Several months ago, AFFotD risks arterial integrity to inform you, the hopefully soon-to-be-morbidly-obese American, about the glory that is unhealthy, generally Deep-Fried Carnival food. And while this list did help cover the basics, such as telling you about hamburgers with Deep-Fried doughnuts instead of buns, as well as creating a few butter fetishists out there, we feel that our list was missing a few key Deep-Fried components.
Yes that is a Deep-Fried shoe.
As summer makes a point to cover Americans in a fine sheen of sweat, Americans make it their duty to ensure that this sweat will be at least 75% grease. AFFotD can feel your pain, as all too often do Americans accidentally mistake baby carrots for Cheetos and consume their yearly allotment of vegetables (read as: One vegetable is too much). And for every time you’ve been tricked into drinking fruit and vegetable juice by the evil V8 corporation, we at AFFotD make it our duty to make sure you can balance that shit out with food items so unhealthy that heart attacks don’t even eat them, saying, “Woah there, that’s a bit too rich for my tastes.”
To which a true American of course would respond, “OM NOM NOM, belch” to the following foods.
Explaining the existence of Deep-Fried liquids to a non-American is about as futile as trying to explain the existence of imaginary numbers to actual Americans. The concept is so foreign, the most likely side effect would be the person’s head exploding like that scene from Scanners that got really popular when people decided to write funny things on the internet.
Seriously, there is a 35% chance that any picture on cracked.com will either be this, or their stock cleavage photo.
Fried Kool-Aid was only invented this year by “Chicken” Charlie Boghosian. Incidentally, if you seriously start to ponder the question, “What is crazier, inventing fried Kool-Aid, or deciding that your nickname should be ‘Chicken’” you will likely create a rip in the space/time continuum. On one hand, you might invent time travel, but on the other, you definitely will at least destroy a few states in the ensuing anomalous event. These little circles of unresolved physiological issues towards your stomach lining are created by using Kool-Aid to make circular muffins, which you then deep fry.
We know what you’re thinking. “That sounds delicious, AFFotD, you trailblazing motherfuckers” (why thank you) “But, tell it to us straight, you probably will eat these and see the Kool-Aid Man smash through the nearest wall to go ‘OH YEAH’ or something, right?”
Surprisingly, that is not the case with this treat. Oh, don’t get us wrong, he absolutely will show up smashing through the nearest brick wall, it’s just that all you will hear are his haunting screams as he demands to know what evils you have released upon the world.
“YOU HAVE CHOSEN TO PLAY GOD AND THUS HAVE DOOMED US ALL, OHHHH GODDD WHYYYYYYYY”
Deep-Fried Jam Sandwiches
Like most Americans, you loved Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches growing up, but you never really trusted the “peanut butter” part of the whole thing, ever since you read some peanut propaganda telling you how healthy peanuts are. “Pfft, healthy food in my sandwich? I might as well eat whole wheat bread before chemically castrating myself,” you thought. While we tend to appreciate the fact that peanut butter is pretty shitty for you in a lot of ways, we honestly don’t want to risk it. Every time an American eats healthy food, the government goes in and blows up a moonshine sill. Do you want to live with that hanging over your head for the rest of your days? We thought not.
Cue Nancy Kerrigan: WHYYY? WHYYY? WHYYY?
But you know what isn’t healthy? That’s right, Jam. That’s just sugar and a handful of chemicals that were created to make children lose focus in school. So, thank God some entrepreneurial Americans decided to take a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, remove the peanut butter, dip that fucker in butter, and fry the living hell out of it. Deep-Fried Jam sandwiches are the most delicious and effective way to tell your kids you don’t really care about their well being since Smuckers came out with Uncrustables.
Pictured Above: Soft Bread, Proof You Were a Mistake
Deep-Fried Twinkies are almost old hat at this point in the game. Telling someone, “Oh, I’ve had a Deep-Fried Twinkie” would get about as much of a surprised response as you’d see from someone who says they’ve eaten pecan pie a la mode. “Oh wow, a la mode? That sounds like it’d taste pretty good.” But just because Deep-Fried Twinkies have worked their way into the collective American unhealthy-food mindset doesn’t diminish how truly American they are.
To put it in perspective, have you ever seen the recipe for making Deep-Fried Twinkie? Surprisingly, it is a lot more complex than, “Dip Twinkie in vat of boiling oil, inject saturated fat straight into your veins to cut out the middle man.” Seriously, someone had to sit down and transcribe all eight steps you need to take to fry a damn Twinkie. That’s dedication to America, right there.
Deep-Fried Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
This one sort of hurts our brains to think about. So, you wrap the dough with dough so you can fry the dough with the dough on the inside? Our brains haven’t hurt this much since we tried watching Inception with a hangover.
“Dammit, where’s the scene where they make us a damned Bloody Mary?”
We’re not going to lie, this sounds absolutely delicious. It has to be the beginning of some sort of evolutionary race against your blood pressure that’s going to end with us successfully deep frying a block of salt. We don’t really read “ingredient listings” because, come on, seriously? But if we had to guess, Spam, in its non-fried form, is made primarily out of Sodium and memories of hiding in the woods after your dad had too much angry juice. Deep-Fried Spam is probably the only food capable of causing heart attacks so intense they produce aftershocks like a goddamn Earthquake. The only reason you don’t die every time you eat Deep-Fried Spam is that God and Satan are waged in a very lengthy battle over who gets your soul when it’s done with you (“No far Satan, gluttony’s a bullshit sin, I want this guy on my side.”)
If Deep-Fried Spam were a figure from any horror film, it’d be that creepy dead girl in The Ring, because once you eat it you pretty much have a set timetable before you drop dead (and your face looks like it got attacked by a suckerfish).
Okay fine, it doesn’t really look like that.
This is what we’re talking about, America. For the industrious American who doesn’t like getting their hands covered in melted butter, but who also happens to really look up to that fat guy in Seven. If you ever met someone whose favorite food was “Deep-Fried Butter” you wouldn’t be able to hear them tell you that because their jowls would be constantly arguing with themselves. If Deep-Fried foods ever gained sentience and destroyed humanity in some sort of Terminator like twist, Deep-Fried Butter would be their Skynet. Deep-Fried Butter is so gloriously unhealthy that we’re pretty sure if you pick it up with your hand you’ll develop a crippling infarction in your arm. That’s how Dr. House got his limp- he accidentally kicked a stick of Deep-Fried Butter.
And really, isn’t that just recklessly glorious? We like to think so. Chomp away, America. Here’s a picture of some fat people at a State Fair.