“Misogyny? I told you, I’m not gonna eat any Jap food.”
Being a woman working in an office in the 1950’s was like being a man working in an office in the bizarro-world 1950’s. That is to say, if you were a woman under the age of 30 working in an office setting in the 1950’s, you’d have to deal with more creepy old men licking your face than a bowl of hard candies in a nursing home. Times change for a reason, and one of the benefits of current America is that there’s a general sense of equality when you work here, unless you have a silly accent.
That’s why, as we were looking through our backlog of 1950s issues of The Informative American, we were shocked to see how far we’ve come in regards to women’s rights in the workplace. Our female staff members get to take advantage of all the debauchery that their male counterparts do, plus we’re LGBT friendly. But that’s because it’s 2011, if you’re not supporting equality in the workplace by now, West Virginia called and they want their massive debt back.
But things weren’t always that way, and to bring the point home of how much things have changed over the past 60 years, we’re going to post an Informative American article from the year 1952. The whiskey was just as strong, but the pomade was stronger, and people were still scared of music made by black people. So without further ado, it’s time to unleash the time capsule that is…
The Informative American’s Guide For Women in the Workplace (Originally Published February, 1952).
Hello there gentlemen. If you’re reading this, your God-fearing American company no doubt has been implored to hire members of the fairer sex, who choose to sully their dishwashing hands by mindlessly typing away on their typographers while meekly trembling in an attempt to stop themselves from gossiping about their menstrual cycles. But you’ve got scotch to drink and couches in your office to have lewd sexual encounters on, and while the heaving bosom of an unmarried 19 year old secretary may distract you from firing the homosexuals on your staff, it also provides ample opportunity to boost moral through lewd discussion of your employ’s attributes. For example, “Speaking of ample opportunities, take a look at those sweater puppies Sharon is sporting.” You’ve just boosted office moral by fifteen percent, and asserted your dominance by reducing poor Sharon to tears. Success!
“And loose the hat, Sharon, it makes you look like a fucking whore!”
That’s why we at The Informative American are here to set you on your way, and let you know some simple guidelines for hiring and maintaining women in your workplace. Much like the common house plant, women in the office require nurturing care, constant attention, and they tend to dry up and die if you do not water them enough. So it is important to keep this pamphlet handy, as you never know when your 35 year old head secretary will introduce you to the more attractive, younger, more malleable woman who will inevitably replace her.
Naturally, you will have some questions. These may include…
1. Am I legally required to hire women?
Naturally, the government would never be so foolhardy to legally necessitate the employ of our ovulating members of society-why, their sanitary napkins alone would lead to bands of wild coyotes running rampant through downtown Manhattan. But, even though you’re not forced to hire women, women are suited for three profession- teachers, secretaries, and spinsters. While you may be forced to occasionally hire a spinster into the position of secretary(usually as punishment for young executives who take too many liberties with the rest of the female staff without asking upper management first), you typically want to hire attractive women with a healthy sense of discretion to take your calls.
“Why would you not hire a feminine young man in the position of secretary?” you ask. Shut your dirty fucking mouth, Commie, never interrupt us again, that’s why. When you’re hiring men, you’re hiring people you drink with, or the sons of people that you drink with. Placing these people in the role of secretary, a thankless job with no hope of promotion, would only serve to negatively affect future golf outings.
Besides, an attractive, unmarried woman never is forced to pay for bottles of Scotch from the liquor store, and if you get yourself an attractive enough dame working under you (ha ha!) you will save literally hundreds of dollars a year assuming she uses her Siren powers to purchase the five bottles of alcohol per week you require for standard workplace meetings. The joke’s on her, since that’s literally twice her annual salary!
“What do you mean you’re paying me in nickels and gooses?”
Women are paid less than men, generally look nicer in makeup and rouge than the average man (though we’ve got our eyes on Clarence in the mail room- bluest eyes you’ll ever see) and occasionally they’ll get drunk and make you pay for a certain procedure that only a handful of trustworthy doctors are willing to take care of. Along with the comforting knowledge that, no matter what, they can never threaten you professionally, there’s a whole lot to gain by hiring women in certain, less cerebral positions, and not a whole lot to lose.
2. I’m married, so naturally am desperate to have an affair. Can I hire a woman in my employ to facilitate this?
“Look here, Helen, it says I can pay someone to do that thing with their mouth.”
The sad fact of the matter is, many women who are prostitutes are in fact beatniks, or friends with minorities. Soliciting their services require going to questionable parts of town, and talking with Reefer dealers, who always assume you are some sort of police officer. However, often times you can facilitate your affairs by ensuring you hire a secretary who appears to have “loose” morals and “unresolved father issues.” But remember, you American rascal, the legal term is “secret office affair that if you tell anyone about you will be fired and I will have you blacklisted from every business on the East Coast,” not “Hired for tail.” After all, you don’t want to go through the headache of an IRS audit, do you? Of course not!
3. Is it true that women use their unique, complex, and utterly terrifying genitalia to brainwash you into giving them raises?
You are absolutely right to be worried, ever since the TIME article mentioned the possibility of feminine mind control. But ask yourself this, how did you respond the last time your wife asked for an uptick in her allowance? That’s correct, you staunchly refused until she begrudgingly agreed to let you drip sweat all over her as you made dry, passionless love to her, and then you caved in. So even if they have this power, it’s still sort of worth it, right fellas?
4. What is “Sexual Harassment?” and is it considered “wrong”?
We have never heard of this term before, so we’re going to safely assume it’s fine. Next question.
5. So if we hire female help they have to bring “sack lunches” amiright?
Ha ha! High five!
So there you have it, Americans. A comprehensive guide on how to deal with women in the work place. Yes, you will be encountering new, shiny women in your office place, but each time a new member joins your ranks, remind yourself that this should be only temporary, at least until their logic-blinding Biological clock forces them to settle down with the unmarried mid-level executive and develop a crippling alcohol dependency. Until then, enterprising American, remember our motto. In these untrustworthy times, if you hope to stay vigilant, you must stay ignorant. The Informative American is here to help with that.
And until next time, fear change! God Bless.