“How come you only ask me to write things after you’ve had too much yell juice?”
Every once and a while our “staff” gets a little “overwhelmed” and “hungover” to really give you, the American doting public, an appropriate Fun Fact. And at least one of those times, we turned to Timmy Roosevelt, the 8-year old nephew of our Editor-and-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt. So when Timmy was in our offices again as Johnny had to “go to jail and bail out Timmy’s dad for public intoxication again” we sort of figured, “well…we’re just hungover enough to try to have an 8-year old leave another post.”
So screw it, right? Take it away, Timmy.
Hi America it’s me, Timmy again! I’m here to talk to you a little bit more about being American, because being American is something I really like, almost as much as fire trucks, and I really love fire trucks. I’m not saying I’ll kill a man if someone told me that if I killed that man I’d get a fire truck but that’s because they totally lied to me the last time they made me do that.
People make funny noises when they die.
So, Uncle Johnny isn’t here because he had to get my dad out of Jail. Daddy had gone a whole month without getting yell drunk, which is a long time for him. So anyway, I’m going to write about my favorite things about being American and I’m not going to talk about why mommy left because dad explains it differently each time.
Anyway I’m going to talk about cereal because cereal is delicious and it’s American and if I eat a whole lot of it I get sort of dizzy and the doctor always says something to my dad like, “Good lord, your son is incredibly diabetic, why on earth would you let him stuff himself full of cereal marshmallow bits?” I don’t really like that doctor, so I kick him right in the dick.
Anyway, here is why I like cereal the best.
1. Marshmallows. They’re delicious. I don’t know why cereal has anything but marshmallows, because I don’t eat anything else. I’m not really sure what the difference is between marshmallows and cereal other than the fact that one comes in a box and one comes in a bag and I put chocolate milk on both.
2. Sugar is probably the best tasting thing I’ve ever encountered but my dad keeps saying “wait till you turn 12 and are old enough to try whiskey.” I like cereal because it has a lot of sugar.
3. Some states say it’s against the law to drink coffee when you’re younger than 13, but that doesn’t stop my dad from making me coffee, and when I drink it at the same time as eating a whole box of cereal I just run and run and the next thing I know I’m being told by a police man that I need to get out of the car for God’s sake, I’ve already hit five people. Ha ha!
4. After you run you get really tired and I’m pretty tired now so I’m gonna take a nap. Later America!