“You’d think it never gets old…and it really doesn’t.”
~US Patent Office Worker
As we’ve previously discussed, American patents are ridiculous expressions of the American spirit. The patent process is so American that, if you go to the Government’s search engine for patents that came out in the past 40 years and type in “alcohol” you get 414,477 results. “But AFFotD,” you may be saying as you shudder off a shot of rough whiskey, “alcohol is a common element in medical and chemical research, so that doesn’t really tell us that much. Okay, fine naysayer, so try searching for “Alcohol and guns.” 1,859 hits! Hell, even going the redundant route0by searching for “Alcohol and guns and beer” yields you 51 patents.
Yes, Americans love coming up with insane things that have no purpose, but most of them don’t have anything to do with alcohol or guns. That being said, a surprising amount of American patents were invented by people that have a mannequin named Mother that they use to store their family of pet Pill Bugs. These inventors magically appear behind you if you say their patent numbers out loud three times into a mirror. That’s right, we’re here to delve into the very depths of insanity with…
More Insane American Patents
“I call this invention the ‘Ax-proof door!’”
America is responsible for a lot of truly impressive, world-changing creations. Our scientists and critical thinkers are constantly trying to find a way to cure diseases and bring people together in new, incredible ways. That being said, those people account for roughly .0001% of the population. Most of the rest of us use our powers of creative, inventive thinking to make foods that shouldn’t exist, or by making things that aren’t bacon taste like bacon.
However, some Americans want to express their creativity while also telling you how to make a dress out of grocery bags, a stapler, and a dead possum. These are the Americans behind products like…
Despite your initial assumption , this is not an image of a happy child with a bomb strapped to his chest. And no, it’s not a Boy Scout on an ill-fated kayak trip. This is for the literally ones of people who have thought to themselves, “I do love Gerbils, but if there was only some way I could carry around with me without the social stigma of carrying a live Gerbil in my hand that’s fresh with the blood of my innocent victims!”
Well if that’s the case, hold onto your severed-heads-of-dolls collection, person-most-likely-to-strangle-one-of-our-staff-members-in-their-sleep, because this invention is for you. That’s right, it’s a shirt! For Gerbils! For people! The Gerbils are able to run through the tubes of your shirt to exercise, while you are able to go out in public and save the police the hassle of asking where the bodies are hidden. They should have known all along that your backyard was the first place to look!
Sometimes you want to make a purchase that will label you as a psychopath, but most convenience stores are required to add your name to a database when you buy condoms at the same time as Codeine and Cheez-Whiz. But now you can leave cashiers weeping, screaming, “WHAT DOES HE WANT THIS FOR” by purchasing your very own thong diaper!
It takes a demented mind to come up with this product. Some Freudian anal expulsive personality saw a woman wearing a thong (don’t get excited, it wasn’t real life, they accidentally walked past a TV once during a music video), and then the next day during his weekly practice of “going to hospital nurseries to stare at babies” the same person 0aw some diapers, and had a Peanut Butter Cup moment. And so we got a diaper in our thong. If you ever see someone with this product, never ask him why he purchased it. Because you’ll start to ask him, with disgust in your voice, “…Is a Thong Diaper for babies to wear? Or is it for geriatrics?” but after the third word a chloroform-soaked Thong Diaper has been pressed firmly over your mouth. Shhh. Shhhhh. Don’t fight it. It’s almost over. Don’t fight it.
Lap Dance Liner
This product goes, uh, inside your underwear. It’s a condom inside your underwear, basically. According to the patent, “The pouch captures fluids released prior to, and during the lap dance act.” We didn’t add that bolded italics, Wesley K. Johnson of Van Nuys, California just really likes his lap dances.
