Tag Archives: Cereal

Cap’N Crunch’s Grossest Flavors of All Time

“Give me a break!”

~Um, That’s Not The Theme Song To Captain Crunch…

oh-captain-my-captain

When Captain Cap’n Crunch first hit the shelves in 1963, we didn’t worry ourselves with the fact that he’s not an actual Captain, and instead went wild over the corn-based cereal that was the first to be coated in a thin layer of oil to give it an additional boost of flavor.  The cereal itself was developed by Pamela Low, a flavorist (shut up, it’s a thing) (no it actually is) at Arthur D. Little who tried to make a cereal that tasted like her grandmother’s recipe of brown sugar and butter melted over rice.  Now, as far as “tasting like sugar butter over rice” goes, Captain Cap’n Crunch was an abject failure.  But if we look at the product through a “holy shit, this is really good, let’s put some crunch berries in it” lens, it was a roaring success.

Now, Cap’n Crunch is everywhere, and you’ll hear no one complain about that fact because Cap’n Crunch is goddamn magical.  That is, when they’re not trying to showboat.

Yes, much like Marshmallow Peeps, Oreos, or, God help us, M&Ms, Cap’n Crunch has tried many times to fly to the sun, only to see their waxen wings melt away.  That was a very elegant metaphor about how you shouldn’t sell Cap’n Crunch that comes with fucking pop rocks in it.

Cap’N Crunch’s Grossest Flavors of All Time

more-like-totally-smashed-berries-amiright

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The American History of Breakfast Cereals

“I’m cuckoo for catchphrases!”

~American cereal executives

America doesn’t like to eat food that came from the ground.  The only use we have for grains is if we want something to rest the cheese and sauce of our pizza on, or if we want to burn it into a vapor and distill it into sweet, sweet alcohol.  Yet, despite our dislike of grains, America has found some of the most innovative uses for things such as wheat, corn, and barley.  No, we’re not talking about ethanol and alternative energies, get your head out of your ass, we’re talking about breakfast cereals.  Delicious, sugary, doused in milk cereal.

Cereal is the primary source of hyperactive children and “regular” adults, and it should come as no surprise that a product that can be described as “overly sugared pellet food” was invented in America.  That’s why we’re here to present…

The American History of Breakfast Cereals

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Timmy Roosevelt Talks Cereal

“How come you only ask me to write things after you’ve had too much yell juice?”

~Timmy Roosevelt

Every once and a while our “staff” gets a little “overwhelmed” and “hungover” to really give you, the American doting public, an appropriate Fun Fact.  And at least one of those times, we turned to Timmy Roosevelt, the 8-year old nephew of our Editor-and-Chief, Johnny Roosevelt.  So when Timmy was in our offices again as Johnny had to “go to jail and bail out Timmy’s dad for public intoxication again” we sort of figured, “well…we’re just hungover enough to try to have an 8-year old leave another post.”

So screw it, right?  Take it away, Timmy.

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Marshmallows: American Magic Sugar Balls

“If it weren’t for these fluffy fuckers, we’d be bankrupt within a week.”

~Cereal executives


What do you get when you combine gelatin, sugar, water and corn syrup?  No, not diabetes.  Well…

But no, the answer we are going for is one of the most American dessert/decoration/camping/breakfast/anything candied foods available.  That’s right, we’re talking about the ever Vegan-Unfriendly Marshmallow.  Marshmallows are a staple candy in American cuisine, seen everywhere from breakfast cereals to candy treats made out of breakfast cereals.  And before you can accuse us of overstating both the importance of Marshmallows, as well as their American-ness, consider their role in the creation of S’Mores.  Imagine the S’More- the classic American camping treat of two graham crackers and two pieces of chocolate held together with a melted, gooey Marshmallow, without that most key ingredient.  Without the shape-forming delicious Marshmallow, a S’More would just be two delicious but uncontained pieces of candy, chaffing against the rough texture of the graham cracker, unable to be held up in a comfortable, shapely way that helps ease future back problems.  On a totally unrelated point here’s a picture of Marshmallows being strung together to make a bra.

So without further glances at the above image (even our female readers are a little curious, right?  You’re thinking “that looks uncomfortable…but also kind of comfortable…”) let us go into the surprisingly rich history of…

Marshmallows:  American Magic Sugar Balls

 

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