Gary Busey is an American actor who is equal parts teeth and motorcycle accident, an Academy Award nominated thespian who has been working in Hollywood for the last 40 years. He also looks like he pooped his pants, but is kind of proud about it, in every picture that’s been taken of him in the past 20 years. The man needs no introduction, as he has been the toothy madman of Hollywood for as long as we can remember, and we’d not have it any other way.
We bring that up because we had an office party here at AFFotD headquarters last night, the theme of which was apparently (we think) “drink so much that you don’t remember what the theme of the party was supposed to be.” So our staff is pretty out of sorts at the moment, and when we need a hangover pick-me-up, we like to google Gary Busey. It might seem random and confusing, but when you stumble onto sites like this, you sort of realize the joy of doing this.
Well, today we found something magical. We found the official twitter feed of Gary Busey. It’s exactly what you’d expect from a famous crazy person with brain damage, and nothing would make us happier than to pool together our hungover resources to dig through each inane 140-character-or-less ramble and pick out the best for you, the (we’re assuming) hungover American.
The Greatest Hits of Gary Busey’s Twitter Feed
“Hi, I’m Gary Busey, I’ll be your caterpillar today.”
Gary Busey graced us with his internet presence on July 28th, 2010. Also on July 28th, 2010 a plane crashed in Pakistan, killing 152 people. We’re not saying that the two are connected, we’re merely a neutral party pointing out that, as innocently as a butterfly flapping its wing, Gary Busey typed (most likely while screaming) “Never have doubt on the truth of the future!” and across the world, a plane went down and killed over a hundred people. These are just facts.
Much as Gary Busey was born in fire (we’re assuming) so too was his twitter. And he never looked back.
Six hours before this tweet went live, Busey informed us that “when you see bad things your eyes will hurt.” While there is a tiny voice in the back of our heads saying, “No, don’t make a penis joke, this tweet is probably about eyes. They’re the windows of the soul! PLEASE DON’T MAKE A PENIS JOKE!” we can’t get over the fact that this tweet strikes us as something Gary Busey was saying, just then, to an Asian masseuse after she asked him to roll over onto his back. Consider this a fair warning, Gary Busey- don’t tweet when you’re about to get a happy ending, your wife’s following your account.
Of course, Gary Busey’s twitter isn’t all plane crashes and hand jobs from Vietnamese women working off what they owe for getting smuggled into the country. Sometimes you might find some helpful advice.
Okay, that’s actually pretty funny, Gary Busey. We’d totally do that, but what Busey forgets is that most humans share more DNA with the majestic dolphin than with the toothy Gary Busey. So while most people ordering diet water from a restaurant (heh, we do like that though) with a serious face would look like this.
Gary Busey ordering diet water from a restaurant with a serious face would look like this.
We’re just saying, the reaction that the waitress will have towards us will probably be different than what Gary Busey expects from personal experience. That being said, sometimes Busey’s advice might seem a little…strange.
This will increasingly become a common occurrence on Gary Busey’s twitter: unbridled insanity that comes off as words being strung together nonsensically. We could delve into this, but really, we just think it’s awesome that Gary Busey is telling us we should run naked through a cornfield at midnight. Really, he could have made the exact same point with “running backwards” but no, he wants you naked. In a cornfield. At midnight. Gary Busey may or may not moonlight as Jason Voorhees. In fact, if we think about the Jason movie when he was on a space ship, this tweet from two weeks later might make sense.
There are fifty Gary Buseys in outer space. Fifty. No wonder NASA cut back on their funding—they knew what was out there and they wanted no part of it. Oh, and also Gary Busey is an alien.
These aliens are to be feared, because they either have super hearing, or Gary Busey was having a weird acid trip one day, as seen in these back-to-back-to-back tweets.
WATCH OUT YOU FOOLS HE HAS SUPER HEARING NOW!
Of course, as you continue on through this harrowing journey of insanity, you come across the standard “crazy celebrities try to say profound things on twitter and end up disproportionately talking about ‘the truth’” type of tweets, like “Spotlessly true in your own imagination is when you bring dreams to truth,” while also occasionally getting posts that actually make us feel kind of guilty about writing this post (“I finally realized that I am a traveling comedy”). But every once and a while, Busey is able to deliver the goods, and make you truly ask yourself, “Wait, what the fuck?”
Um…we’re not sure if this is misogynistic or not. Come to think of it, we’re not sure if it’s blasphemous or not either. Did we just witness a twitter stroke? Is it offensive to make a stroke joke (heh, rhymes) about a man who already has brain damage? We have no idea. We don’t know what to think about anything anymore, not since Gary Busey basically said “putting a woman in her place is just like giving a cat a baptism.” We no longer have any answers to life, we’re just left with questions. Is it because cats can’t go to heaven? Is the woman a cat? Is Gary Busey performing baptism now? How does Gary Busey know what baptizing a cat is like? Oh God, did Gary Busey drown a cat? Is that what he’s telling us to do? We need to find another twitter post to take our minds off this…
…There’s an almost calming quality to Gary Busey’s insanity. It’s sort of like if you live in a town where the only thing that you can hear outside as soon as the sun sets is constant, agonized screams. At first it’s unsettling, terrifying even, but eventually it just becomes white noise and you need the screams to sleep. Gary Busey needs the screams to sleep. Where were we?
Woah, easy there captain ego. This one seems kind of snarky. Like we’re getting a major “fuck you, you worthless underlings, you should be so lucky to have The Gary Busey wave his hand towards your general direction. If you wash your eyes again I will curse you with blindness, also your eyes are cantalopes” vibe from this. The only people who would feel important if Gary Busey waved at them are people who have depressingly low self-esteems, so basically that leaves most of our writers and the people who post comments on youtube in all caps. That’s the list of people you’ve made feel important by moving your hand side to side while your palm faces them.
Really, the only reaction that most people would have to being waved at by Gary Busey would be to feel dirty, and in some extreme cases, they could come down with a serious case of the Buseys. You don’t want the Buseys, penicillin does nothing to cure it. The only thing that cures the Buseys is MORE BUSEY!
FALSE! YOU ARE LYING GARY BUSEY! IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO MEET SANTA CLAUS FOR THE FIRST TIME ON TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS! THIS IS BLATANTLY FALSE! NEXT TWEET!
Is it, Gary? Is it really? Because we posit that if we ever saw Gary Busey in a hot dog suit, screaming through a bull horn and saying, “The first wiener is free” we would never stop running away. Never.
At this point, we’d like to point out that Gary Busey is 67 years old. If you heard something like this from say, a 70 year old grandparent…you’d be concerned, right? You’d probably start looking into proper homes? At what point do we draw the distinction between “Gary Busey, you so crazy” and “Oh I think something might be wrong with him…I mean, he has that brain issue, and he had an established history of drug use…”?
But ultimately, this trek into Gary Busey’s mind has proven one thing. That Garey Busey is an insane reptilian alien who has gone mad with power. Fear him. Fear the Busey.
Fear the Busey.