Gary Busey is an American actor who is equal parts teeth and motorcycle accident, an Academy Award nominated thespian who has been working in Hollywood for the last 40 years. He also looks like he pooped his pants, but is kind of proud about it, in every picture that’s been taken of him in the past 20 years. The man needs no introduction, as he has been the toothy madman of Hollywood for as long as we can remember, and we’d not have it any other way.
We bring that up because we had an office party here at AFFotD headquarters last night, the theme of which was apparently (we think) “drink so much that you don’t remember what the theme of the party was supposed to be.” So our staff is pretty out of sorts at the moment, and when we need a hangover pick-me-up, we like to google Gary Busey. It might seem random and confusing, but when you stumble onto sites like this, you sort of realize the joy of doing this.
Well, today we found something magical. We found the official twitter feed of Gary Busey. It’s exactly what you’d expect from a famous crazy person with brain damage, and nothing would make us happier than to pool together our hungover resources to dig through each inane 140-character-or-less ramble and pick out the best for you, the (we’re assuming) hungover American.
The Greatest Hits of Gary Busey’s Twitter Feed
“Hi, I’m Gary Busey, I’ll be your caterpillar today.”
“Let’s see… and greed makes all seven. Sweet.”
~ Charlie Sheen
Religion is a sticky subject in America. Everyone has a strong opinion of it, except for agnostics who are just lazy, and it can lead to uncomfortable arguments. And if there’s one thing we dislike at AFFotD, it’s sobriety. And if there’s two things we dislike, it’s sobriety and foreigners. But if you go down the list of things we hate far enough, you eventually find “pointless arguments” in there somewhere. So we’re not going to weigh in on this “big picture” item, and instead are just going to look into one particular aspect of one particular religion that has taken a bigger role in popular culture. The Seven Deadly Sins. You might have heard of it? These are things that Christians try to avoid, and probably all those other religions that speak in silly languages don’t like either. Ringing any bells? They were central to the plot of that movie starring Gwyneth Paltrow’s severed head? You know, Iron Man?
“What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?”
Anyway, for those of you unsure what the hell our sinful selves are talking about, there’s Lust, Greed, Gluttony, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride. We don’t know that because we’re religious, necessarily, we just know that because we sort of view them less as “things you shouldn’t do” and more as “American guidelines.” As we were watching that Jessica Alba/Angelina Jolie from-like-four-years-ago-when-they-were-even-hotter lesbian sex tape that we own the only physical copy of as training motivation for our daily office hot dog eating contest, we started to wonder if we as Americans could do the deadly sins justice. That’s when Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis got in a fight over who was more jealous of the rest of the staff who was away on nap time, and Michael Jordan just kept looking at himself in the mirror and playing a game of blackjack against himself, and we realized that…goddamn the deadly sins are American. America is the embodiment of the Seven Deadly Sins. And that’s awesome.
So, we’re going to run down how American each sin is, and after this article, the term “Seven Deadly Sins” will now be called “Seven Awesome American Traits.” Fucking deal, Satan.