how the boy named Sue was forced to fight his way through school, due to the ridicule he received for his name, until he grew up to be a hardened man who could take on anyone. Little did Johnny Cash know, but he was actually describing the story of another famous American who was born with a girl’s name.
That man would be Marion Mitchell Morrison, a.k.a. John Wayne.
This is the look of a man who has had sex with women he shares the same name with
Posted in The Best of the Rest
Tagged America, George Washington Carver, JFK, John F. Kennedy, John Wayne, Johnny Cash, Mad Anthony Wayne, Playboy, Richard Nixon, Stagecoach, Winterset Iowa, World War II