“Oh God, you guys, what the hell was wrong with us back then?”
~AFFotD Editor-in-Chief Johnny Roosevelt, reading AFFotD’s 1950’s predecessor
It’s been a while since our staffers have taken the terrifying plunge into the 1950’s bi-weekly publication that preceded America Fun Fact of the Day, The Informative American. We’ve been trying to forget how misogynistic, racist, and homophobic-but-in-a-way-that-we’re-pretty-sure-they-were-projecting-their-own-homosexual-urges-in-a-really-uncomfortable-way our writers were back then, but the reason why we have a history is so we can learn from it.
So we decided we’d try to avoid topics like “women in the workplace” or “Mexicans” and republish one of our 1950’s articles about something fairly mundane, which is why the following article about physical fitness caught our eye. After all, no matter how warped our 1950’s predecessors were, there’s really not much they could do to make working out offensive, right?
Oh God, what have we done?
The Informative American’s Guide To Physical Fitness and Exercise (originally published October, 1953)
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“I don’t understand the question, doctor.”
~What’s not to understand!? How often do you exercise a week!?
With obesity on the rise, causing millions of early deaths and costing billions in extra heath care costs, many Americans are making a stance and saying “enough is enough.” They want to encourage good eating habits, urge their fellow Americans to exercise, and generally make a concerted effort to ensure that all of us live richer, happier, healthier lives.
The fuck is wrong with these people?
We at AFFotD are here to make an unequivocal stance against this protein-drink fueled do-good-ery. Listen, if God wanted us to live past the age of 65, he would have made pomegranate juice naturally alcoholic, and would have filled pigs with blood thinners and vitamin B12. That’s not the way the things we’re supposed to love were made, so why fight it? Every time you show us a woman pushing 90 as a lifelong vegetarian, we’ll show you a complicated chart that proves that in “American years” she has only lived 5 years, while Jack Kerouac was the oldest American of all time by fitting 150 years of drinking into the amount of time it took the Earth to go around the sun 47 times.
“Listen buddy, I fucked a lot of booze in my time…wait…I drank a lot of women…uh…fuck it, let’s just go driving, guys.”
One of the more pervasive ways that Americans are trying to get their sinful exercise in is to center it around their work day. While we understand their mindsets here—sweating during the day, we could only assume, would make drinking during the night more enjoyable—we’ll have to rail against it, we shed a tear for every calorie that is not burned getting your liver to process alcohol in your body. That is why…
AFFotD Declares War Against Fit Offices
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