“Oh God, you guys, what the hell was wrong with us back then?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, reading AFFotD’s 1950’s predecessor
It’s been a while since our staffers have taken the terrifying plunge into the 1950’s bi-weekly publication that preceded America Fun Fact of the Day, The Informative American. We’ve been trying to forget how misogynistic, racist, and homophobic-but-in-a-way-that-we’re-pretty-sure-they-were-projecting-their-own-homosexual-urges-in-a-really-uncomfortable-way our writers were back then, but the reason why we have a history is so we can learn from it.
So we decided we’d try to avoid topics like “women in the workplace” or “Mexicans” and republish one of our 1950’s articles about something fairly mundane, which is why the following article about physical fitness caught our eye. After all, no matter how warped our 1950’s predecessors were, there’s really not much they could do to make working out offensive, right?
Oh God, what have we done?
The Informative American’s Guide To Physical Fitness and Exercise (originally published October, 1953)
With our boys having recently returned from shooting up Chinamen in Korea, our fair nation is once again graced with the full allotment of strong, American men with rippling muscles and a fervent desire to escape from the horrors they’ve witnessed through any physical comfort that can be afforded to them. Just strong arms to hold them and tell them it will all be okay. Shhh. Shhh. We’re here now. The wife is at the neighbors sewing or gossiping or whatever, it’s just us here. It can always be like this…
Ahem, where were we? Oh, yes, with America’s military men returning from duty, it’s once again important for the rest of America to embrace physical fitness. Yes, while the CEOs among us are allowed, nay, encouraged to gorge themselves on buttered steak dinners so they can grow fat and replace their trophy wives for younger models every several years, most red blooded Americans would do well to keep their bodies as sharp and toned as their neighbor’s new Mexican gardener, Pepe or some shit like that.
Um…wait sorry, we were saying something?
Like everything worth doing in America, exercise is hard, and occasionally requires you to put down your glass of bourbon. Just kidding. We’d never expect you to do that. But we can tell you how to get in the most American fit shape imaginable, while giving you helpful pointers on how to stop yourself from gagging whenever your wife tries to touch your new muscles. Goddamn it woman, can’t you go one day without saying something idiotic like, “We haven’t made love in months, don’t think I didn’t see the way you looked at that busboy at the hotel last month.” Pshh. Women.
EXERCISE TIP #1: Liquor relaxes the muscles, making them more malleable and easier to form
Science has brought us many innovations in the past decades, ranging from panty hose to other things we don’t ever steal from our wives dresser to try on while they’re sleeping in their separate twin-sized bed. But did you know that science can even teach us things about our own bodies? Science things.
For example, you might not realize it, but muscles aren’t just tight strings inside your body always quivering in anticipation for the touch of forbidden masculine contact. It’s true! In fact, a recent medical journal that we in no way made up informs us that muscles can be taut, or loose. The looser your muscles, of course, the easier it is to exercise. While some so called “doctors” recommend stretching, which as far as we can tell is done by placing yourself in sexually compromising positions and staying put while counting, we recommend a much more efficient method for loosening one’s muscles. Liquor.
Yes, drinking before, and during, your exercise routine will improve your spirits, boost your body’s efficiency, and create a healthy mental haze that’ll keep the evil thoughts away as you shower afterwards. So drink early and drink often and you’re sure to get the body in of your dreams!
EXERCISE TIP #2: Women are not allowed to exercise, or to even witness you exercising, or see you in the nude unless it is in your pitch dark bedroom as a manly voice sobs, “Alright, goddamn it Beth, get this over with.”
You’re not fooling anyone, sweetheart
Not that you’d ever run into this problem, but hypothetically women could express an interest in bettering their bodies in a way that differs from spending more energy cleaning and less energy eating another fucking slice of cake, Beth, you disgust us you fat, fat cow! This of course would be foolish, as we all know that women do not possess what experts refer to as “muscle.” No, a woman’s body, as we all know, is comprised of bones, flesh, and is filled with a warm, slightly gooey feeling material that makes you gag when it comes in contact with your manhood.
If a woman ever tried to lift anything heavier than a casserole, her arms would fall off and you’d have to send her to buy replacement arms from Sax Fifth Avenue or wherever the hell she goes to shop for her damn sun dresses and negligée that she constantly intones that she only spent your hard earned money on so that “You’ll look at me like I’m woman, Donald! LOOK AT ME! I CAN’T KEEP DOING THIS! OH GOD MY MOTHER WAS RIGHT!” or whatever the fuck she says when she’s crying, it all blurs together at a certain point. This has been medically proven, by people in glasses. Smart looking glasses.
EXERCISE TIP #3: You don’t have to exercise alone! Try working out with a friend, like that fresh-faced young man who moved in across the street last month with that darling wife of his? Might as well take off your shirts too, don’t want to get sweat all over there! Tickling counts as exercise too! What? Where are you going, David? What do you mean by “You should have listened to what the rest of the neighborhood said about you”? Come on, we’re just joking around! Fitness! David? …David?
Why do they always leave?
Ahem. Well. Yes. So as we’ve established, exercise is important, and the more you do so, the more…oh goddamn it, David come back! COME BACK! PLEAAAASEEEE!