“…Holy shit, this thing is popular now? Oh no…you’re…not again…”
When we had our notorious undercover journalist, [REDACTED], do a play-by-play commentary of the U.S. Women’s World Cup match against North Korea, we were doing it to fuck with him. Call us sadistic bastards (God knows [REDACTED] does) but we wanted to see him squirm. North Korea’s women looked like men. Our women, though American and thus blessed with both outer and inner beauty, were forced to play a sport that we’re pretty sure was invented by amputees. An average AFFotD staffer’s response to watching a soccer match is to shout, “JUST PICK IT UP WITH YOUR DAMN HANDS IT’D BE SUCH A COMPETITIVE ADVANTAGE!” We know so little about soccer that the first time someone in the office used the word “Pelé” we honestly thought they were saying in very rudimentary terms that they wanted to pay for sex.
…Get it? Pay lay? See that’s the problem, we know so little about soccer that Dane Cook could conceivably write a better informed soccer joke. Maybe. Well, not Dane Cook, but you get the idea.
“Ha, so, like, I was having SEXUAL INTERCOURSE with a FAIR MAIDEN and something something RED CARD!” Seriously though, remember 2007 when Dane Cook was a movie actor? Yeah we blocked that from our memories too.+
Of course, our mockery of the Women’s World Cup totally changed this past Sunday when America decided to wow the shit out of everyone with an engaging, dramatic, and stressful shoot out victory against Brazil. We learned a few things. First of all, America is going to give a shit about soccer for the next week or so. Secondly, the Women’s team is gloriously American, right down to the player who sang “Born in the USA” into a stadium microphone after scoring a goal. And additionally, and this is important everyone, Hope Solo is incredibly attractive. Hot athletes are a game changer. And Hope Solo is a glorious beacon of America.
And with that, America breathes a contented sigh.
America’s ADD-riddled minds have been captivated by this spunky collection of beautiful yet powerful athletes, and goofy but endearing role players. Women that will settle for nothing less than victory for America. So, we locked [REDACTED] back in the TV closet to give us a running commentary on yesterday’s World Cup Semifinal match between Hope Solo and Friends Team USA and… THE FRENCH. Goddamn French!
OH COME ON YOU GUYS! Listen, I like the story of the Women’s World Cup team as much as anyone, but you’re making me watch soccer again? And with French people!? Goddamn it!
Alright cockrammers, the game is supposed to start at 12PM EST. And I don’t want to list the times as far as when they happen “in the game” so I’m just going to real time it. It’s 12:06 EST as I’m writing this and…
12:06: Shit, really? It’s already 6 minutes into the game? Well at least I didn’t miss anything. There was one shot by Abby Wambach, who is one of three women I know on the team (there are the two “they have short hair and they scored that game winning goal” and then there’s “the incredibly hot goalie”) but she missed it…this is going to be another one of those slow affairs right?
12:09: GOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! Oh wow, I’m actually moderately excited for this game now. Moderately. The goal actually seemed to come out of thin air, they were taking it towards the net, and the pass just…got kicked in. I didn’t assume we were going to score until…we did. Shit, I just like to see France on the losing side of things. I know, I know, “France always loses, doesn’t it lose its excitement after a while?”
No. No it does not.
I will give the French team credit though. They do like to get naked. That doesn’t help them play sports against America, but it does give me an excuse to post this picture.
12:15: That naked one in the middle just got a foul. That is all there is to report at the moment. Not like anyone scored or anything. God, we scored only 6 minutes ago and I’m already bored with this sport again. They better not make me do a write up for the goddamn final game.
12:30: Oh, wow, look at that, France got a shot off and almost scored. That actually was a little nerve wracking. Also, I just got back from a quick booze run. Last time I was here, I used plastic spoons to dig a tunnel out of here like I was Tim fucking Robbins in Shawshank. And as I’m typing this, another close shot from France. France is actually worrying me here, and suddenly I’m moderately interested only because America is letting goddamn French people make us look shaky. That’s bullshit.
12:39: A foul on the French player, Sonia Bompastor. That’s not particularly relevant as she does not appear in that naked picture up there. My interest is fading fast.
