Tag Archives: Kellogg’s

The American History of the Pop-Tart

“Pop Tarts: The Perfect Breakfast For A Broken Home!”

~Rejected Pop Tarts slogan

pop tarts

Parenting is not easy, which is why American corporations have entire divisions dedicated to giving parents as many moments of unencumbered sanity as humanly possible.  Sure, we made Sesame Street as a fun way to entertain kids while educating them, but we also want to give parents thirty minutes of peace where they could plop the kids in front of the TV and talk about maybe getting a fast quickie done in the laundry room before ultimately deciding that they’d both rather just take a 10 minute nap.  It’s the same reason why the iPad went from a frankly unnecessary gadget to a must-have child distraction device for new parents, and it’s also why Uncrustables exist as an easy way to tell your child you don’t really love them that much.

But of all the areas where American corporations try to make life easier for the struggling parent, there is one breakfast treat that’s been jazzing kids and adults up on unnecessarily high amounts of sugar morning in and morning out in a quest to make at least the beginning of the day a shade easier while you try to hide the fact that you’re a bit hungover to your kids who just won’t stop asking why you’re holding your head in those shrill monster little voices of theirs.

That product, of course, is the Pop-Tart.  More American than the apple pie, because we invented it, and we use it to cut corners.

The American History of the Pop-Tart

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The American History of Breakfast Cereals

“I’m cuckoo for catchphrases!”

~American cereal executives

America doesn’t like to eat food that came from the ground.  The only use we have for grains is if we want something to rest the cheese and sauce of our pizza on, or if we want to burn it into a vapor and distill it into sweet, sweet alcohol.  Yet, despite our dislike of grains, America has found some of the most innovative uses for things such as wheat, corn, and barley.  No, we’re not talking about ethanol and alternative energies, get your head out of your ass, we’re talking about breakfast cereals.  Delicious, sugary, doused in milk cereal.

Cereal is the primary source of hyperactive children and “regular” adults, and it should come as no surprise that a product that can be described as “overly sugared pellet food” was invented in America.  That’s why we’re here to present…

The American History of Breakfast Cereals

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