“Just add it to the book burning pile.”
~1950’s Streets and Sanitation Director
Frequent visitors to this site are no doubt aware of our 1950’s archives, back when our publication was printed (on paper and everything) in a bi-weekly brochure entitled “The Informative American.” While the current reader might find some of the opinions that were expressed 60 years ago “antiquated” or “downright offensive” we still enjoy letting you see how far we’ve come (while occasionally distancing ourselves from certain more “racist” or “misogynistic” points).
But every once and a while, we find something that still holds true to how we feel today. Granted, usually there’s more xenophobia and hatred of Russians thrown in there, but apart from the crude descriptions of the office’s secretaries at the time being unnecessarily thrown in there, we generally agree with the points that The Informative American was trying to make.
Recycling is one of those areas.
Listen, recycling firmly goes against our firmly entrenched “Fuck Nature” policy. It requires taking “initiative” to “save the Earth” and honestly everything except for tin cans uses up more resources and energy than it saves. But in 1955, when “recycling” was just a whisper in the air, a rancid rumor in the wind, a third expression referencing weather patterns, The Informative American was there, ready to fight this policy before it even became established.
Because fuck nature.
The Informative American Presents: Re-Cycling or Re-Sickle-ing? A Terrifying Look At The Latest Communist Plot (Originally Published June 1955)
Friends! Americans! Protestants! We come with a dire warning of a pervasive threat that could attack our nation’s subconscious any day now. That is right, we have heard that certain radical elements of our society have decided that they want to “preserve Earth’s resources” by “re-cycling”, which is apparently a term used by homosexual women to describe the act of re-using American products that have clearly outlived their usefulness.
Normal Americans consume their bottles of liquor, and occasional food items, and they dispose of the remainder the way we always have. By either putting them out on the curbside for our garbage man to collect, or by heaping our refuse on the nearest pile of burning leafs or books.
This is what I think of your damn ant farm!
But apparently, “glass” and “metal” should be “re-cycled”, or so says a terrifying contingency of Soviet agents, who no doubt envy the majestic contrast between our blue sky and are black smoke stacks. These communists, and possibly beatniks, think that “Earth” deserves a “gender”…and that this “gender” should be female. If the world is female, why do we have to hunt for our food, then? Shouldn’t the world cook it for us? Ha! Try to defuse that logic, scientists!
As we all know, when it comes to Waste Management, we follow the three Ws. “Waste wrecklessly.” These communist glass savers, however, are trying to tell us to follow the three “Rs” all of which we are only forced to assume stand for “Retarded.” That is why we are here to tell you the entire Communist plot for this fiendish re-cycling.
The Re-Cycle Plan
PHASE ONE: INCEPTION
We have it on good authority that Russian agents have infiltrated the segments of society with weaker minds and an intolerance to tapeworms, and have thus have convinced them that resources are something that should be saved, and ultimately collected so that they can be re-used again. Why these weak-willed fools go along with such blatant lies we do not know. Could it be that they enjoy watching massive rust colored tears fall from the eyes of the Statue of Liberty?
Once the initial lies have been implanted, it is easy to go onto…
PHASE TWO: PROGRESSION
At this point, they trick people to collect previously used materials. See above? The milkman should be leaving milk for us, not taking away empty bottles. Yet, this is what the Russians want us to do. To put our bottles and our boxes out in the streets, to be collected by some “re-cycler” that will “re-use” these products to “make Earth better.” Of course that sounds like hogwash to you, because you are a proper red blooded American, it is. But the week willed fooled in phase one will believe it. That will lead to…
PHASE THREE: INGESTION
It should come as no surprise that those items which you have been “re-cycling” have actually been exported out of the country to fuel the Communist war effort against America. That’s right. While you think “why not just save those glass bottles” you fail to realize that Communists use glass for bullets probably. That’s right, if you do this re-cycling, the communists win.
So please, American, throw away your waste. Throw it on the street, throw it in the woods, throw it anywhere but Mother Russia! We depend on you!