“Let’s see… and greed makes all seven. Sweet.”
~ Charlie Sheen
Religion is a sticky subject in America. Everyone has a strong opinion of it, except for agnostics who are just lazy, and it can lead to uncomfortable arguments. And if there’s one thing we dislike at AFFotD, it’s sobriety. And if there’s two things we dislike, it’s sobriety and foreigners. But if you go down the list of things we hate far enough, you eventually find “pointless arguments” in there somewhere. So we’re not going to weigh in on this “big picture” item, and instead are just going to look into one particular aspect of one particular religion that has taken a bigger role in popular culture. The Seven Deadly Sins. You might have heard of it? These are things that Christians try to avoid, and probably all those other religions that speak in silly languages don’t like either. Ringing any bells? They were central to the plot of that movie starring Gwyneth Paltrow’s severed head? You know, Iron Man?
“What’s in the box? WHAT’S IN THE BOX?”
Anyway, for those of you unsure what the hell our sinful selves are talking about, there’s Lust, Greed, Gluttony, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride. We don’t know that because we’re religious, necessarily, we just know that because we sort of view them less as “things you shouldn’t do” and more as “American guidelines.” As we were watching that Jessica Alba/Angelina Jolie from-like-four-years-ago-when-they-were-even-hotter lesbian sex tape that we own the only physical copy of as training motivation for our daily office hot dog eating contest, we started to wonder if we as Americans could do the deadly sins justice. That’s when Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis got in a fight over who was more jealous of the rest of the staff who was away on nap time, and Michael Jordan just kept looking at himself in the mirror and playing a game of blackjack against himself, and we realized that…goddamn the deadly sins are American. America is the embodiment of the Seven Deadly Sins. And that’s awesome.
So, we’re going to run down how American each sin is, and after this article, the term “Seven Deadly Sins” will now be called “Seven Awesome American Traits.” Fucking deal, Satan.
There’s nothing wrong with lust. The fact that more Americans experience a burning sensation when they pee just proves that we’re better at lust than just about every other country. Seriously, if there were an event that mixed the Oscars with the Olympics, only it was about which nation is the best at boning (We’ll call it the Bone-lympics) America would win the award for “Best boning country.” We’d lose out in the fringe events like, “Weirdest” awards, because as long as Germany and Japan are active, you can’t compete with that shit (in Germany’s case, literally). France would get a lifetime achievement award, but that’s because their hookers took such good care of our good ol’ boys in Doubleyou Doubleyou Two. Being American means that when you hear, “Sex Machine,” a James Brown song just popped into your head for at least a couple of seconds. And for the Americans who aren’t currently boning, we still have lust outlets everywhere. America invented the internet so people didn’t have to get weird looks from the magazine stand guy when we get a copy of “Dicks in Tits Monthly.” Dammit, Hank, it’s a quality publication, and we feel (heh) it truly extends (boom) a lot of foresight (maybe?) into the issue from every angle (ha, yeah we did. Had to).
It’s just like how Thomas Jefferson used to say. “If thou ain’t lusty, thou ist rusty.” Thomas Jefferson may have been a man-whore but he knew how to please an 18th century lass, we’ll give him that. Also, if we as a nation weren’t meant to be lecherous, why would the word “Boner” immediately cause us to giggle? Heh. Boner.
Do you know how many Ferraris in total were sold in the first six months of 2011? 3577. How many of those were sold to Americans? Almost a thousand. That means, in just six months, a thousand different people thought to themselves, “Shit, you know what I should do? I should drop 200 grand on a car that I can’t drive during the winter anywhere that snows” and you know what? They absolutely got laid because of it. Why? Because, if Wall Street taught us anything other than the fact that greased-up, slicked-back hair was more of an 1980’s-specific fashion style, it would be that greed is good. Remember that throw away scene in Talladega Nights (ie, one of the more American comedies available- think about it, NASCAR, hatred of foreigners, it’s got everything) where Ricky Bobby’s dad goes like, “It’s the fastest that get paid, and it’s the fastest that gets laid,” and then all the kids in the classroom started cheering loudly and awkwardly? That’s because this is America.
All we’re saying is that money is pretty badass to have, making it rain is surprisingly addictive, and every time you show me a bar tab that runs over $100,000, John Wayne’s hand bursts out of his coffin to give America a thumbs up. Don’t fuck with us, we rich, bitches.
Jesus Christ, haven’t you been reading this website? Just about every day we’re going out of our way to tell you how to be the most gluttonous motherfucker you can dream to be. And yes, gluttony is not limited to food. It includes alcohol. So holy shit, when are we not gluttonous? No, seriously, we’re asking. Most of our staff members had to learn how to eat Italian subs in their sleep, and we actually invented a feeding tube that just keeps filling you up with bacon grease.
Just think about that for a second. We’re so gluttonous here that actually invented a devise to ensure you could get fatter without having to taste bacon grease. Some people say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting different results, we prefer to think that the definition of insanity is hooking yourself up to the bacon grease food pump a second time in the hope that it’ll actually taste like bacon the second time around.
What we’re trying to say is that poor Gary Busey, by both of those definitions, is legally insane.
No, Gary, for the love of god, that’s not a bacon strip!
We’re too lazy to look up what this word means.
You might be asking, “But hey, AFFotD, are you sure that America does Wrath well?” OF COURSE we’re fucking sure, you say something so stupid again and we’ll kick you in the dick so hard your grandchildren will be born nearsighted. Goddamn it.
When you watched Robocop, weren’t you glad to see that would-be rapist get shot right in the dick? Of course you were, because you’re filled with barely concealed rage. When you watched Red Dawn, didn’t you cheer something like “Gotchya, you Russian fuckers” every time they executed a Russian? Yes, because you’re secretly angry all the time! Every America is. It’s why we have more people suffering from Road Rage than any other nation, it’s why we love watching explosions, and it’s why your first wife left you. Wrath is why America makes the biggest cars, the deadliest guns, and the most comfortable futons. Our national anthem is about our nation sticking our middle finger up to bombs, goddamn it. Of course we love wrath in America, if we didn’t how would Stephen Segal have a film career?
If you’re living lusty, wrathful, gluttonous country that’s consumed with greed, and who are desperate to find a way to get what they want without actively working for it, how are you not going to be left with everyone just coveting the shit out of everything else. Everyone wants the bigger house, the hotter spouse, the more secure stockpile of nuclear weaponry, if you’re living in America you want it all, regardless of your talents, intelligence, or abundance of neck tattoos. If America weren’t envious, we’d be Portugal, and when the fuck was the last time you ever read anything about Portugal? The 17th century? History burn.
We want what we can’t have, so we do stupid things to get what we want. You may call it envy, but we’re pretty sure that F. Scott Fitzgerald called it the fucking American dream, and that it’s totally attainable (that is if we read The Great Gatsby, correctly). Seriously, that Gatsby guy? He never even read the books he bought! He just bought them to look smart and rich and make people jealous. Sounds pretty damn American to us. Also, for the record, consider that the first and only literature reference you’ll see on this site again, because books are dumb.
USA! USA! USA!
Come on guys, say it with us!
USA! USA! USA!
Of course we’re a prideful country, there’s nothing wrong with pride when you kick ass as hard as we do. America’s so badass that it’s responsible for Die Hard and every other movie that’s not Die Hard but that people like watching. America’s the best dancer you know, and is even cooler than The Fonz. You can’t beat America, so you might as well join it, and you can only join America if you’re awesome too.
Which you are, if you’re an American! We’re the best! Fuck yes! Deadly sins! Awesome!