“No, you see, they’re called S’Mores because you always WANT Some…”
~No, we get it, you don’t have to finish
Camping is as American of a tradition as you can find among middle class people who take delight in purposely leaving the comforts of world behind so they can sleep under a pitched piece of fabric and try to stave off their urge to use the bathroom until the weekend is over, taking advantage of our nation’s surplus of forested wilderness instead of burning it to the ground to put up the Walmart that, let’s be real, will work around zoning regulations eventually. And when we go camping, we’re almost guaranteed to run into two American activities—having outdoor intercourse interrupted by murdering monsters, and sticking a marshmallow into fire and smudging it on some chocolate between two graham crackers.
Today we’re going to tell you the history of the most American camping activity of the two. No, it’s not the slasher film thing. Let’s take a moment to nurse the soon-to-be-burned roof of our mouths as we talk about…
S’mores: Giving America Yet Another Reason To Love Fire
“Wow. I mean, I’d drink it, because alcohol, but…wow.”
~American beer drinkers
America is a nation of innovation, nurturing the minds that eventually came to bring us DVDs, the Internet, and probably some other things that we don’t even use to watch pornography. Nowhere is this enterprising spirit more apparent than our constant efforts to improve upon perfection (read as: beer). Each year brewers go out of their way to give us new and interesting ways to get drunk on liquid bliss, ranging from the strange to the “are you sure that’s not whiskey?”
As purveyors of all things American, we constantly find ourselves inundated with a plethora insane sounding beers that we absolutely have to try at this moment. So for tax write-off purposes, we’re going to list the five newest, most exciting, and strangest beers that have hit the market this past year so we can try them without having to buy them. Because this is America goddamn it, and if we can find a way to get the government to pay us to get drunk, we’re going to move heaven and Earth to make that happen.
Or just write 1,500 words on weird beers. Tomato to-mah-to.
The Five Newest, Strangest Beers in America
Posted in Beer!
Tagged Alcohol, America, Bacon, Beer, Doughnut, Kimchi, Maple, Rocky Mountain Oyster, Rogue Brewery, Root Beer, S'mores, sassafras root, Short's Brewing Company, Sprechers, Temperance Movement, Wynkoop Brewery
“If it weren’t for these fluffy fuckers, we’d be bankrupt within a week.”
What do you get when you combine gelatin, sugar, water and corn syrup? No, not diabetes. Well…
But no, the answer we are going for is one of the most American dessert/decoration/camping/breakfast/anything candied foods available. That’s right, we’re talking about the ever Vegan-Unfriendly Marshmallow. Marshmallows are a staple candy in American cuisine, seen everywhere from breakfast cereals to candy treats made out of breakfast cereals. And before you can accuse us of overstating both the importance of Marshmallows, as well as their American-ness, consider their role in the creation of S’Mores. Imagine the S’More- the classic American camping treat of two graham crackers and two pieces of chocolate held together with a melted, gooey Marshmallow, without that most key ingredient. Without the shape-forming delicious Marshmallow, a S’More would just be two delicious but uncontained pieces of candy, chaffing against the rough texture of the graham cracker, unable to be held up in a comfortable, shapely way that helps ease future back problems. On a totally unrelated point here’s a picture of Marshmallows being strung together to make a bra.
So without further glances at the above image (even our female readers are a little curious, right? You’re thinking “that looks uncomfortable…but also kind of comfortable…”) let us go into the surprisingly rich history of…
Marshmallows: American Magic Sugar Balls