Timmy Roosevelt, Eight-Year Old American

“I like Fire trucks.”

~Timmy Roosevelt

We’re sort of out of it today.  Weekends blur together in the American tradition, because America knows how to come up with reasons to get wasted most every night, and eventually you let weekdays blur together to in the quest to reach the weekend.  It’s America who came up with the notion of Thursdays “being the new Friday.”  And it’s a truly great American notion- you don’t expect to do much work on Friday, so why not go out on Thursday to get plastered as well?  Get more bang for your weekend buck?  And then, Wednesday becomes the new Thursday which is the new Friday, and so on and so on.

So we…we treated Monday like the Friday it is.  And if we had to rate days by how bad their hangovers are, Tuesday would be very high up on the list.  We don’t often have guest columnists, and normally they’re not eight-year old boys.

Anyway, the guy who writes our intros just puked into his garbage can, so here’s Timmy Roosevelt, the eight-year old nephew of our editor-in-chief, Johnny Roosevelt.

Hi everyone!  Uncle Johnny’s got a pretty bad headache, so he told me to write to everyone!  About the things I like!  I like being American most of all so I’m going to talk to everyone about being American if that’s okay.

My teachers told me something about America being founded by Christopher Columbus and some people from Spain, but when I told Uncle Johnny that he said that if I ever said such things, the ghost of my great-great Grandfather Teddy Roosevelt would show up and make me eat peas while I watched him kill a man.  So I’ll never say anything like that again, because that happens too often already and I’m real sick and tired of eating all these damn peas.

I can count to …twenty-nine and I never want to know how to count higher than that.  Uncle Johnny told me that Thomas Jefferson could only count as high as the amount of women he was slamming at once that at any given moment.  I didn’t know what he meant by that, but Uncle Johnny said that it means he could count to seven.  Sometimes I think the only reason Teddy Roosevelt’s ghost shows up all the time is to teach me to hate peas, and if that’s what he’s trying to do it’s working.

Ugh, peas AND puns?  Vegetables are the WORST.

So anyway, here are the things I like about America.

1.        I like tricycles.  I can ride a regular bicycle, but tricycles are the way to go.  I mean, if I saw a car with three wheels, and I saw one of those robot scooters, I would totally steal the car with three wheels first.  I think that’s how we need to start seeing bicycles too.  Stop making fun of me for still using my tricycle, is all I’m saying.

2.       Candy.  Candy.  Come on guys, how great is candy?  So great, right?  I eat candy whenever I damn well please, and no one tries to stop me.  A few years ago, my mom said something like, “Timmy, don’t you think you should try eating something that’s not candy?” and I just slapped her in the face.  So what if I was only five.  She got the message.  No one tells me what I can or cannot eat.  My dentist likes to joke that my dental hygiene is so bad that he’s worried my plaque is going to give him Hepatitis C.  I have no idea what four of those words mean, so I usually just kick him in the dick.  Right in the baby hose.  I don’t know why they call it a “baby hose” by my uncle once drank a lot of happy juice and told me to use that term, and he wouldn’t stop laughing, so now I say it whenever I can.  Baby hose.  Baby hose.  Baby hose.

3.       What’s that?  Huh?  Sorry, one of the men who work here whispered in my ear that I was supposed to say something like “Worbon” and that I like to “get drunk off my sass.”  I couldn’t understand him very well because he was giggling a lot and his breath smelled like mom’s does ever since she stopped smiling .

4.       Knives.  The teachers once tried to suspend me because I have more switch blades than a James Dean movie memorabilia collector, but some of the people who work at AFFotD showed up and talked to her really quiet like and now I get As on all of my tests!  Even the ones I don’t take!

5.       Cars.  Here’s how a car goes, it goes, VROOOOOM!  VROOOOOOM!  SCHREEEEEEEEECHHH!  MOTHER OF GOD IS THERE A CHILD DRIVING THAT CAR!?  EEEEEEEEEEEE!  VROOOOM!  CRASHHHHH!  OH GOD MY LEGS OH GOD WHY IS THIS HAPPENING!  VROOOOOOOOOOOM!  Oh my god he’s just driving away why won’t he stop and call for help!?  VRROOOOOOOMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…….. sputter sputter clickclickclick.

6.       I like fire trucks.  And I will straight up murder anyone who thinks differently.  You want to say anything bad about Fire Trucks, you gotta deal with a Roosevelt ancestor who likes knives and has a very good vantage point for the crotch strike.  I will end you, is what I’m saying.

Uncle Johnny, what does this submit button do?  I’m gonna pre