“…Oh yeah, this one…does not age well…”
~Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, upon reading this enclosed issue of The Informative American
Sometimes, the best way to make yourself a better American is to address the mistakes of your past. This is a subtle way to say that in the 1950’s, even though some views that were casually aired might today seem “fucked up,” they still at least offer us something to learn from. And just because AFFotD used to exist in the 1950’s as a bi-weekly pamphlet called The Informative American doesn’t mean that we agree with the ones that we bring out of the archives and post. Some of them? Yes. Communists are the worst. Recycling is terrible. Women…oh no, wait, yeah we don’t endorse that one. Just pretend we didn’t mention that one. Carry on.
Anyway, the following post, written by lead-paint damaged, emotionally crippled Americans in 1956, is an example of something not to take at face value, but to learn from. Because this is a very narrow minded, extremely out of date, frankly surprisingly hateful even for the time it was written article about homosexuality. Hot button topic, we know. And by hot button topic we mean, “Of course gay people deserve the same rights as everyone else—this isn’t Iran, this is America.” AFFotD is an equal opportunity employer, and we embrace all creeds, races, ethnicities, and orientations. Except for the French. Fuck the French.
Plus, we don’t mean to go all “studies find homophobes are more likely to be closeted homosexuals” on this, but that might explain some of the, erm, extreme rhetoric used in this article.
Don’t say we didn’t warn you. But just to warn you again—this is clearly the opposite of how you should view this topic. Clearly.
The Informative American’s Guide To The Homosexuality Virus (originally published January, 1956)
While gazing upon this advertisement, you may no doubt feel a strong urge to tell your wife to pour you a stiff pre-coitus drink and tape this to your headboard while you perform your uncomfortable, grunting husbandly duties. Of course you would! Looking at such toned, strong, well quaffed men just reminds you what you are striving for as you sit on the edge of your bed weeping and telling your domestic partner to stop looking at you JUST STOP LOOKING AT ME YOU GODDAMN WHORE!
Ahem. The sad truth of the matter is that we live in a nation that has come under a new menace, loyal Americans. This menace of course exists in the furrowed brows and concealed talons of those who have been infected by the Homosexuality Virus. For those of you who are unaware of, and thus do not know how to prevent, the Homosexuality Virus, we have bad news for you. Your son has already been infected, and the only way to cure him is to kiss the neighbor’s Hispanic gardener on the mouth. You know, the one with the very fine, narrow smile that curves just the right way when he speaks to you in Dominican or whatever the fuck language he speaks. Yes, the thought sickens you to the point that it makes your heart flutter, but you must do it for your son’s sexual future!
And if you can cure your son’s potential Homosexuality, he could grow up to be a famous lady chaser, like that Liberace fella the wife seems to like.
When a God-fearing American has been stricken with the Homosexuality Virus, he will exhibit several severe symptoms. This handy guide can help you spot the infected, and take proper preventative measures.
How To Tell If Someone Is Infected With The Homosexuality Virus
“False alarm there, little Billy. No Homosexuality bug at all. Nope, just good old fashioned, American Leukemia.”
SYMPTOM: You Observe Him Performing The Physical Act Of Love On Another Man
You’ve probably happened upon this before. You walk comfortably into the bath house, pay the extra dollar for the “keyhole room” and disrobe as you unscrew the jar of Vaseline you brought with you. When you look through the small opening in the wall besides you, you see a young man performing the act of fellatio upon another gentleman. “But, Informative American,” you might say, “This is a sight I’m well familiar with. Back in WW2, many of the boys looked forward to Wednesdays for that very reason!” Well to you, intrepid American, we must retort, that that is blatantly false. Our ship had it on Tuesdays. But yes, as you watch the dance that is musky man-on-man sexuality, you would be shocked to find that this is apparently a strong indicator of the existence of the Homosexuality Virus.
SYMPTOM: He Spurns Your Offer Of Bourbon, Asking Instead For A Glass Of, “Jesus Christ, It’s 10 In The Morning, You’re Kidding Right?”
Many might see this particular symptom and think, “This sounds like the very same way to spot a Communist!” Well, you’d be very right. Though Communists reproduce asexually by letting pods fall from their appendages, their recreational sexual encounters are usually of a Homosexual nature. This has to be true, since every time this has occurred to us we vaguely remember shouting, “I KNOW YOU’RE KIND YOU SISSY COMMIE!” And when we’re morning drunk, we’re always at our sharpest and most observational.
SYMPTOM: When You Approach Him On The Street, He Shouts Nonsense Like, “Hey! This Queer’s Tryin’ To Make A Pass On Me! Get The Fuck Off Me, Buddy!” Which Of Course Is A Code To Tell All The Surrounding People Infected With The Homosexuality Virus To Swarm You And Hold You In Their Strong, Strong Arms.
We feel that this is fairly self-explanatory. All Homosexuals speak in such codes to give insecure Americans pause while their cronies attack them with playful wrestling and butterfly kisses. Do not be fooled! If a man begins saying this, he’s infected, and your only chance of escape is to remove your pants to, uh, make it easier for you to flee. Yes, that.
These are the symptoms that mean the disease has progressed past the point of cure. If you encounter the Homosexual, choose one or any of these following acceptable actions in response.
Run screaming: Your manly shrieks and flailing arms will overwhelm the gland that has formed in the Homosexual’s Adam’s Apple that causes the Homosexual physical pain at the sight of unadulterated American manliness.
Call the White House: You might think that the leader of the free world might not have enough time on his docket to focus his energies on combating an outbreak of the Homosexuality Virus. You’d be wrong. Gay wro…dead wrong. We meant to say dead wrong.
Close your eyes, expose yourself, achieve erection, and say “Oh, I hope no one decides to perform a deviant sexual act upon me while I lay here, utterly unable to move.”: Incredibly enough, those infected usually respond to such actions by saying, “What the fuck are you doing!? Put that away, you fucking pig,” and fleeing the area. Don’t worry, those tears streaming down your cheeks are tears of happiness, and when you get home you can be a real man by insulting your wife’s cooking and drinking until you wake up on your couch with no recollection of how you got there.
Yes, with these and other Homosexual fighting techniques, you can help us make America well again, and the other parents in the neighborhood will no longer have reason to give you strange looks for saying something like, “I tell you, that Desi Arnaz could enter me sexually any day, what with that funny accent and everything.” Because what’s wrong with saying that, huh? Oh yeah, Ralph, like your family life is peachy keen, we’ve heard the stories, we know what you did in the war. Prick.