12:44: We’re starting to go in on the half. Apparently America is lucky to be winning 1-0 this time, since France has been shooting at us so much they started calling us Sonny Corleone.
12:50: We’z getting drunk, bitches.
All mine! ALL MINE!
12:54: You know you liked soccer? My ex-wife. Fucking loved soccer. I would say, “Soccer? I hardly even know her!” and then she would frown and say shit like “Domestic abuse isn’t funny, why do you reek of booze?” and I’d be all “My body my choice!” In unrelated news, I just beat my record for fastest time chugging a handle of Jim Beam. I found this graphic that shows how many shots each team has taken, and France has shot so many more times than America that it looks like we’re about to lose a game of Risk. I’m honestly not sure if I care. I might care if America loses. Or if I get really wasted. More wasted. God, does anyone else feel like eating some White Castle?
1:03: Shit’s starting again. Also the game. The commentator is saying that the French team is playing very dangerously, and it does sort of feel like America should be losing. We’ve literally had only one shot on goal the whole game. Granted, it scored, and America is definitely beating France in the “We aren’t France” division. I really just want America to score again so I can go back to being bored about the outcome of the game. Once we know America’s gonna win I can start plotting my revenge against Johnny Roosevelt (or at the very least, I’ll set it up so I get to, I don’t know, drink deep fried foods and drink bourbon for my next assignment).
1:11: America actually got a shot off. Seriously, we may be winning, but I can’t see how we’re possibly not losing. Funny, I got the same feeling when I was watching The Green Lantern.
1:13: Oh…fuck. France scored. 1-1. Well that sucks.
1:23: This is not looking good. Maybe they’re just keeping it close so that I can’t get shitfaced to do my review. But jokes on them, I’ve been drinking since breakfast, my current BAC is “alcohol poisoning.” This is America we don’t fuck around. Speaking of that…Hey, America. Stop fucking around. If you ladies lose to a bunch of Frogs I’m going to be literally drunk with rage.
1:27: Continuing the trend the rest of the asshole world keeps going with, America has a chance taken away because a player was called “offsides.” I don’t know what that means but the announcers say it’s a bullshit call so I’m yelling obscenities at the TV now. That was totally on pitch, I can’t believe they said it was…off pitch. I still don’t know what the term “pitch” means. [Editor’s note: It’s the field. We know, we wish we didn’t know that either.]
1:34: Hope Solo gets knocked around by some French bastard…ess? What’s a female version of a bastard? A Chinese orphan (Ha! One child policy joke)? Either way, I want blood. And tacos. Mainly tacos. Man I’m drunk. But I’ll say again, Hope Solo is a fucking American treasure, so those French lady-bastards have gone and poked the bear by fouling her.
“Help me Obi-wan Kenobi you’re my only HOPE” Haaaaaaaaaaoly shit I’m drunk.
1:36: The whiskey and the rum are tied, but the vodka has taken a surprising lead right now. My liver may or may not be outside my body heaving up and down like a beached dolphin. Get back in here liver, you’re not getting out of this duty that easily. Wait, what’s that noise on the TV? Holy shit! GOAL! USA! USA! Wambach headed it off the pitch on a pitch kick into the pitch! From the corner pitch! Used her head and everything, and just, pooosh, pitch, sad French people. Haaaha. That was goddamn cathartic. Goddamn Frenchies.
1:39: Another goal! This one looked like a goal, with a one-on-one with the goalie leading to an easy goal chipped in. Game is fucking over, or at least I don’t have to pay attention anymore. The goal was scored by… Morgan. I guess her name is Morgan, maybe she’s related to Dexter… holy shit, I just realized, Hope Solo absolutely looks like Dexter’s sister.
3:31: Oh man, I passed out. The score held up I guess, USA beats France 3-1. I’m gonna go out on a hungover limb to say that the turning point was Hope Solo getting suckersmacked by that French biddy. Because you don’t mess with Hope Solo. She’s incredibly pretty but also looks like she’d bite your face off if you told her that she’s incredibly pretty in an overly direct and misogynistic way.
…I, uh, admire your looks in an appropriately respectful manner.
Well USA is going to the finals. Which I’d better not be covering. But otherwise…USA! USA! USA…oh I’m gonna puke I think…