It’s pretty rare when just a single sentence can tell you the exact conversation that led to its invention. Wesley K. Johnson (of Van Nuys, CA- enjoy googling yourself buddy!) was grabbing a drink with his friends during the brief time before he goes to the strip club but after he spends several hours crying and cutting out pictures of the bra models from the K-Mart catalogue he got in the mail. So Wesley K. Johnson looked around at his buddies and said, “You know when you’re getting a lap dance, and sometimes, you know…your pants get a little soiled by the end of it?” Most of the people there sorta got quiet, but a few awkwardly agreed with him. Then Wesley K. Johnson kept going, saying, “And sometimes, like, you get a really hot stripper, and you’re so excited that, uh, it happens a little before? And then the whole lap dance is sorta awkward?”
Now at this point, everyone would have been quiet, and one coughed awkwardly, and one by one they just got up and left? And Wesley K. Johnson started shouting, “Dammit you know it’s happened to you! I’m gonna invent a product for it! Just you wait and see!” And so he did.
Ladies, you probably run into this problem all the time. You’re home alone at your apartment, putting on a pair of nylons. You’re of course getting ready for a very important formal event, it’s a little chilly outside, and maybe didn’t have enough time to shave your legs today. As you’re looking in the mirror to see if the pantyhose has any runs in it, you see something in the corner of your eye. Oh no! Your amputee roommate left one of her fake legs out in the middle of your room. You hate it when she does that! As you go to pick up the false leg and hold it to your side, you hear deranged, lustful panting coming from outside your window. Congratulations, you just met the inventor of the Three-Legged Pantyhose! Call the police, he has to be stopped!
“Mommy said that sucking my thumb makes her cry. Mommy said that making her cry makes ME cry. Mommy said that my Industrial Engineering degree was a waste of time for such a useless thumb-sucker like me. Mommy isn’t here to tell me what to do anymore.”
Anti-Eating Face Mask
The patent for the Anti-Eating Face Mask was submitted back in 1980 by Lucy L. Barmby from Sacramento, California. It’s fairly self-explanatory- it’s a mask that covers your mouth, allowing you to breath calorie-free air, but stopping you from fattening yourself up with terrifying things like “food that is needed to sustain life.” We were able to track down Ms. Barmby, who graciously let us talk to her in her house. She had a bookshelf filled with hundreds of copies of the Silence of the Lambs DVD, and she weighed 73 pounds. We hated her and threw In-N-Out Burgers at her until she called the police to make us leave.
The loss of a loved one is the hardest thing anyone can go through. And one of the most difficult logistical decisions one has to make in a time of abject grief and sadness is the proper way to dispose of the remains. Some people want to have a traditional burial, while some even specify in their will that they want to take an environmentally friendly approach by being buried naturally, or at sea. But many people end up being cremated, where their remains can be scattered over their favorite spot, or can remain with loved ones so that part of them can be with their family forever.
But what about the introverted hermit who lives all alone with nothing but his thousands of dolls and the screams echoing from the dungeon in his basement to keep him company? Even when the police finally search your place, they’ll just shrug their shoulders in confusion and wonder why thirteen of your dolls have human hair and numbers on them. But that’s a secret between you, the doll urn, and the wind that never stops whispering in the nothingness.
Snake Collar and Leash
Hey, we know how it goes. You want to leave the house, but you know that as soon as you do, your snake is going to get out of its cage, break into your closet, and eat your collection of Teddy Bear eyes that you’ve stolen from various preschools. If only there was a way to walk to the grocery store and spread salmonella. Well, worry no more, because once you deal with the dizzying bites you’ll surely receive trying to wrap a collar snugly around a snakes, erm, “neck” you’ll be able to take old Malfoy out on the town! Just remember, when you’re going for your walk, Megan’s Law is still technically enforceable! And finally, speaking of animals…
“NO! Bad bird! No pooping in the house! I said no! NO POOPING IN THE HOUSE, BIRD!”
So remember America, whenever you have an idea for an invention, but you stop yourself because you think, “No, wait, no one would invent a diaper for a bird to poop in” well…you know.
You stay crazy, America.